[OutlawedSpirit]

So I saw my T today and told her things were going great. I might have lied just a little. I don't even know why I lied, I love my T and I trust her, but I'm just so tired of this illness that I think if I deny it, maybe, just maybe, it will go away.

But I'm not okay. I'm paranoid my wife is leaving me. It's progressed to the point where I'm having nightmares about it. I did tell my T about that, and she asked if there was any reason for me to think she is going to leave. Of course there isn't, except for the fact that I'm not good enough for her. She could do so much better, and I'm terrified that some day she is going to wake up and realize that.

Hallucinations haven't been too bad. Some shadows and indistinct noises, but I can ignore those for the most part. I get those on most days so I try not to worry about it. They aren't hurting anything.

I'll tell you what does hurt though, and that's this damn depression. I've been fighting it, and it's been hard. My brother is in from out of town this weekend, so we went out with him Saturday night, and Sunday we went to my mom's for dinner, and last night everyone came here, and I honestly didn't want to do any of it. I really just want people to leave me alone.

I've even been lying to my wife about how I feel, which I don't usually do. I've told her that I feel fine. Why do I feel compelled to hide this depression that's killing me inside?

[Lobster Hands]

Why do we feel compelled to hide it? Because we don't want to be a burden on other people.

I've lied to my therapist and my parents about what I've been going through for the past couple weeks. I want to tell them, but I just feel bad for feeling bad.

I want to tell them. I need to tell them. But I just don't for some reason.

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[Trippin2.0]

Often we're just so used to holding it together and wearing our masks that it doesn't occur to us to do it any differently.

Well, that's true for me anyway, and I only realized it last week when my T asked if I ever willingly decide to not appear well put together...