[buffieann]

My son is 11 yrs old and has bpd. He was diagnosed at 7 with early onset. I was diagnosed with bpd 3 yrs ago. My son has been going to a private school that is equipped to handle his disorder. He sees a psychiatrist and a therapist but we've had to switch because of finances.
First problem he's taking most of his anger out on his younger sister. He's getting more and more physical with her. It's hard to explain but he doesn't do things like punch her but he does shove her and throw things toward her. He likes to scare her by taking a swing at her but stopping right before he gets to her face. He's done it with a baseball bat as well. He's constantly saying mean things to her if she doesn't do what he wants. They use to be best friends. She's not innocent she does do things to annoy him. We try to be fair she gets in trouble too but when she's the one crying because she ended up getting hurt it's hard not to blame him. He's big and strong especially when he's angry.
Now my second issue. This I definitely contributed to. He knows if he bugs me long enough I'll give in. But even if you get him something it's never enough. He always wants more. So I sat down with him and explained I'm not helping him by giving in all the time and it's got to stop. When I say no I mean it and I'm going to stick to it from now on. (I big feat for me because I've never been good at saying no to anyone) and when he gets punished by taking away his favorite electronic he's not going to get it back just because he says he's sorry 500 times. So yesterday I promised him I'd get him a pitch back net to practice pitching. They were $20 at Walmart and he really needed something to keep him busy and outside. Before we left I told him we were not getting anything else and I meant it. It's not something he begged me for but something my husband and I agreed would be beneficial for him. Of course when we got there they had none in stock so he decided I should buy him a video game instead. I said no. This set him off. He refused to leave the store I had my daughter and his 2 friends with me as well. It's not the first time he's refused to leave a store but If I just walk away he shows up behind me a few mins later. I paid for our things and brought the other kids to the car and waited for him. It took him half an hr to come out of the store I thought that was it he'd get in and we could leave. Not this time he refused to get in the car. It took every ounce of my control not to grab him and throw him in the car but I knew he'd just fight back get angrier and run. He started throwing big rocks in my direction and no matter what I said he wouldn't get in the car. Another half hr went by and finally he just gets in and starts laughing and joking with his friends like nothing had happened. That was the last straw I lost it and ripped into him for his behavior. He threatened to jump out of the car so I had to keep locking the door so he couldn't open it. Honestly I don't think he would have jumped but I wasn't chancing it. When I stopped to drop his friend off he jumped out and ran. Thank god for his friends sister she ran after him and talked to him and when they got back he apologized over and over again. Then he says "mom all you would have had to do is start crying and I would have gotten in the car". He hates seeing me cry.
I just don't know what to do. He'd never do that if his father was around but he was out of state. I ask him why he says I'm not afraid of you. Now don't get me wrong his father doesn't beat him or anything he's just always been really strict with him and he rarely goes back on what he says.
But I'm scared that as he gets older it's just going to get worse. When he's not angry he's a great kid. Very loving and considerate.
I'm at a loss. I just don't know what to do.
Any advice?


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[bipolar gemini]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.
My best advice, is first take a breathe..
now, the last part that you wrote really stuck out to me..."that he said, 'mom if you would've cried...'" shows me that your lil boy is really smart and he's got your number. But you're the mother and you know him better than he knows himself. step back, take a breath, and outwit him. probably will take a lot of time to learn, but inside you already know him.

[buffieann]

Bipolargemini you are so right. He's so smart and he's figured out my triggers and knows that I won't/can't let myself lose control. So he pushes me just far enough and then I give in or just walk away. He's not use to me standing my ground. But I know I have to. By giving in and walking away it isn't teaching him what he needs to survive in this world. He's a good kid with a big heart, he's a lot like me. My childhood was rough I had to develop ways to protect myself from the pain. It helped me to survive my childhood. But has not always helped me make the right decisions as an adult. For my kids' sake I need to overcome my insecurities and fear of being like my mom. I know that I can it's just hard to change years of ingrained behavior. Thanks for listening and taking the time to respond. It really has helped!

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[lilypup]

Ask his doctors. look it up online, or somehow else find a support group of others dealing with bipolar people. Also, just look into a general parenting support group.
You can great feedback and support there and you will find you are not alone.

[~Christina]

Does he have Borderline personality or Bipolar ? The way he can turn it on and off seems more like BPD not Bipolar ...

He really needs Therapy and medication maybe ? Most certainly Therapy to learn how to control his behavior .

Im sorry your in this situation It has to be awful for your family.

Welcome to PC

[buffieann]

Can't do face to face support groups. Went to a couple but couldn't go back. That's my own issues though. His therapists try to help but he won't open up to them. He listens and then does what he wants. It was a bad weekend and also the first time I really stood my ground. He wanted to see how far he could push me. He feels really bad. After a lot of thinking I realize its just going to take some time. I just have to be strong and make some changes within myself.

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[buffieann]

Honestly, Christina, I don't know anything about borderline personality disorder it's never been brought up. Bipolar runs in my family but he was diagnosed before me. He's been in therapy since he was 7 both in the school he goes to and his own outside of school. We've spent every dime we have on making sure he's gotten the help he's needed. He is on medication and it helps a lot. I know he can control his anger to a point when he tries. He chooses not to try with me and with his sister.

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[~Christina]

Im sorry that your going through all this it has to be heartbreaking and scarey ... Somehow your daughter needs be safe ... Your son is abusing his sister.. that cant continue or she will wind up needing therapy to cope with the abuse .

I feel really sorry that your in such a situation

[buffieann]

Sorry it's taken me awhile to respond. What you said hit home. I automatically wanted to defend my son when I read the word abuse. He's not an abuser but he does bully her. I was angry that yet someone else didn't understand. I was abused this wasn't abuse. But then I really thought about it and I realized that you do understand a bully does abuse you. Emotional abuse is so much worse than physical a bruise goes away but not the emotions. I know my son has a good heart he doesn't realize how his words effect his sister. How pushing her around to scare her effect her. He never really means to actually hurt her. That I do know, but that doesn't make it ok. And it has to stop. I'm grateful to you for reaching out to me. For your honesty and concern.

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[buffieann]

Christina, I thought I'd give you an update. 4 days without any fighting! I realized that I'm the one that needed to change. My inability to stand firm was hurting my kids. First thing I did was have a talk with my kids. I told them that having bipolar was hard on the entire family. Especially having 2 of us that have it. But we all had to stay strong as a family. There was a lot more that I said but one thing in particular that I had to stereos to my son was that he had to stop bullying his sister. I wasn't going to let it happen anymore. I also told my daughter that she knows her brother well enough that she can tell if he's in one of his moods so try to just walk away and avoid him. After the talk you could tell my son had really listened to me. And I made sure I stopped even the slightest argument or sign of aggression before it got out of hand. I thought about punishments before I gave them out so they weren't unrealistic. Previously I would be so mad and tell him he'd lost his computer for a month and then give it back the next day. I have stayed strong and been firm matching his stubbornness with mine. And it's worked. Not to say it's 100% but it's getting better. They're laughing and playing together more. My son still tries to push me but I'm staying firm. He's got a good heart and I know it will take time but we are on our way! Thank you everyone for you're advice and support!

[Tucson]

[~Christina]

This has made my day

Just knowing that your home life is settling down and your able to stand by your rules on behavior ! That is HUGE !!! Congrads ! Keep taking care of you so you can keep caring for them .

Thanks so much for the update I have been wondering how you were doing

[buffieann]

Christina, you mentioned borderline personality disorder in the comment above. I didn't know anything about it so I decided to look it up and take the test for it. I scored a 44 on the test and it said anything over 33 is severe. I know that I have bipolar I cycle and can feel the mania but is it possible to have both bipolar and borderline personality?

Borderline and bipolar are a fairly common co-morbidity and are often misdiagnosed as each other.

Abusive upbringings are also a fairly common occurrence in the history of people with borderline.

[buffieann]

Well that would make sense. I was molested at age 3, 5 & 7 different boyfriends of my moms and date raped when I was 15. My stepfather physically and emotionally abused me for years. But I still remained, up until a few yrs ago, a happy carefree person. Always smiling and doing for others. I've even been accused of being to happy. So I thought I had come to terms with the abuse. I'm starting to realize that's not the case. I had completely disassociated myself from the child me. I'm assuming to protect myself. Now I'm seeing that I disassociate myself from a lot of things. Thanks for responding!

[~Christina]

Im so sorry to read of the abuse you suffered through.. Horrible situations. Have you ever talked to a T about any of this?

My heart breaks for you