[Cocosurviving]

Hi everyone. I've been in a relationship for a little less than a yr. My bf has schizoaffective disorder. I'm trying so hard to hold on to what we have going and to keep building. We're engaged but I'm having big doubts. He says things that do not make sense and other things that are all over the map. He mentioned me maybe moving back to my home state bc the car insurance is cheaper. WTF?? Some of the things he says contradict each other. I just don't know if I can handle it long term. He's not on meds but says he is abt to start. I would like feedback from anyone with BP that is dating or married to someone with a mental illness (preferably BP/schizophrenia).

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[r010159]

Is he being medicated by a doctor? Is he taking his medications reliably? If not, this will answer you next question as to what to do next.

FWIW

[Victoria'smom]

Okay, unreasonable comments are met with, "yeah, no babe". Life changing ideas are met with our 6 month rule which is "if waiting 6 months the majority of time you still want to do it then go ahead" This include having a child, moving across county, or divorce. Deferring to the sainer one which is usually desided by the resent conversations we've had with our therapists. Letting individual therapist share information because your therapist knowing what mood your significant other is in and has a heads up with what mood your in is such an advantage to all parties involved.

[Nightside of Eden]

I'm engaged to someone with Bipolar I (I have Bipolar II). It's not always easy, but he takes his meds and is pretty stable now. I don't blame you for having big doubts if your fiance is continuing with disorganized behaviors and not taking meds. What does "about to start" meds mean? Does he have an appointment with a doctor? Is he complying with other treatment?

Relationships where both people have a mental illness are hard and IMO pretty much require that both people be taking care of themselves as well as possible and complying with treatment.

[Patsy Cline]

Marriage is a big commitment. If he's on his meds and you still have doubts...then follow your gut.

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by r010159

Is he being medicated by a doctor? Is he taking his medications reliably? If not, this will answer you next question as to what to do next.

FWIW

He has an up coming appt with a pdoc.

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[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by Nightside of Eden

I'm engaged to someone with Bipolar I (I have Bipolar II). It's not always easy, but he takes his meds and is pretty stable now. I don't blame you for having big doubts if your fiance is continuing with disorganized behaviors and not taking meds. What does "about to start" meds mean? Does he have an appointment with a doctor? Is he complying with other treatment?

Relationships where both people have a mental illness are hard and IMO pretty much require that both people be taking care of themselves as well as possible and complying with treatment.

Yes he has an appt with a pdoc in his area. However I'm not sure if he's just blowing smoke. He has a history of starting meds than quitting them cold turkey. I really love him but it's starting to feel like a roller coaster ride. I can not have my triggers flaring up. I just need him a bit more stable.

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[Victoria'smom]

I spent/ spend tons of time talking to my therapist about medication. She's probably the only reason I do so "well" taking meds.

[BipolaRNurse]

I couldn't be married to someone like me. We'd probably kill each other! I can't even imagine coping with someone else's mood swings when I'm trying to deal with my own.

Luckily, I married someone who is firmly grounded in sanity, and when I'm ill he serves as my caregiver---my port in the storm, as it were. He watches out for me, makes sure I've taken my meds, and tells me when it's time to call my pdoc in such a way that I don't usually get defensive. Our relationship has worked for 34 years.

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I couldn't be married to someone like me. We'd probably kill each other! I can't even imagine coping with someone else's mood swings when I'm trying to deal with my own.

Luckily, I married someone who is firmly grounded in sanity, and when I'm ill he serves as my caregiver---my port in the storm, as it were. He watches out for me, makes sure I've taken my meds, and tells me when it's time to call my pdoc in such a way that I don't usually get defensive. Our relationship has worked for 34 years.

As much as I love, love him I found myself wondering if I can handle him plus me. Right now we are not in the same city. We are over three hrs away but in the same state. We communicate all the time. There are times I really need support and I'm not sure that he could handle the tasks

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[Victoria'smom]

Could you get the extra support outside the relationship, like someone that deals with mental health?

(Sorry so long! And just think, it barely touches upon the complexities! )

I have BP, BF has BPD. We've lived together for 4+ years. We won't get married, but that is not why (though it would be a perfectly valid reason). I won't lie. It can be beyond hard. Sometimes I think of us as a beautiful disaster(!) The good is SOOOO good, but the bad is…very nearly unbearable.

I've often wondered if there is something else besides his BPD (and ADD and anxiety, both of which we both have as well). He has spells of… I think of it as him not being himself. And they can be scary because reasoning goes nowhere, logic is out the window and he can get very agitated and impulsive. (I've had 2 different psych people ask if he hears voices, but I believe him when he says he does not. He knows I would be accepting of it, so honesty is most likely.) Outside of mental issues -- interest and humor-wise, we have SO much in common of such a varied and unlikely mix, it'd be less than a one in a million likelihood of such commonality with another human being. We are very different but very very alike.

My life since him has been very chaotic, no doubt about it. But I adore him to his very core and have committed my soul to this relationship (we're both middle-aged, and realistic about difficulties and our histories). We met when I was hypomanic (questioned and questioned this at the time and decided I wasn't -- but looking back, it's pretty obvious -- no insight whatsoever on that one at the time). By contrast, my ex is as steady and balanced as they come, so I've got the ultimate point of reference of how much of the chaos I bring to the mix. (And I freely admit I definitely do!)

Soooo, I can't say I'd recommend it, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade mine in for the world. (Probably the least useful advice/input ever given. Sorry!)

Ok, one useful theory. I strongly believe that the fact that I have straight-up BP and not BPD at all is of major significance. Given everything else, if we both had that I do not believe it would work at all. Also, I think that Miguel'sMom makes some excellent points. Like the 6 month rule and deferring to the saner one in times of crisis. This needs to be firmly established in a tranquil time, because in the heat of the moment --- sooo not going to happen. (It's hard enough even WITH it previously established and agreed upon, because in crisis, we tend to be stubborn, illogical, uncooperative and denying that we are not acting in our best interests already…. and possibly paranoid. That takes a HUGE amount of trust, not only in the other person, but in being able to acknowledge how out of control we actually are and that someone else actually does know what is better for us than our very own selves.

Cocosurviving, the thing you say that strikes me most about your particular situation is this: " I can not have my triggers flaring up. I just need him a bit more stable." This deserves a lot of reflection, as the old adage is true: we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves. (And we all know how hard that can be(!))

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Could you get the extra support outside the relationship, like someone that deals with mental health?

That's a great idea. I could reach out to NAMI. There a mental health support group. Thx for the idea.

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[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

(Sorry so long! And just think, it barely touches upon the complexities! )


I have BP, BF has BPD. We've lived together for 4+ years. We won't get married, but that is not why (though it would be a perfectly valid reason). I won't lie. It can be beyond hard. Sometimes I think of us as a beautiful disaster(!) The good is SOOOO good, but the bad is…very nearly unbearable.


I've often wondered if there is something else besides his BPD (and ADD and anxiety, both of which we both have as well). He has spells of… I think of it as him not being himself. And they can be scary because reasoning goes nowhere, logic is out the window and he can get very agitated and impulsive. (I've had 2 different psych people ask if he hears voices, but I believe him when he says he does not. He knows I would be accepting of it, so honesty is most likely.) Outside of mental issues -- interest and humor-wise, we have SO much in common of such a varied and unlikely mix, it'd be less than a one in a million likelihood of such commonality with another human being. We are very different but very very alike.


My life since him has been very chaotic, no doubt about it. But I adore him to his very core and have committed my soul to this relationship (we're both middle-aged, and realistic about difficulties and our histories). We met when I was hypomanic (questioned and questioned this at the time and decided I wasn't -- but looking back, it's pretty obvious -- no insight whatsoever on that one at the time). By contrast, my ex is as steady and balanced as they come, so I've got the ultimate point of reference of how much of the chaos I bring to the mix. (And I freely admit I definitely do!)


Soooo, I can't say I'd recommend it, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade mine in for the world. (Probably the least useful advice/input ever given. Sorry!)


Ok, one useful theory. I strongly believe that the fact that I have straight-up BP and not BPD at all is of major significance. Given everything else, if we both had that I do not believe it would work at all. Also, I think that Miguel'sMom makes some excellent points. Like the 6 month rule and deferring to the saner one in times of crisis. This needs to be firmly established in a tranquil time, because in the heat of the moment --- sooo not going to happen. (It's hard enough even WITH it previously established and agreed upon, because in crisis, we tend to be stubborn, illogical, uncooperative and denying that we are not acting in our best interests already…. and possibly paranoid. That takes a HUGE amount of trust, not only in the other person, but in being able to acknowledge how out of control we actually are and that someone else actually does know what is better for us than our very own selves.


Cocosurviving, the thing you say that strikes me most about your particular situation is this: " I can not have my triggers flaring up. I just need him a bit more stable." This deserves a lot of reflection, as the old adage is true: we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves. (And we all know how hard that can be(!))

Thank you I really appreciate u sharing your story. I believe he hears voices, he will not tell me. I honestly think he does JMO I could be wrong. Right now were in two different cities and I'm willing to put in the work before we're under the same roof. Rest assured we will not be getting married right away. He has two homes to sell first then we're moving and getting married. This will be well over six months. I really hope he is open to accept the help from NAMI I'm not sure that we could do that on our on. I know I would not stay long. It's hard to walk away from someone who is ur best friend and you have known since u were 14 yrs old. But ur correct we can not change others.


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[txbipolar]

I could not be married or in a relationship with someone with MI. I know this sounds horrible- but I need to be able to take care of me at times and not worry about the kids or house falling down when I'm unavailable to do the work. I have been married for almost 12 years now and have a 6 and 2 year old. If he wasn't as stable as he is, I don't know where I'd be. He pays the bills and picks up my slack when needed.

[shortandcute]

Ok, well this was my personal experience. My second husband was schizophrenic and also suffered from depression, among other things. I am bipolar, but I did not that was what was wrong with me at the time. I did not realize how sick he was and I gave him a lot of crap over the years about his meds. A lot of that was me being delusional (which I hear is common for bipolars). A lot of times I was so overwhelmed from being sick--even though I didn't was causing it at ther time--and I had this idea in my head that he was really more "normal" than he really was, and I was expecting him to be the strong one and to "take care of me." Well, he was kind of thinking the same thing about me: that I was supposed to be some type of "angel-goddess" and be his savior. He also could not read and was borderline retarded and really needed someone to help him with his meds, and I was not able to do that; so one thing led to another and eventually, he started drinking and using again, was out of control on his meds, and really just went off the deep end, until finally, he just killed himself. This triggered me into a severe mania-and not a happy one either. I'm still suffering the consequences of things I did during that mania.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by txbipolar

I could not be married or in a relationship with someone with MI. I know this sounds horrible- but I need to be able to take care of me at times and not worry about the kids or house falling down when I'm unavailable to do the work. I have been married for almost 12 years now and have a 6 and 2 year old. If he wasn't as stable as he is, I don't know where I'd be. He pays the bills and picks up my slack when needed.

I think you are smart. I wish I had that insight about myself years ago. In the long run, I had three babies by three different men, the first one was adopted by my sister because I knew I couldn't handle it--the other two I tried to raise, but it was really hard on all of us. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but it has been very on them not only because of not having a dad, but I was such a psycho and they had to deal with that.