[ceramichornets]

So, I don't really know who else to talk about this with and I was wondering if it's a bipolar thing or if anyone else can relate.

Lately, I will get really paranoid that there's strangers in my house. I feel creeped out just typing that. I'm always checking my corners like my dad taught me, looking over my shoulder, examining mirrors. I don't even feel comfortable washing my face in the bathroom anymore because those moments when I can't see or hear very well make me vulnerable.

Those aren't particularly strong, though. The worst ones involve guest room and my room when I'm asleep. I naturally feel creeped out in whatever room my parents deem as the guest room when we move; it's usually where my mom keeps her dolls, of which I used to have a pretty severe phobia. This is different than that. I don't feel comfortable going in that room by myself anymore and at night I will avoid it at all costs (for the record, there's only two dolls in the room at the moment and they aren't too bad). When I have to turn on a light in it, I am 80% convinced that there will be some strange man waiting to attack me once I spot him. I feel the same way when I'm asleep in that my mind will convince me I have to wake up NOW so that I'm able to see this person before they get me. Not so that I can stop them, but so that I know when it's coming.

I would think it's a side effect of my meds, but I honestly haven't felt this way since I was little. I was in between the ages of 5 and 8, and we lived in a house that had amenities like a living room and a bathroom both in the upstairs area and the downstairs area (like two houses conjoined). I was reluctant to go downstairs by myself during the day, but at night I absolutely refused to go unless someone went with me, and even then I wasn't convinced I'd be safe. I used to have nightmares about strangers awaiting that one time I'd go downstairs by myself at night and the horrible things they would do to me.

I don't even have nightmares nowadays. I would almost prefer those rather than living like this, like I'm always in a dream that I know will turn into a nightmare any minute now.

I was also thinking that maybe it's just my PTSD acting up for some reason, but I know that's not it, either. Today I hung out with a friend and he often forgets that I have PTSD. So, for fun, he drove through a small but narrow dip in the road going over 45 mph. I wasn't afraid, freaked out, or worried in the slightest. I felt nothing. I guess you could say I was apathetic.

I'm sorry this ended up being so long. My therapist hasn't gotten back to me and my doctor is unreachable, save for our scheduled appointments. It's just really starting to interfere with my life. I keep waking up from fear at random times in the early hours. Today it was five. And because of it, I'm so lethargic and depressed that I can't get anything done.

What do you guys think? Could really go for some opinions/advice here.

[glok]

Hello, ceramichornets. Have you discussed your concerns with your treatment team?

[ceramichornets]

I don't have a treatment team. I haven't been able to afford to see my therapist in some time and I can't contact my doctor, just his offices in case I need to change an appointment date.

[Mrs. Mania]

I have had some similar weird fears at points in my life, my therapist thought it was ptsd flare ups. I once hid behind a strangers house for over an hour while walking home from work because I was sure a car was following me and circling the block looking for me. I also jump from the doorway to my bed frequently so whoever may be lurking under there won't get me?