Does anyone know where it is? I don't know if enabling is really even the right word. Here's the situation: BF sometimes does "Big Sleeps". Basically, cannot deal, will totally shut down, and sleep. Sometimes for days. Usually, it's 2 or 3.

Having BP, I certainly understand not being able to get up or to deal. So I have a certain level of tolerance for it. (But do NOT take care of his responsibilities in that time, so there is no "rescuing" involved.) But it is also very frustrating.

His deal is he has BPD (dx'd, but unaware) and can ruminate (and negatively misinterpret) like a pro. Or it could be a headache. There is no finding out over what or reasoning with this until he is good and ready. Till that point, at best, it's monosyllabic grunts. (He's otherwise a man of expansive vocabulary, btw.) To push is to regret. So I've learned to just let him be. He comes back around eventually.

I keep myself busy, catch up on things, so on one hand, whatever. On the other, sometimes it pisses me off. Either way, there comes a point where enough is enough already. But I've always been kind of conflicted about it, because I don't know where the line is between understanding and over-tolerance. Any helpful hints for distinguishing?

[Victoria'smom]

If more times then not you are the one holding up the relationship/responsibilities you need to step back and reassess. Does his pdoc and t know about his big sleeps?

We have a PMHNP. I have told her, though should bring it up again. He is, to say the least, a challenge for MH providers.

She does know most of what I'm up against, and various aspects come up pretty often. I've gotten pretty good with boundaries, and will toot my own horn (lol) at appointments about any that were particularly adeptly handled. She is proud of me for them, especially because she knows they were learned as a crash course in the midst of trial by fire. (I'd never been in such a close relationship with someone with BPD. And a strong personality. It took a number of months before figuring the BPD out. It was giant lightbulb.)

The main thing on these events is that I don't do any of his stuff while these are going on. The pile awaiting him will be the same or bigger when he gets back up. It was very hard to not intervene the first time or two, but I quickly realized it really pissed me off, which indicated to me that it was over the line. I will not reward it. If something goes to hell or gets missed, tough ****. Not my problem.

So, like in the above example, getting really po'd was my clue. But aside from the blatant…. that's where I get unsure.

I think the biggest waffle factor for me is being all too well acquainted with serious BP depression, it feels a bit hypocritical to be a hardas* over it.

[Victoria'smom]

Your not being a hard as* . your keeping yourself as healthy as possible when he's sick.

[waiting4]

I agree with Miguel'smom....you've seemed to set boundries that are very healthy for you, and actually for him as well, even tho it may not seem obviously so. I understand your concern about seeming to be hypocritical because of you BP but, try not to feel that way.

The fact is, you're handling your situation far better than many could or would.

Take care