[openeyes]

So, down to business, I suppose. I posted this in the Intro forum too because I wasn't sure where it would be most helpful...

I actually decided to try this website because my best friend is bipolar and two things are happening:
1) I'm running out of ideas on "how to help" or what to say to him
2) I'm starting to get irritated with him about it.
I know that sounds like it makes me a horrible friend, but bear with me.

We've been best friends since we met in college several years ago, although it doesn't seem long, we pretty much know EVERYTHING about each other. It's embarrassing sometimes how personal the conversations can get.

Anyway, he ended up have a major depressive episode, dropped out of school for a year, went back finished and for the last year and a half has more or less been in another depressive episode.

Occasionally, he seems to hit a hypomania stage for a few weeks, especially when he revamped his religious beliefs (it was almost two months of him being happy!), but overall, he's very irritable, anxiety-ridden, has constant suicidal ideations and feels the entire world is a horrible, evil place that is conspiring to bring him nothing but pain and misery. Just today, he told me that he feels like evolution itself designed him to make him extinct.

He refuses to take medication, claiming it caused a suicide attempt at least once, followed by hospitalization. He refuses to see a psychiatrist again because he feels that they do nothing but judge him and aren't empathetic enough. He really refuses to leave his apartment at all unless its to run to the store at 3am when no people are around to stock up on food.

I know that on top of his bipolar disorder, he's had some very traumatic events happen in his life, including watching several people die very violent deaths and other occurrences. He really has no support from his family and only one other good friend.

So I do understand some of his perspectives and why his depressive episodes might occur so frequently for such extended periods of time, but he lives 700 miles away from me now so all I can do is try to talk to him everyday, but I don't have anyone to talk to it about afterward and I'm really just kind of winging it with no idea about what I'm doing.

Today, for instance, he was describing how to world was such a horrible place and wanted to know why I was just listening and not offering my opinion, so I told him that I've just experienced otherwise, gave him examples because he didn't believe me and when we got off the phone I was left feeling like I'd just made things worse for him.

I almost never take his moods personally, that much I do understand, but I can't help but also feel like he's setting himself up for these depressive episodes. For example, he constantly talks about how he's lonely and isolated, but he refuses to leave his apartment and he admits that he will deliberately act "crazy" to new people in his life to "test" them. I've tried to explain that's not a healthy way to interact, but he's convinced it's the only way someone worthy could stay his friend.

All I'm really asking is, HELP. I don't know how to help him...

Any advice would be WONDERFUL.

[Love&Toil]

I've been thinking about your post. You sound like a caring friend who wants to be there in the best way possible. You're saying you don't know how to help him: just wondering if you have ever asked your friend how you might best support him?

All you can do really is be there as best you can. All you can do is suggest resources or supports but he ultimately has to make the decision to accept them or not. If he doesn't want to see a psychiatrist, might he be open to counseling? You can encourage him to take care of himself by eating healthy, getting enough sleep, going out into the sunshine for a short walk around the block (or more).

Are you taking care of yourself throughout this process? You need to make sure you find things to fill your cup.

[Skitz13]

What a great friend you are but I hope it doesn't come at a price. Don't overwhelm yourself.

You sound very supportive but you can't MAKE him do something about his problem. He has to take responsibility for his illness and sometimes that means hitting bottom. It did for me anyway. It's sad but very true. We tend to get into these ruts where we become hopeless. Nothing is ever going to work. Why bother. You know what I mean? Maybe you can convince him to see a therapist but if he doesn't want to, well...there really isn't much you can do. Continue to encourage him and support him on a healthy level. Maybe you need to think about setting some clear boundaries with this, if only for you. It's so easy to get wrapped up into this.

Please take care of yourself. We tend to run people ragged. Be aware of what you need in your own life. The stress of him being so far away must be difficult but you are doing the best that you can.

[~Christina]

You sound like a wonderful friend. But you have to put up some boundaries for yourself .. As others said you cant make him get help. You need to stay healthy.

What is his living situation? Live on his own? If so he must have a job , right? Is he able to hold down employment?

A lot of Bipolar people are against seeking help due to receiving poor help in the past.

I really hope he reaches out and tries to help himself improve his health and well being .

Best wishes

[Rapunzel]

In addition to your self care and continuing to encourage him to get help, if you ever feel that he is a danger to himself or others, you can call the law enforcement agency in his area and request a welfare check. They will send someone to make sure that he is okay and if he isn't, they will make sure that he gets some help. This really sounds like a monumental task that you have taken on, and we can't emphasize enough how important it is that you have boundaries, take care of yourself, get support for yourself, and keep trying to get him to get treatment. Even if you were a trained mental health professional, you couldn't treat his disorder from 700 miles away. You can tell him that too, and other concerns you may have.

[Fuzzybear]

[Feelinwobbly]

Love@Toil makes a good point...What are you doing to fill your own cup ? And is he filling his cup from yours??
Even people with depression/bi polar need tough love. You cannot help anyone who isn't committed to their own success.