[littlemiss44]

I realize that with death of a loved one brings grief...but stress and extreme anxiety bring out my bp symptoms and depression. Can anyone else relate? My mother was a good person who had her faults. She contributed to my issues. She was abusive and harmful. Her way of showing love was by buying me things. She didn't know how to love me. I was not loved in the way a person should be loved. One minute she could be paying for me to go to the dentist and the next she would be putting me down. In August she bought me a car...I pay for it but she put it in her name. Then a few months later she heard me crying and said to stop crying like a dam baby. I tried to limit my exposure but it was hard. When I was hypomanic she didn't know how to deal with me. That's common isn't it? When others just can't understand but out of anyone I would have loved to have her acceptance. During my depression she would pay for my meds then the next minute told me to get it together...and she refused to accept my issues. I've just came out of iop program at the hospital...I got stabilized with a good med combo along with new skills to help me with my symptoms. But we all know the symptoms can break thru. How can I stay balanced but grieve at the same time? Sorry to babble on but I needed to vent. I feel guilty even thinking of the negative parts of her. She did alot of good things for me. She was always there for me no matter how negative or positive it might have been.

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[(JD)]

This is heart=wrenching. Condolences.

Yes, 5 years ago my mother died. I was her attorney in fact and am a trustee.

It's very common when the loss first occurs to only remember the good stuff...even if the person was abusive it might be put to the back at first. But as you grieve, reality sets in and helps you realize that she was human and did have her faults, as you said. It helps to allow those memories in, too, as it eases the hurt some.

But still...she was your mother...and what will raise it's head is your anger and grief that now that she is gone there is no chance for you and her to have a wonderful mother-daughter relationship (as if that would ever change or occur anyway, we tend to forget that). It is what it is.

Allow yourself to grieve however it is you need to. Everyone grieves differently but we all tend to go through the 5 "stages" of grief. I don't like to use the word stages because it makes it seem like first you do this, then you feel that...and grief isn't like that at all... you can feel abandoned and angry and guilty all at the same time.

Just remember you're grieving...and don't beat yourself up for any memories or feelings you might entertain for a while okay?

[Victoria'smom]

How can I stay balanced but grieve at the same time? I would say try to get back into IOP. Keep typing here and reach out.

[littlemiss44]

Thank you guys...she was human with her own issues but there was love behind it all. I feel blessed because I was the last person to talk to her. She was already in a vegetative state. I told her it was okay to go. That we would take care of my dad and my disabled brother...she was a master gardener and I told her by bf would take care of her farm. Then I said I love you with all my heart and I kissed her forehead. I went into the kitchen as my family and I were ordering pizza. Five minutes had passed and my father went to check on her and she was gone. She loved me how she knew how to love. Thank you for yr words of encouragement. I.know time will ease my pain but I'll never forget everything about her.

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[Trippin2.0]

My advice? Just go with the flow, fighting it has a way of backfiring badly...

When my brother suddenly died, I'm pretty sure I fell off my rocker and broke it in the process. I was unstable as all hell. Buuuut, in my defence, that was a few months before being dxd and I didn't even know wth I was dealing with. I'm sure that had I known, I would've taken better care of myself. All I knew was that the stuff (episodes) I was battling, had suddenly become larger than life.

3 short months later, just as I was emerging from a rage filled psychotic depression and in the process of being dxd, my dad died.

The earth caved beneath me, but instead of batshyt crazy like before I was mostly just numb...

So I had 2 very differing grief reactions in a very short span of time.

Anyway, the point of all that info is this:

Constantly trying to frantically hold the pieces together isn't always the best way to go. Especially not with grief, it has to be experienced and processed somehow, and it will claw its way out of you eventually.

Cry when you're sad, scream into a pillow when you're mad, but DON'T deny yourself the right to feel your emotions on the account that they're larger than life. They're still valid, they're still real, they still need and deserve to be felt.

Best coping mechanism I had?

Sharing old "Remember when" stories with friends and familiy. My dad was no saint either, sometimes we spoke about his temper and I even b1tched about not knowing how to feel about him post mortem on here.
So its not that I pretended he was perfect and only focussed on his good side, its just that talking and mostly the joking about him helped us process as he was big on (his own dry) humour.

So yeah, don't fight what you feel, they're as valid as anybody else's feelings.

My sincerest condolences to you and your family, feel free to PM me anytime should you want to chat one on one.

[littlemiss44]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

My advice? Just go with the flow, fighting it has a way of backfiring badly...

When my brother suddenly died, I'm pretty sure I fell off my rocker and broke it in the process. I was unstable as all hell. Buuuut, in my defence, that was a few months before being dxd and I didn't even know wth I was dealing with. I'm sure that had I known, I would've taken better care of myself. All I knew was that the stuff (episodes) I was battling, had suddenly become larger than life.

3 short months later, just as I was emerging from a rage filled psychotic depression and in the process of being dxd, my dad died.

The earth caved beneath me, but instead of batshyt crazy like before I was mostly just numb...

So I had 2 very differing grief reactions in a very short span of time.

Anyway, the point of all that info is this:

Constantly trying to frantically hold the pieces together isn't always the best way to go. Especially not with grief, it has to be experienced and processed somehow, and it will claw its way out of you eventually.

Cry when you're sad, scream into a pillow when you're mad, but DON'T deny yourself the right to feel your emotions on the account that they're larger than life. They're still valid, they're still real, they still need and deserve to be felt.

Best coping mechanism I had?

Sharing old "Remember when" stories with friends and familiy. My dad was no saint either, sometimes we spoke about his temper and I even b1tched about not knowing how to feel about him post mortem on here.
So its not that I pretended he was perfect and only focussed on his good side, its just that talking and mostly the joking about him helped us process as he was big on (his own dry) humour.

So yeah, don't fight what you feel, they're as valid as anybody else's feelings.

My sincerest condolences to you and your family, feel free to PM me anytime should you want to chat one on one.

Thank you for writing me about your experiences with grief. It really helped me understand how I'm feeling is okay. It sounds like you had alot happen to you all at once. Being diagnosed and having losses at the same time sounds very very overwhelming...unbearable pain. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I love my mother dearly. In a strange way I was teaching her about life and how to love. I hope she really heard all the things I was trying to instill in her. It seems to me that to her love was painful so she avoided it. She worried constantly and was full of anxiety and grief for the life she never got...the real love she yearned for my father could never give her. He is mean and cold hearted. Bullied me my whole life. But that's a whole story in itself. I feel like I should be crying more. I'm more in shock or numb. She was a miserable person and lacked true compassion. But she always showed me she loved me by doing things for me. I feel happy for her cause she's not suffering anymore...physically nor emotionally. She wanted more from life but couldn't see how to get away from my father's control. It's sad but it was towards the end when she realized what she missed out on.

Thanks for listening. It helps to write you about it cause it sounds like you understand. I wish I'd cry more.

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[Trippin2.0]

You're most welcome, I don't mind sharing, and I meant what I said, you can message me anytime, I'm happy to help you through this.

[swheaton]

I lost my mom in 2009. I had issues with her, but when she passed suddenly, it became too much to bear. Grieve, you need too. If you need to talk, I'm here!

[Skitz13]

I have not lost a parent but just wanted to send my condolences.

[Nammu]

Brace up your support systems. See your T more often, go to an IOP and if you need to see your Pdoc more often. Tell people around you that you really need their support right now.

I'm so sorry about your mom, thats really hard.