[wildflowerchild25]

I'm laying on the rocks here down at rock bottom. They're kind of sharp but oddly comfortable and I'm starting to say **** it and just sink in to them and quit fighting. I can feel a change coming on. Wednesday I woke up at 4:15 with my mind spinning, ready for work, jumped out of bed at six (couldn't get up and alert anyone to my state of mind so early), etc. then back down the rabbit hole - didn't Alice almost drown in her own tears? I can't even cry - for Thursday, agitated as hell yesterday, and settled back on the rocks today. It's my typical pattern. Two weeks of a solid mood state, then they start mixing together, then the switch. Of course, that's unmedicated. The meds may change that. They seem to be like sugar pills right now but everyone says just give it time.

Pdoc started to taper off geodon on the assumption I would be able to start Invega last Tuesday. But really, why should anything be so simple for me right now? Why should my crappy *** insurance say yeah sure, no problem? No no no. Better say **** you, wild, we're not covering a brand new medication. How about you pay $1000 for it instead. HA.

I think I will be able to get it but my pdoc has to argue my case. I was really hoping to be Able to get the full two weeks of it because I have two weeks off from work and I need need NEED to stabilize at least a LITTLE ****ing BIT before I can handle summer school. I cannot be what they need me to be or the teacher I want to be down here on these rocks. And I certainly can't be it up in space either, though at least the geodon keeps me tethered to earth. At least I can rest on the international space station Instead of floating through the solar system on my own. But I sure can't focus enough.

The rocks are sharp and I must get up despite the exhaustion because I can't let this win and I don't want to be here I want to be where the people are - another Disney movie and dammit I hate Disney - so I guess I'm going to try to find a ladder that has to be here somewhere in this darkness.

I know you guys all feel me ;-) tell me one little thing you do for yourself when you are in a bad depressive episode. I might buy myself some really rich ice cream if I can make it to the store. I haven't been eating. What do you do to take care of yourself and remind yourself you are important?

[Skitz13]

Well you have to eat as hard as it might be to do right now. If your body isn't getting nutrition your moods are going to be unstable. Secondly keep in mind that you are tapering off a med right now so again, your mood is going to be effected.

Ice cream sounds like a great idea.

Hang on!!! Let your doc do her thing and get you that med. The more you worry, the more you're going to get depressed.

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I'm laying on the rocks here down at rock bottom. They're kind of sharp but oddly comfortable and I'm starting to say **** it and just sink in to them and quit fighting. I can feel a change coming on. Wednesday I woke up at 4:15 with my mind spinning, ready for work, jumped out of bed at six (couldn't get up and alert anyone to my state of mind so early), etc. then back down the rabbit hole - didn't Alice almost drown in her own tears? I can't even cry - for Thursday, agitated as hell yesterday, and settled back on the rocks today. It's my typical pattern. Two weeks of a solid mood state, then they start mixing together, then the switch. Of course, that's unmedicated. The meds may change that. They seem to be like sugar pills right now but everyone says just give it time.

Pdoc started to taper off geodon on the assumption I would be able to start Invega last Tuesday. But really, why should anything be so simple for me right now? Why should my crappy *** insurance say yeah sure, no problem? No no no. Better say **** you, wild, we're not covering a brand new medication. How about you pay $1000 for it instead. HA.

I think I will be able to get it but my pdoc has to argue my case. I was really hoping to be Able to get the full two weeks of it because I have two weeks off from work and I need need NEED to stabilize at least a LITTLE ****ing BIT before I can handle summer school. I cannot be what they need me to be or the teacher I want to be down here on these rocks. And I certainly can't be it up in space either, though at least the geodon keeps me tethered to earth. At least I can rest on the international space station Instead of floating through the solar system on my own. But I sure can't focus enough.

The rocks are sharp and I must get up despite the exhaustion because I can't let this win and I don't want to be here I want to be where the people are - another Disney movie and dammit I hate Disney - so I guess I'm going to try to find a ladder that has to be here somewhere in this darkness.

I know you guys all feel me ;-) tell me one little thing you do for yourself when you are in a bad depressive episode. I might buy myself some really rich ice cream if I can make it to the store. I haven't been eating. What do you do to take care of yourself and remind yourself you are important?

What do I do to remind myself I am important?
I had to sit here and think for a few moments before I came up with an answer. What I came up with was, I have been in that hole before. I have sat on the rocks, played with the sharp edges, looked at my soft skin and wondered what if. The rocks at the time looked attractive, alluring. But I have found that ladder and climbed out of that hole, several times.

For me, trying to remember that the way I feel today is not necessarily the way I willl feel in a fortnight, a month or a year is the biggest tool I have to keep going. Tomorrow is a new day, and with each new day is hope. Hope begins with remembering to breathe so you can see tomorrow. And looking back it has worked.

You have hopes and dreams that you mentioned in your post. Hold onto these. They ARE attainable. They ARE great goals to have. You will get there. If you can try to remember it takes baby steps to learn how to walk, and you cannot run before you can walk. It is the same with your goals. Baby steps. Some days all you will do is survive,and prove to yourself you can survive. Other days you will make advances toward your goals. Take each day as it comes and don't be too hard on yourself. Each day you remember to stop and breathe is a day you are closer to your goals and dreams.

Hang in there, you can do it

[Victoria'smom]

I take a bubble bath, stare at my tattoo it says 'breathe', and rely on my PRN.

[thatsjustwhoiam]

Hi there, wildflowerchild25! Nice to meet you.

I can relate to your situation and here's some of self ideas i use when the times are bad for me.

*meditation and yoga
*positive self talk
*breath exercises
*keeping a journal
*avoiding isolation
*putting on some music, maybe relaxing water sounds or 50s goldies -that really cheers me up
*taking a walk
*having a long, nice shower
*calling a friend to distract myself from my internal pain

Hopefully these ideas will be helpful for you. And remember, no matter how hard it looks, there's a better version of your life you deserve to have; and to reach it, you gotta pull out the better version of yourself. The power you need is hidden inside you. Keep up a positive attitude and see how much change there is, by just shifting your perspective.

[Standup2me]

I go to the health food store and buy some interesting food that
I've never had before

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

I go to the health food store and buy some interesting food that
I've never had before

When we go out for a meal ( not very often) I always try go order something I wouldn't normally eat...just to expand my tastes

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[littlemiss44]

Try to take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time..Inhale and hold for four seconds. Then exhale and hold for four seconds. Repeat this four times. It's called four square breathing. Try not to judge your emotions. They are all valid. It's hard to come off a med. Remember to try your hardest to eat balanced meals and eat that ice cream! If you have an anxiety med you have for prn don't be afraid to use it. Use the phone. I encourage you to see your therapist if you have one. I'm sorry your feeling so bad. Tell yourself that you are worth it. It's awesome that you are in school. You can get thru this even if you feel like you never will. My mom just died of cancer on Monday...I'm living one hour at a time. It hurts but I'll get thru it. Just give yourself a break ok? Tell yr self that you'll make it and you will. Take care. Hugs

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[Hbomb0903]

Im so sorry you are feeling so low. Stand with your legs shoulder width apart and your hands on your hips for two minutes. Do this often throughout the day. There are studies that show it raises your levels of testosterone which is found to be higher in effective people and lowers cortisol which is the stress hormone. Be kind to yourself. You are amazing.

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[wildflowerchild25]

Those are good suggestions everyone. Last night I fell dead asleep at 8:30 straight through until 8am which is not good I suppose but whatever. This morning I find out more bad news so I'm likely to stay on the rocks again but I will use some of the suggestions of breathing exercises and maybe taking a walk before the heat sets in. My cousin's graduation party is later today and though I know I won't feel like being there I will go just so I don't stay at home stewing in the depression. No one wants depressed wildflower stew. It can't be very tasty.

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

Im so sorry you are feeling so low. Stand with your legs shoulder width apart and your hands on your hips for two minutes. Do this often throughout the day. There are studies that show it raises your levels of testosterone which is found to be higher in effective people and lowers cortisol which is the stress hormone. Be kind to yourself. You are amazing.

Sent from my XT1028 using Tapatalk

Good suggestion Hbomb! You're right we do have to be kind to ourselves.

[wildflowerchild25]

I would like for just one day to wake up and not feel shackled to the bed because I am too anxious to face the world outside if it. The depression seems to be lifting and then slamming back down, with the added fun of rising anxiety over just about very damn thing. Some things I can deal with I'm just too anxious to. Some things I can't deal with because they aren't my issues. I never knew how much time i spent worrying about someone else until now.

This is the part where I decide to ditch meds again in hopes of triggering hypomania because it is so much Better than this ******** and according to my chart that is where I am supposed to be right now. So what the ****. But knowing how horribly wrong that could go keeps me from doing it. I'll be the faithful patient, I'll take these placebos on the off chanc that something, anything will change...I mean maybe the gentle lifting is a sign...

I force fed myself yesterday and I will do it again today. Can't just waste away I suppose.

[Victoria'smom]

How much longer until partial hospitalition starts for you?

[wildflowerchild25]

I started yesterday. Today my pdoc said I should consider inpatient again. AGAIN. There is nothing they can do for me there. I told her that. I'm not a danger to myself unless I'm in a mixed state and right now it's just pure depression with some intrusive images/thoughts thrown in. Another inpatient stay would bring me up to five in just over a year. Are you kidding? How unbelievably ridiculous is that. How humiliating. Besides the fact that my husband has made it clear that he will not be able to promise that he won't use if I'm in again.

I think at this point that my only feasible option is to take a chance with the injectable Invega. I am terrified to try it because I'm scared of possible side effects. I'm so sensitive to medication. But I really don't have anything else. It's scary here at the end of the road, especially when it led me down on these rocks.

Now I'm mixing metaphors. what kind of an English teacher am I?

I think I'm going to just do it. Just try the injectable. Even though it's only approved for schizophrenia and schizoaffective. What else can I do? I can't live in this fri hole and even if the switch flips tomorrow I can't live in outer space either.

**** me, right? Damn.

[wildflowerchild25]

That's it. I'm sitting here near tears because my three year old wants and needs a bath and I can hardly pull it together enough to give him one. I couldn't play with him all night. I kept saying mommy's sick. My mom did that to me my whole life. I just wanted her to be better. Throughout this whole thing I've tried so hard to play with him even at the lower of lows and today I couldn't. I'm done. If I can't even be a good mom anymore there's no reason to be here.

**** this I'm doing the injectable I've got nothing left to lose except my life if I don't. I can't do this anymore.

[Victoria'smom]

Your not a bad mom and your not like your mom, your getting help and your getting as much help as you can. It is unfair and wrong for you or your husband to have you be the one to hold his Soberioty. That's his and his drs responsibility. Your drs want you inpatient ask them why, they may think you're impulsive. Are you sh'ing?

[wildflowerchild25]

No I am not, mm, again bc hubby said he will relapse if I do. I know it may not be fair of him to use that against me but it is what it is. He is just being honest. We are both codependent with each other and trying to sort our **** out. At least something is keeping me safe right now.

I've been laying in bed since 8:45. It's now 1am. I haven't slept. I've been staring at the walls and planning my elaborate suicide.

I can feel the energy building so the switch may happen tomorrow but I can also feel the negativity so it may be dysphoric.

All the more reason to take the injectable. Who cares if it kills me when I'm about to do that myself.

[Victoria'smom]

You are getting as much help as you can in the situation that you're in. So what are your fears of the injectable?

Oh wildflower I hear ya. I'm having those kind of thoughts too. I'm telling myself these feelings WILL pass, they always do. When I'm that bad I cry and cry. Then I light candles and try a guided meditation. Although I'm not doing that now, lol. Pls remember it will pass and remember to breathe...