Heading into mania

I'm slowly heading into mania, and apparently there's nothing I can do over the weekend. For the past couple weeks, I've noticed that I have little to no patience for my boys and husband, most notably my 4 year old. He is very much a momma's boy and always feels he needs to be next to me, on me, holding my hand or arm or leg, always on me. Usually I can find the cuteness in it and just laugh it off. But lately, it is annoying as hell and I am yelling at him to get off me and just get away. Wednesday, I was at my oldest's baseball game, and my youngest kept trying to climb on me and I kept pushing him away and telling him no. This was going on over and over and over again, and I was losing patience. I knew there were people around me, and I knew they were paying attention to what was going on, so I tried to be as discrete as possible. What I really wanted to do was push him hard enough that he would fall back over onto his bottom. My thinking was that, maybe that would teach him a lesson and he would leave me alone!
This afternoon, I just about lost it on him again when he's trying to climb all over me and knocks down my water cup and cracks it on the bleachers. Then he's dripping his juice that's upside down into the backpack that has the snacks in it. I was ready to just lose it and yell the hell out of him, no matter who was there. I knew they were watching me get onto him about knocking the cup over and trying to climb all over me, and I really didn't care...normally, I am very self-conscious around other people, worried about how they perceive me. My husband was taking a break from taking photos, and I walked off to call my doctor. The answering service asked if it was an emergency...I said it was heading that way. I couldn't think straight and was just trying to get across that I want to leave a message for him so he can call me back and give me some advice on what I can do to get past this. She said she can only do something if I say it's an emergency....I said it was heading that way, doesn't it seem like that's me saying there's an emergency??? I just hang up on her and suffered through the rest of the game. I was fighting back tears, I was just to that point where it feels like nothing is going right or is going to be fixed and I feel so helpless. Then I start thinking about how things are going to go for me because what if I can't wait until Monday morning to call him and get to speak to him? I realize I could have just told the lady that it is an emergency, but I just didn't want to talk to her anymore. I could not treat her professionally.
Long story short, I took 1mg Ativan before we went to a birthday party for my step mother-in-law, just to see if it would do anything. It took about 30 minutes, and my youngest was cute and funny again. But I also have this feeling that I need to be involved in every conversation and compete for the attention, or just be everyone's friend. Maybe it's because I don't have any real close friends, and certainly not one I could go to and tell all this to. But I've noticed when I get manic, I also try and have more conversations with people when they really don't want to. I will put myself out there and start a conversation or do something to maybe get something out of someone. And I'll way overtalk a topic.

I'm just not sure I can wait until Monday morning to call my pdoc. I don't think I'm in an emergency situation, I just want advice on maybe starting to lower my Lamictal to see if that brings me out of this mania. My original plan was to call Monday, but things just seemed to be getting out of control today. But maybe the Ativan is what I need to bring me out of it. It only lasted a couple hours, though.

When I was manic back in august I was SUPER irritable. I was the exact same way with my son, who was only 2 1/2 at the time. I felt awful. Klonopin helped though. So did Benadryl when I ran out of kpin and the doc refused to prescribe any more.

Irritability is horrible and it's my worst symptom, but you can probably make it till Monday. Just take the Ativan. Take more than usual if you have to, but be careful because that's why my pdoc wouldn't prescribe it again.

Try to do some relaxation, or at least take deep breaths often. Take a few minutes to yourself every hour so you can regroup. I started out having a bad day today and really didn't want to get into another fight with my husband so I went out on the porch every so often and just took some deep breaths in the sunlight. It helped. I wasn't super nice but I didn't get in a fight.

Irritability is definitely my worst symptom. I would get so mad at my boys and yell and scream and spank them, and get even more mad if my husband tried to intervene or take over so I could leave the situation. In my mind, he was telling me that I can't handle my own kids, or that I can't do it as well as he can. I'm just worried about what I'm doing to my kids. My oldest is almost 9, and he was about 2 when I got diagnosed, so he's seen some stuff. I wish I could just be more creative with my time when I get manic...why do I have to get so mad???

Irritability is a major problem for me too, I don't have kids but I did almost start screaming at a women in the supermarkt for having the nerve to walk in front of me. I agree with the others just try to take time out for yourself before you can get it sorted with your pdoc.

thats one thing i noticed in my mother she had 11 kids and the younger ones were always attached to her at the leggs. i felt so bad for her because i could see she was upset sometimes, but rarely said much about it. i was the second eldest. i don't know how she did it and that is why i only had one child i could never handle more than that!!

I think losing patience with my daughter is one of my first signs that I'm getting manic. It always makes me feel bad that I get upset with her over nothing.

That's usually my first sign. My youngest may be always clinging to me and wanting my attention, but most of the time it doesn't get to me. My oldest is almost 9, and he was 2 when I was diagnosed. So he's been through some stuff pre-diagnosis and in the beginnings when I was going through meds that weren't working. Even in the last few years, I've put him through more than he should have. I just get this thing were if we are out in town and they aren't listening to me, I just walk away...and most of the time I don't care if they follow me or stay behind. This actually happened earlier this evening, but I had my husband with me. Then I have a sunburn on my shoulder from a day of baseball games yesterday, and I had my purse straps on my shoulder. My youngest pushed my purse away from my body, pulling on the straps...I came unglued in the store! I was yelling at him louder than I like in public, but I have come to the point where I just don't care who is around or where I'm at. And then I make him sad, and under normal circumstances it makes me sad knowing I did that. But today, his pitiful face did not phase me at all. That's another sign that I'm getting manic. And I also will go out of my way to pick fights with my boys, which is beyond ridiculous but I do it anyways. I get some kind of satisfaction in making them cry and sulk in their rooms after I yell and take the xbox away.
And it's not just my boys...I'll pick a fight with my husband too, or at least have a very short fuse with him. This morning, he was complaining about his sunburn and I was turned around from him getting breakfast for the boys. I had some smart retort for him, and he ended up throwing and breaking at plate at the sink. I had a smart ***** remark for that, I believe the f-bomb was thrown, and I was instantly in a bad mood only an hour after waking up. I can't wait until tomorrow when I can call my pdoc and let him know what's been going on and see what he says. Hopefully I can just talk it out over the phone and avoid another office visit not even two weeks apart. But I have to do what he thinks would be best.

If I'm by myself with the boys, I just tell them I'm done discussing things with them and I walk away from them or send them to their rooms. When my husband is around, I just walk away completely and let him do damage control. I just really worry about how they are going to turn out because of these moods I get into. My oldest just shuts down when he gets yelled at or gets angry and throw things in his room and slammed his door when he still had one. And it breaks my heart when they still tell me they love me. It feels like I don't deserve their love after all I've been putting them through.

I know what you mean about looking to pick fights. Any excuse will usually do. A plate could be set in the sink wrong and it will be enough to set me off. It's not even that the plate bothered me, it's just an excuse to start the fight I'm looking for. There seems to something so thrilling about fighting when I'm manic. My wife knows this, so she will just ignore me when I start yelling. Really takes all the fun out of it, which is what usually stops me sooner than I would if she fought back.

My husband is not very confrontational, and usually he just clams up and doesn't do or say anything, which makes me more angry and yell even more.

I know, right? My wife is the same way. She'll even just sit and watch t.v. while I sit and yell at her, and there are times that I've actually asked her why she won't fight with me. It makes me irrationally angry that she won't yell back.

I feel the same way. My husband really wants another child but I'm so afraid of making two kids' lives miserable my mom was mentally ill (still is) and I was so angry at her for a long time. I don't want my son to be like that. So I try to keep it together but it doesn't always work. Usually if he does something bad and I know I'm going to freak out I send him to his room for time out so that I have a chance for a time out myself.

I do that to my husband all the time because I know it infuriates him lol so if he's the one that started the fight I just ignore him or say "ok, you're right" sarcastically. Not the best communication skills.

If I started the fight you best believe I scream and curse and insult and throw things and hit...I hate when I get like that. I don't want to act like that around my son.

UPDATE: I called my pdoc today to leave a message, but he talked to my husband since I was in school. We are decreasing my Lamictal from 300mg to 100mg...slowly, to see if that it what is making me manic. He prescribed it to me to help with the depression, and that part has been working because it's been a really long time since I've been super depressed. But I haven't been sleeping as well, or even feeling tired, the last few weeks. I'm hoping this works!
I've been home for a few hours from school, and played with my youngest, tickling him and laughing with him. No anger at all! And I've just felt really good all day today.

Thinking of you! Just an idea - is your youngest getting to an age to gradually train him mommy isn't a jungle gym? In a mom, too, and I can relate. It may be better for him, too, when he starts school. Also, can you get some "alone" time - even just going to the grocery store alone can help. I think you need and deserve more support.

How are you doing? xox

I'm sorry. I've been so busy with school. Finals are next week. I am feeling much better. It took about a week after decreasing the lamictal all the way for me to get out if it and feel like myself again. I feel tired at night again and I'm not waking up as much during the night. And usually when I do wake up, it's after 4am and about time to wake up anyway.

I try all the time to get him to not climb all over me and he's gotten better. He's 4 so he is in preschool but only for 3 hours a day. My oldest was kinda like that, I would carry him everywhere because it was faster than him walking. That stopped when I got pregnant and told him he was too heavy for me to carry with the baby. He'll outgrow it eventually and I don't get to see him all the time right now with school for me.

Mine either Crazycatlady...I don't relate to the irritability much but more just the sadness and not wanting to get dressed or cook for the kids. They keep asking what is for supper and I just keep saying to GET YOUR OWN. I get mad that all they do is sit on their games and laptops then want a good meal. I get up late everyday and can't think of one thing to do so figure why bother. Laundry and dishes is my life. I have no friends or relatives and no one at home besides my husband cares what I do. So hopefully the kids don't notice how inactive and useless I feel.

good luck with finals. glad to hear you are are feeling a bit better. do keep us posted when you get a chance!

Sometimes I think being a little depressed would be much better than being angry all the time. Though I think it wears on my oldest a little, he's almost 9. He's so sensitive and emotional, I think it really gets to him when I'm off.
Do you work? I think it's very hard to maintain friendships of any kind when you're not working or able to be around adults some of the time. I'm in school right now. The semester is almost over and I've met exactly one friend. And that's because we had to work together on a project for a class. And it's probably only working out because we have the same major and some similar interests.