[darkgambit]

I don't know how to start other than to say how thankful I am to have found something like this forum...I look forward to having people to talk to who can understand...
I'm 23, female, living in one of the greatest cities on earth (San Diego) and have been tentatively diagnosed with bipolar. I had the diagnosis when I was 16 and was prescribed an anti-depressant. When I joined the military in 2010, I went off of my medication entirely for basic training (they wouldn't let me have it and I didn't want to claim "bi polar" or "depression" to the armed forces...). I didn't end up completing basic training because of my stress and depression. I dropped out and failed.
Now, several years later, I am under my own insurance policy and have been starting back up with my trips to the doctor. Mainly because I am having anxiety attacks that are seemingly unprovoked. Right as I am falling asleep at night, I am having heart palpitations and needing to breathe faster (almost panting I suppose) so the doctor put me back on the anti-depressant / anti-anxiety medication that I was on back in 2006.
Still having the anxiety attacks and my brief manic depressive episodes. No one truly knows about my highs and lows - I try to spend time away from others, even my own family, or, at the very least, lie about my emotions to my family and always appear happy or content.
At this moment, it's taken me so long to type this because I've come so close to deleting it. I want help but I don't know who to ask. I have several "acquaintances" and maybe just 3 or 4 people that I would actually consider friends...and I hardly ever see them. I don't want to talk to anyone I know about this...I feel like they would think I was overreacting or that I would make them uncomfortable. I don't make friends easy and don't want to lose the ones that I have...one is pregnant and engaged - living her own life, the other has severe health issues and is never interested in meeting up or doing much of anything - also has a boyfriend, and another...is a college mentor of mine (male) who lives out and state and understands me more than any other human being can understand another. He gets me and he means so much to me but the last thing I want is to tell him how I am feeling.
I have really high moments where I'm laughing, perfectly content with being alone and doing my own thing and just feel amazing (which I am patiently waiting to happen in the next couple of minutes...) and other moments where I am completely debilitated - crying, sobbing over the smallest things (right now it's that my mom and I were going to go out to run some errands and now, instead, she would rather stay at home with her grandson).
I work in the medical field (ironic...much) so I can't even let on about my medical concerns to people who I know can help me. I've reached out a little bit to one of the nurses I have come to love dearly but only about the anxiety attacks and she's been wonderful. But she does not know the extent of the situation by any means.
At this point...I just don't know what to do with my emotions. I'm in a dead end job, my degree that I worked so hard for is useless, my family and friends think I am the strongest and most defiant person to grace this earth and I'm here trapped inside myself wondering how much more my heart can take. Has anyone - anyone - been in this situation before? How did you get through it? Who should I talk to...? I am making an appointment with a therapist but it will be a couple of weeks out due to their schedule and my own. I'm scared to talk to someone I don't know and I'm terrified to have it on my medical record...I want to do great things but don't want these crap feelings to hold me back.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, darkgambit, and welcome to Psych Central! You are certainly free to talk to us and to continue to do so after you see a therapist. (I see a therapist and come here, too.) We do understand all the things that can happen with bipolar. You can get to know us!

I have Bipolar II and also Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Since you are new, I also suggest you join our two bipolar social groups. We also have a weekly chat time. Members can join groups and chats after they get five posts approved. Here are the links to the lists:http://forums.psychcentral.com/groups/ and http://forums.psychcentral.com/chat-announcements/.

Again, welcome!