[psychc]

I went in front of a car a few weeks ago. The worst part is, it didn't feel like I was in control. I thought that the car should move out of the way instead of me (on foot). There were snow banks and no sidewalks and he almost hit me!
After it happened I was scared of myself.

Before that I almost cut myself, but felt like I was in some kind of trance and managed to 'snap out of it,' before causing serious damage. I had never cut myself b4 and it felt as if it wasn't really 'me' there.

what is that??? psychosis?? anyone had that kind of experience?
Scared to hurt myself/worse...

[wildflowerchild25]

I had that in august during a severe manic/mixed episode. I hurt myself pretty bad and didn't feel like I was in control of myself. I was listening to thoughts that I felt were not my own. I had to be hospitalized but I only went when my husband said he would call the cops if I didn't te my mom to take me right then. He bluffs a lot but I could tell he was serious that time. I decided I didn't want to cause a scene.

Point if that was sometimes hospital is necessary to keep you safe. If you don't feel like you're in control of yourself it might be necessary no matter how much you don't want it. Do you have a mental healt team, like a pdoc or therapist? If you do I would call someone and get an appointment. If you don't I would consider hospital. Nothing is worth your life.

[psychc]

I am terrified of hospital and have managed to escape it, although I was almost formed once, but was put on a 24 hour family watch instead when I didnot want to stay (very humiliating). What I worry about is my lack of control. It is as if I am not in my head...
I am not feeling suicidal, yet do these stupid, impulsive things...

[Curiosity77]

Hospital might be a good idea if you are feeling that impulsive and out of control. They can provide some safety and containment. If not hospital, do you have supportive friends or family that can stay with you and keep you safe? Probably a good idea to see your pdoc or other mental health professional too. It could be psychosis, or it could be dissociation, or something else - it's hard to tell what's happening from your description, so I don't really know what you are experiencing. What ever is happening sounds serious if you can't keep yourself safe. Let us know how you are and what you decide to do.

[hamster-bamster]

can you tell us exactly what was humiliating about the hospital? I agree with the above posters that it is hard to say (dissociation and psychosis can mimic each other at times) what it is, but whatever it is, it is not safe. It does not matter that much what the label is - you are not acting in your best interest, for whatever reason, and it is not your fault and you need help. Please list what was humiliating - maybe choosing a different hospital, or calling the office of patients' advocacy ahead of time, would help make an inpatient stay more tolerable for you. One of the key advantages of short acute hospitalization, besides safety and containment, is the ability to present yourself in your most acute state to psychiatrists who know how to diagnose and treat acute cases. If you wait it out and go to your regular pdoc and tell him or her what you have told us, the pdoc might be as clueless as we are here (dissociation? psychosis? something else?) because we do not see you - your face, your affect, your gait, etc. - and do not hear you (pressured speech or smooth speech?) RIGHT NOW. The inpatient doctors will be able to see you at your worst, and it is a very valuable experience.

[psychc]

I am trying to avoid meds. I hate how I feel on them. I feel that I would be forced on them... I have no pdoc yet - waiting to see 1 in 1.5 months.

[Capriciousness]

I had that when unmedicated and in a severe depression. I never actually did anything but the pull was so strong I was scared if myself. I stopped taking showers because I was afraid I would try to drown myself. I put buried all the knives in my husbands office. I couldn't drive or take a walk anymore. It was very scary and is what made me start meds.

I don't know what it was but at least part of it might be strong intrusive thought and ideas. It was described to me like this. That there is hearing voices but there is also intrusive thoughts. Which is like hearing voices in that it is a crazy thought that doesn't feel like it is coming or would have ever come from you but it isn't like an actual person talking. For me I feel like I was battling these super strong suggestions/commands and I was in so much pain I was tempted to obey. Ok chills.

I did almost go to the hospital. My pdoc was on vacation! But I made it through a few days before I saw her and got some meds but even then I still thought I might need to go while they kicked in. She thought I must be fine cause I was sleeping well and didn't want to kill myself. People seem to find it hard to understand that you can not want to kill yourself but be very afraid that you're going to.

Anyway. Please please please please take care of yourself.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by psychc

I am trying to avoid meds. I hate how I feel on them. I feel that I would be forced on them... I have no pdoc yet - waiting to see 1 in 1.5 months.

Call the hospital and ask them if you can check in to get diagnosed and not be given meds without consent. What you are doing - "feeling" that you would be forced on meds - is not productive because this is not the kind of thing one "feels" - it is the kind of thing one finds out about. So far you are making assumptions that might or might not hold true, right?

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

I had that when unmedicated and in a severe depression. I never actually did anything but the pull was so strong I was scared if myself. I stopped taking showers because I was afraid I would try to drown myself. I put buried all the knives in my husbands office. I couldn't drive or take a walk anymore. It was very scary and is what made me start meds.

I don't know what it was but at least part of it might be strong intrusive thought and ideas. It was described to me like this. That there is hearing voices but there is also intrusive thoughts. Which is like hearing voices in that it is a crazy thought that doesn't feel like it is coming or would have ever come from you but it isn't like an actual person talking. For me I feel like I was battling these super strong suggestions/commands and I was in so much pain I was tempted to obey. Ok chills.

I did almost go to the hospital. My pdoc was on vacation! But I made it through a few days before I saw her and got some meds but even then I still thought I might need to go while they kicked in. She thought I must be fine cause I was sleeping well and didn't want to kill myself. People seem to find it hard to understand that you can not want to kill yourself but be very afraid that you're going to.

Anyway. Please please please please take care of yourself.

EXACTLY. And I was in a DBT program at the time and all my therapist would say was "think of your life worth living goal". I kept trying to explain to her that I didn't WANT to die but I felt like I had to and she didn't get it and didn't take me seriously.

[x_BabyG_x]

yep I get that all the time when emotions are too much to handle. I call them my 'black outs'... think its some kind of dissociation maybe, nothing else can explain it as well x

[psychc]

What scared me the most is that it felt like it was not me making the decisions. It was like someone else took over. Plus the thought of 'he should move not me,' made no sense. I had more to lose... I am scared of hospital. Plus a part of me feels that I should be able to control myself. One can say oh it's the bipolar, but what does that mean??? still feel spooked by the experience.