Is this Bipolar?

BubonicPlague · Aug 06, 2014, 03:05 PM

I don't know if it's different for the DSM, but on quizzes it always asks me the questions:

Do you cry without reason?

Do you feel high or elated for no reason?

Do you feel sad or depressed without reason?

The thing is I always answer the questions with a "no", because there is a reason those things happen to me.

So does that mean I don't have bipolar disorder?

My mood swings are affected by things I do throughout the day, OR, by daydreaming (which I think of a really bad situation, and I get really depressed about it. Or something nice and I feel relaxed or excited about it, having these fantasies of something happening to me or experiencing something I'd dream of doing). Day dreaming is what mainly causes me to feel depressed or express other emotions. It's not like I change unexpectedly, I just have certain triggers.

I feel like I was misdiagnosed, and it's hard explaining my feelings to doctors, that they have misunderstood what I've been trying to tell them.

I have these erotic feelings, Like, I'm horny a majority of the time, nearly every day, usually to the point where I look up porn once at night time. Even though I'm a virgin, I have that urge to want to have sex. This even comes in my day dreams. I've been like this ever since I was 15. Before that I was afraid of it all, now I want it to be a lifestyle.

I am very depressed for most of time, very cynical and pessimistic. Every time I try to pursue something I really want to do, it's always prevented from happening. I've now come to except the reality in life, that nothing good will ever happen to me and that I must live how life wants me to be. Life wants me to be ignored and unwanted. I consider myself useless, and being alive is pointless. Everyone else is different apart from me. They can live and fulfill a successful life, while I cannot. I am not pleasing enough to people, and whatever I do or say is considered stupid. Overall I am a stupid person. There is nothing good about me and everything that is perceived negative of me is the truth.

When I day dream, it's almost vivid and real. My eyes blur and my mind goes hazy. My attention is taken off of whatever I was doing. I can hear music in my head. I'm having conversations with people, in different worlds, living a different life, having a different personality. What I see myself in my head is not what I am in real life. Once I snap back into reality, I forget what I was intentionally doing. Whatever I've read, I can't remember. I end up in a different place, almost forgetting that I moved there.
I even can have flashbacks and recall the earliest of my memories. It's like I can go back in time and relive them again. Some flashbacks are bad, and I want to avoid them.

The things that make me happy are not what truly makes me happy. Often I feel anxious at these times. Usually I have to be aware and cautious of the reality of it all. If I get too excited, then I can become hurt later if there's an abrupt change in the moment. Therefor, I cannot let myself excited or else my hopes could be brought down.

I have OCD. Pure thought form OCD, unwanted thoughts. Gruesome and vile images come to mind. I cannot get them out of my head they taunt me, but my meds control them. If they are there, I have to either let them pass or use my skills from therapy to block them from raising my anxiety. In the past I have also had urges to do these bad things. I obsessed over these thoughts, thinking I would act out on them.

I go through these phases of passions and interests. When I was a little girl I was into Asian culture. I sought to learn the Japanese language and culture. Eventually I dropped the interest and became obsessed with 50s American history, dressing up and adapting to rock n' roll music. Then moving onto Russian culture. When I was struck with psychosis at age 15, I began to want to get into spirituality because I thought I was being attacked by demons (but I've had this curiosity for a long time). Now my main interest is world history and religion (I hoped this doesn't get taken down for this. It's only one word. No one else talk about it!). Ancient Sumerian and Babylonian mythology is now what I like. My current obsession is my love for angels (I want to hug one so bad.).