[usehername]

In August, I completely flipped out on my boyfriend. I was convinced he was against me, using me, and conspiring against me with my ex (he was kinda friends with him at the time). I made all sorts of wild accusations and was a total *****. This was just days before our 6 month anniversary - a big deal for me, because most of my relationships are very short-lived.

This is why he is currently my "not boyfriend". I am confused because he forgave me enough to sort of stay... We are faithful to one another, yet I feel like he hasn't forgiven me either or he'd be mine. :'(

In a sense, he is. I know he isn't looking for anyone else, I trust that he won't stray, and even on our first date, he was sure he still wanted to be with me a year later. Which makes me that much sadder because I doubt we will be celebrating our one year this February.

Nevertheless, whenever we see each other (few and far between, about once a month) he continues to talk about a future for us, unless I'm misconstruing that too. I can never tell. It's like he sees a future for us, but not a present. I know he's still dealing with his last relationship (very long, ended very shortly before we began) but I feel so bad about that flip out that I keep taking everything he does personally, which only adds to the issues. He is also bipolar. This sucks because I already love him, but he's in no place to meet me there, so I can't tell him.

I feel so bad that I hurt him, or triggered him, or whatever the hell happened. I know for certain I will never flip out like that on him again, no matter what, because I feel so god damn bad, STILL.

It was just one fight, completely one-sided, he never came back at me in anger... He was so sweet, even while trying to break things off. He couldn't, we were back together halfway, like this within about 14 hours... When we were breaking up that night he said he wished all his plans had worked out right because then he could have given me everything I ever wanted and more and we would have been together forever. That "forever" thing really sticks with me.

How do I integrate the lesson and stop kicking myself at the same time?? I still cry every time I think about it because I almost lost him forever! He and I were friends for a while before dating. In the beginning, he was my best friend, now he's so distant... I want him to be close again. I miss what we had. Every day I feel like he's going further and further away, but he keeps talking closer - recently about "when the time comes, stepping up to the role" with my child, despite keeping me at a distance.

But how can he forgive me when I can't even forgive myself? I was such a paranoid ***!

[x_BabyG_x]

I don't know how much this will help, but last year I started blogging (see link below!) I'm currently in the process of admitting to myself all my past behaviours and wrong doings, everything I've been ashamed of not only admitting to others, but to myself too.

As a result, I'm slowly accepting my past and forgiving myself for my actions in order to move on and make better future decisions. Try it, be 100% honest with yourself. It's hard at first but it's by far the best thing I've done so far on the journey to my own self acceptance. Hope this helps x

[usehername]

I blog a lot, but never really about what you're talking about... I will five it a try.

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[winter4me]

Try to remember, also, the relationship is young yet----take your time...

[Victoria'smom]

Start with texting him good morning every day, nothing else. I think as your relationship improves you'll forgive yourself more.

[usehername]

Winter4me - I suppose oy still is young, though at nearly two years, I doesn't feel young. I haven't done well with relationships in the past and I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself because this one's lasted so far.

Miguel'smom - that's where I've been... It seems to be working and I love the good morning texts back

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[Trippin2.0]

My bf behaved very similar to how you describe yours after the very first time I MAJORLY flipped out at him.

Its not a reflection on you, nor does it suggest your relationship is in a rocky boat.

Buuut, him distancing himself is more about him keeping his guard up and keeping himself safe while he figures out how to navigate this new territory he's discovered.

Well that's been true in my relationship anyway, but yours sounds very similar.

Just give him time to process, provide him with resources so that he's educated and give him the space he needs while feeling wounded or unsure of his footing.

Me stepping back and not pressuring him to have things back the way they were actually helped bring him back closer to me, than had I pushed. *His words, not mine.

But in the same breath, while you're respecting his new temporary boundary, keep the communication going and open.

Its 1 thing for us to apologize until we're blue in the face, but its another when we do our best to show them we're sorry by respecting their wishes and letting them regain their trust in us.

I wish I could say I never flipped out on him again, but I have BPD, soooo yeah.

I can say this with conviction though, he doesn't withdraw into his safe zone anymore, we sort out these things immediately. I've learned to identify when a BPD *****fit is building, and can MOSTLY avoid the full extent of the venom that brews. If and when I fail to recognize it though, he actually has a safe word he uses.

There are ways to work around these things when people are willing to work together.



Just wanted you to know I honestly know what you're going through.

[thegirlinpurple]

Last year when I had a very long mixed episode, I cheated on my husband and then started a relationship with another guy. I proceeded to move out and left my husband. I realized that my hubby is the one I want and the past year has been a huge nightmare. I put him through so much that I could never take back... It is a process to repair relationships...beating yourself up about it doesn't help

[r010159]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

My bf behaved very similar to how you describe yours after the very first time I MAJORLY flipped out at him.

Its not a reflection on you, nor does it suggest your relationship is in a rocky boat.

Buuut, him distancing himself is more about him keeping his guard up and keeping himself safe while he figures out how to navigate this new territory he's discovered.

Well that's been true in my relationship anyway, but yours sounds very similar.

Just give him time to process, provide him with resources so that he's educated and give him the space he needs while feeling wounded or unsure of his footing.

Me stepping back and not pressuring him to have things back the way they were actually helped bring him back closer to me, than had I pushed. *His words, not mine.

But in the same breath, while you're respecting his new temporary boundary, keep the communication going and open.

Its 1 thing for us to apologize until we're blue in the face, but its another when we do our best to show them we're sorry by respecting their wishes and letting them regain their trust in us.

I wish I could say I never flipped out on him again, but I have BPD, soooo yeah.

I can say this with conviction though, he doesn't withdraw into his safe zone anymore, we sort out these things immediately. I've learned to identify when a BPD *****fit is building, and can MOSTLY avoid the full extent of the venom that brews. If and when I fail to recognize it though, he actually has a safe word he uses.

There are ways to work around these things when people are willing to work together.



Just wanted you to know I honestly know what you're going through.

This is good advice! And I also had contemplated the use of a safe word.

[Skitz13]

MI and relationships, I've given up