[usehername]

I don't really know what I want to say or even where I am today...

I'm a full time student but I'm not really functioning through it. I'm doing a lot of other things and failing at all of them... I accidentally picked a hard teacher and long story short I've been more or less unable to get out of bed for the last three weeks (and missing a lot of class but it's probably pointless to go anyway).

I feel like I'm failing on all counts. Failing my mother, who I still live with (in my 30s, on her couch), failing my daughter who I'm supposed to be homeschooling, failing myself and the world at large...

There's something I'm supposed to be, something I should be doing... Something big. But I just can't. I can't even manage to do the little things. Even on the manic side I can't get anything done right.
I only felt suicidal once today, so I suppose that's good... But I don't think that's much of a victory.

I'm just angry and sad... My boyfriend texted me all day trying to cheer me up and on... I think it helped, but here I am again. Mindlessly typing letters. I don't blame anyone for not reading this. It's long and probably makes no sense, but it needs to go somewhere and my blog is getting full.

Maybe somebody here will understand somewhat, even though I'm typing an alien language...

I'm on meds but I don't think they're working... I'm so good at accidentally pretending to be fine that my shrink refuses to change them. If there weren't people stopping me (physically) from going, I'd probably be in a hospital somewhere...

Where's the up? There's no use in me like this. This me sucks.

[Orienteer]

If you truly feel like your meds aren't working and your doctor refuses to change them, then I recommend changing doctors. Having a doctor who is a good listener and someone you are comfortable talking to is important! But honestly if you tell your doctor you're feeling suicidal then I'm sure she/he will reevaluate what meds you're on.

Finding the right meds is life-changing. You can't expect to feel your best, or at least better, when you're on meds that don't work. So don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do right now.

I can relate to a lot of what you say in your post. So, no you are not typing an alien language. Even that part I can relate to- I often feel as though I am not making sense or that no one can understand what I'm trying to convey because I may not be making sense to myself.

Even the thought that:

Originally Posted by usehername

This me sucks.

But I want to answer this bit first-

Originally Posted by usehername

Where's the up?

I'll give you one. You are managing, at least in this post, to separate for yourself that there is a difference between THIS you, and the you when you are well. That is a huge distinction and can do well for you. It's telling yourself that, you, as a person, do not suck. This spot that you are in, this experience that you are having and so this situation that you are in? That sucks.
But you as a person don't.

If you want to get out of the hole you are in, you probably can to some degree, but you need help. You need to ask for it, and you need to do it soon:

Originally Posted by usehername

I'm on meds but I don't think they're working... I'm so good at accidentally pretending to be fine that my shrink refuses to change them

You need to contact your doctor. You need to explicitly say what you have described here. That you are not well, that you are demonstrating dysfunction in multiple areas of your life, you are unhappy, you can't function, you can't attend school. "For reasons A, B, C, [etc] I believe my medications are sucking, so my functioning is about the same. We need to address this. OH and by the way *I need some documentation for school"

*Which brings me to the next issue, if you haven't already done this. you didn't mention it, i can't be sure if you have registered with disability services or not, but I'll mention it on the chance you haven't.

Originally Posted by usehername

I'm a full time student but I'm not really functioning through it... I accidentally picked a hard teacher and long story short I've been more or less unable to get out of bed for the last three weeks (and missing a lot of class but it's probably pointless to go anyway).

OPTIONS
---Upon contacting your doctor, tell them you need documentation for school, stating explicitly how your mental health issue can affect functioning [Go here for some examples and info on classroom functioning limitations and accomodation examples: http://www.washington.edu/doit/Broch...cs/psych.html].
---Contact the person who deals with disability or academic accomodations at your school and set up and appointment immediately, even if you think this semester is shot.
---Present accomodations director/head/person with documentation.
-------If you don't think you can catch up with school this semester, pursue a medical withdrawal and ask about documentation needed to do that. This won't affect your GPA.
---If you look into accomodations it will help in the future

Originally Posted by usehername

I feel like I'm failing on all counts. Failing my mother, who I still live with (in my 30s, on her couch), failing my daughter who I'm supposed to be homeschooling, failing myself and the world at large...

I don't know the details of your relationship with your mother, or how old your daughter is.
If you can't do the parts of the homeschooling for your daughter that you should be responsible for, you need to do the next best thing and probably get her back into public school or hire someone to take on the homeschooling.

As far as your mother, I'm not sure what the situation is. Does she know how bad off things are?

Originally Posted by usehername

I only felt suicidal once today, so I suppose that's good... But I don't think that's much of a victory.

Count everything as a victory.
That is how you build to success.

Really truly. You start building a better life by just remembering to brush your teeth every morning.

Maybe think about some of these things and if they could work or not.
I suggested them not because I think it is easy to do them and just check them off the list, but because I have been in a similar situation [a few times] and done those things to try to dig my way out.

I hope something in here helps.

Josie

[usehername]

Orienteer-
I would love to change docs. I had a great one when I had insurance. Then I lost it and now I'm on government healthcare. I think I may have found an angle, though. I also suffer from migraines and some of the best preventative measures happen to be mood-stabilizers, so we'll see what he says. Either way, I need to get him to listen to me.
Any tips?

Josie-
Thank you so much for your post. I'm glad somebody can relate and you've given me a lot of great options to work with. I probably would have never looked at things with that amount of perspective.

I will definitely bring things up with my doctor, even if I forget how bad it was. My highs usually derail my life anyway, so it should be more obvious soon. I haven't been very open to my therapist, either. I really don't feel comfortable with either of them, but for now, I'm kind of stuck with them both.

As far as school goes, I think I waited too long for this quarter. There are only two weeks left, so I think my GPA will have to take a hit. Although if my teacher believed in powerpoints or wasn't the hardest teacher in the school, I probably would've been fine...
Will the school help me without federal disability? Because I understand that I could get that, but they'd take it all away as soon as I step foot back into class... I checked out the link you posted... some really useful stuff in there. Thank you.

My mother is too busy battling her own things to really notice mine (let alone pick up any slack), I think, but at least we are getting along.

My daughter (11) will be entering regular school again this fall. Somehow I will figure out how to get her registered...

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They really mean a lot to me.

[Orienteer]

Originally Posted by usehername

Orienteer-
I would love to change docs. I had a great one when I had insurance. Then I lost it and now I'm on government healthcare. I think I may have found an angle, though. I also suffer from migraines and some of the best preventative measures happen to be mood-stabilizers, so we'll see what he says. Either way, I need to get him to listen to me.
Any tips?

I think Josie hit the nail on this head with this, especially in regards to talking with your doc:

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

You need to explicitly say what you have described here. That you are not well, that you are demonstrating dysfunction in multiple areas of your life, you are unhappy, you can't function, you can't attend school. "For reasons A, B, C, [etc] I believe my medications are sucking, so my functioning is about the same. We need to address this.

So you just need to be direct with your doctor. It will be easy for your doctor to better understand your situation once you explicitly describe what's going on. That way she or he can help you and find meds that work.

Sorry I can't be more helpful; I've never been in a situation like this myself, but I really hope things work out for you. Take care and keep us updated!

[Standup2me]

Count everything as a victory.
That is how you build to success.

Josie
Those words have so much power and meaning

I think that I really needed someone to remind me of that!