[r010159]

Hello,

I need to manage my first crisis. I am on disability because of my BP. My mother is on Medicaid with a hired caretaker. She comes in a few hours a day. I am the primary caretaker for my mother, and this can be a stressful job. My mother is going into the more advanced stages of dementia.

The caretaker has some good qualities. But she avoids conflict at all costs. Now she has to be very assertive with my mother. I find I have to take the lead. Today was a difficult day, for my mother will not get out of bed again. She needs her shower, medication, and meals. Her doctor wants me to walk her outside everyday.

I took over and was very assertive to get my mother out of bed. The caretaker fought with me every step of the way, and did this in front of my now upset mother. Then the caretaker walked out the door on me. The situation was out of control. I found out she was calling her boss. She came back and fought with me again. I fired her even though she told me I could not.

I then got my mother out of her bed and walked her to the neighbors. We all were laughing in short time. I received a call from the company she worked for. I told them to send someone else they balked. I then decided to try to work this out. Her account manager is coming tomorrow with the caretaker in order to try to work this out.

I was very rattled with my hands shaking allot. I was very upset. If I was not medicated properly, I would of lost it. I am hanging in there, but I do not know what to do with myself.

I need some help!

I think all of you are great! Oh yes, this is my SECOND crisis.

Hey, hi. You have a huge responsibility, with your mom in the situation she's in. Sounds to me like you handled the problem well. When you have the meeting tomorrow just remember to breathe and calmly state your thoughts and feelings.
sr~

[r010159]

Thank you for your vote of confidence!

Anyone else have something helpful to say?

[Nammu]

Do what you did here, state her positives and then state that your mother must be gotten up, showered and walked per doctors orders. That is her job, if she can.t be assertive enough to do it then she needs to back you up and not cause more upset and confusion for your mother. Many care aids are not trained and just learn on the job. So just be calm, assertive and do whatever is best for your mother.
You might ask the account manager if there is a class the aid can go to to learn how to deal with some of the situations that arise with dementia or how to be assertive without being aggressive. It's a fine line and a lot of people don't understand the difference between them, they think being assertive with someone is abuse.
I was a CNA in geriatrics for years and it takes a strong person to deal with this special problem. It's great that you are doing what needs to be done and it is stressful.
One reason they may not want to send someone else is because they have no one else to send.

[r010159]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

Do what you did here, state her positives and then state that your mother must be gotten up, showered and walked per doctors orders. That is her job, if she can.t be assertive enough to do it then she needs to back you up and not cause more upset and confusion for your mother. Many care aids are not trained and just learn on the job. So just be calm, assertive and do whatever is best for your mother.
You might ask the account manager if there is a class the aid can go to to learn how to deal with some of the situations that arise with dementia or how to be assertive without being aggressive. It's a fine line and a lot of people don't understand the difference between them, they think being assertive with someone is abuse.
I was a CNA in geriatrics for years and it takes a strong person to deal with this special problem. It's great that you are doing what needs to be done and it is stressful.
One reason they may not want to send someone else is because they have no one else to send.

Thanks! All are very wise words. "Be just calm, assertive, and do whatever is best for your mother", this makes allot of sense to me. I was going to come off very assertive at first, and maybe even as little aggressive. But that would be my "knee jerk" reaction. I do think they do not have anyone else to send.

I contacted Mercy Care who is the insurance that is ultimately providing this service. They hire the care taking service, and that service hires the caretaker. I explained the whole thing to her and my rational behind my actions. And then I asked her what are my options. She told me I can have them replace the caretaker with no reason required. Now get this, I can also go to another care taking business when I determine that the current business is not meeting my needs, with no reason required.

How does that saying go? "Walk softly but carry a big stick?". I think I will first be assertive about my needs, and then "walk softly" and give them an opportunity to tell me how they can meet my needs. IMO this would be a good starting point. It is easy for me to get caught up in what can go wrong. So I do not think I will be getting much sleep tonight. But I will try. As a friend once told me: "Bob, your in the drivers seat". So knowing this helps make me feel better and allows me to be gracious to them at no expense to me. But I cannot act the victim, and feel I have to bend over backwards for them, like it has been my fault. This is what I always do. So I will need to stick to my script.

OMG I am being rational about this! This is not normal. This is not normal. Maybe, just maybe, my meds are working for a change! <fingers crossed>

[r010159]

Meeting with caretaker and her boss in one hour!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by r010159

Meeting with caretaker and her boss in one hour!

You can do it!

How did it go?

[r010159]

The account manager took the lead, which is what I thought would happen. Even though she managed to be professional and elicit my respect, she in her own way was falling all over herself to make me happy.

I started outlining all my requirements concerning my mothers care. We worked out a routine for the caregiver to follow everyday. I made my points and concerns when the opportunities presented themselves. All in all, this was a good meeting. The manager then spent the next hour with the caregiver showing her the schedule, and telling her how she mishandled the situation.

An hour before the meeting, anxiety mounted and small waves of depression washed over me. But my meds allowed me to hang in there. Instead of mulling about what can go wrong, I went next door to visit the neighbor until they came.

Another crisis handled! Thank you all for your support. It looks like I need to work on my rapport as an employer of a caretaker, but it looks like it will work out one way or another. I did not have to use my "big stick".

[Nammu]

**Great!* Congratulations for handling things so successfully!