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#1
May 31, 2014, 06:55 PM
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Just visiting me manic again: In Paradisium. There was so much more to it than this. (More posts, too!) I remember wanting to be one with the universe and angels giving me messages that told me the secret to the universe. They did this straight into my brain. I felt I knew everything and I was a peace with the entirety of creation. (It seems I end up here in the Fall. I think its the light changing, but nobody believes me. Hopefully, I can stay out of the hospital this year in September/October/November.)
And yet it was more than this: I thought angels were giving me messages but I also thought aliens had abducted my friend, K, and had taken over his mind and body. I thought, therefore, that he was an alien. I thought I could fly. Every time I saw the doctor in charge at the psych. hospital, he'd ask if I could fly, and I'd reluctantly say yes and then no and then yes again. Reading this post doesn't given you a good idea. You have to go back and read how disjointed the originals are. The lights outside that I describe, too, called to me, shining brightly in the rain. That was the day I went to the psych. hospital last October. I recall wanting to feel the hard metal of the cars making contact with me and then breaking my bones. The light poles stationary, taking the force of my body and the warped metal of the car at the same time, as we tried to take up the same area of space. It was a cold, slow dance, I envisioned, with the wipers tocking back and forth in the rain. I wanted the heightened sensations. I needed every nuance: each step I took, the feeling of the cold metals, becoming one with it all- the heightened mania that NEEDED the desperation of it all, yet the floating detachment of each footstep. Tuesday, October 1, 2013 Whirling Wipers Walking through the fog I breathe in its viscosity. The cars drive one way- a wiper swipes- then the other whooshing by. They don't exist. I can walk between the most and air as it overburdens my lungs, thick. The air blows around my ankles and is soothing. Whirling through the cars like the fog. Like the ghost that I am. I don't exist. Time changes. Every bit of what I am and was and could be are now one. I take another step. One. Two. The lights change. The fog lays low, cuddling around the hard bright surfaces of metal. I step again. Red.... Green. Step. Whoosh! Honk! I am free! Time and I are one. I step again.... Breathe in that thick air. Stop.
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat - He who sings prays twice ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 4.5 mg Risperdal .5 mg  Gabapentin 600 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily |
 unaluna
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#2
May 31, 2014, 09:24 PM
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Im feeling a little manic tonight actually. And hungry.
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat - He who sings prays twice ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 4.5 mg Risperdal .5 mg Gabapentin 600 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily |
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#3
May 31, 2014, 09:41 PM
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Yeah, I relate to this. A lot! I have been diagnosed for three and a half years now, and this is the first fall I wasn't über manic. I had a bit of a mixed episode this march, but didn't affect my work or impact my life seriously even though I was in the hospital a couple days. This kept me hopeful, my meds were altered, and I've been feeling good, stable and such. I have a similar thought about the whole fall thing!
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 Moose72
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#4
Jun 01, 2014, 10:00 AM
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Mania is intense. There is nothing like it, it's like being on some super-drug.
Enjoyed your writing.
__________________
Bipolar 1 ~ 300mg Lamictal, 4mg Ativan
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| Moose72
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#5
Jun 01, 2014, 04:30 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat - He who sings prays twice ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 4.5 mg Risperdal .5 mg Gabapentin 600 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily |
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#6
Jun 01, 2014, 04:31 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Qui Cantat Bis Orat - He who sings prays twice ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg Vraylar 4.5 mg Risperdal .5 mg Gabapentin 600 mg Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily |
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#7
Jun 02, 2014, 10:16 PM
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Quote:
Totally. I had one episode when i was married where my coworkers thought i was on meth, and my exhusband thought i was on cocaine. I actually went an took a drug test to prove to him that i wasn't on anything. That was just purely my brain chemistry Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
| Moose72
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#8
Jun 02, 2014, 11:05 PM
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I could not agree more. I am especially moved by the lines "wanting to feel the hard metal of the cars making contact with me and then breaking my bones. " and " walking through the fog I breathe in its viscosity. " and " like the ghost that I am. I don't exist." These words are powerful, honest, and brutal. And only someone who has experienced it can relate. Thank you for this.
Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk |
| Moose72
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