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Hey everyone! My names Bec, i live in Victoria, Australia & im 27 years old.
I randomly came across this through adding this app for another forum & im definitely glad i did stumble across it!!!

I honestly dont know where to start so i'll start with what i know i guess!

Im not quite certain when the suffering first started but i can pinpoint certain triggers & things to when i was just a little girl...

- Around the 4-7 year age bracket i was quite emotional about certain things, im not sure if this sounds silly or weird but i understood around that age mark that my parents would someday die & never come back...this completely tore me apart & broke my heart, i couldnt even put it into words the pain i felt about this to even tell my own mother...i have this eye condition where my pupils are shaped like teardrops & used to get teased alot for it, this really got to me alot back then!

- There is also the question of sexual abuse at around this age, i have repressed this whole memory of what actually happenend but i would not go near any of the men in my family, including my own father for months!!

Teenage years is when things started to take a turn for the worst!

- 15 i was diagnosed with Insomnia, after a friend had got hit by a train & died ( i had something like a premonition about this happening & things happenend to me the actual moment she got hit...)

- 15 I started self harm which would continue until i was 25

-16 i got very addicted to painkillers & sleeping tablets because of the insomnia & to feel numb from all feelings & emotions, i was bottling everything up, my insomnia came to the point of me hallucinating daily, talking to things that werent actually present, blacking out from exhaustion & not sleeping for 4-5 days at a time

- 17 to 26yrs i was in emotionally, mentally & sexually abusive relationships which definitely did not help my health!!

-23 i think, I finally seeked help because everything was getting out of hand & i really was at the end of my tether with everything from bottling it all up! Started on lexapro & became very suicidal, was changed to Zoloft with the exact same feelings, dosage was upped with no improvements so i was referred to a psychiatrist where i was put on another sort antidepressant with bad results... at first i was told i was diagnosed as just mild depression & GAD, i somewhere along the line started developing psychosis, i would go into what i called trances where i had no control & blacked out & when i came out of the trance there was alot of damage to me & the house many times! I heard started hearing voices, i had 5 of them at one time for a very long, very angry & violent voices, felt like things were crawling all over me, i was zoning/spacing alot & rocking back & forth all the time with my mind racing a million times an hour, i was started on anti P's combined with Anti D's, the self harming started again & i was admitted into the psychiatric ward for almost 2 months on suicide watch, the psychosis & depression, many more diff meds later, i finally came back out feeling like my mind had been fried & like a zombie! I went back to work after a few months to see if there could be an improvement in me! I suggested to my 1st psychiatrist about Bipolar & she literally laughed in my face & said "You dont have Bipolar!!" I left because i felt like things were going nowhere, i felt like i really wasnt getting the help that i needed & nothing was working, i was ready to give up! I went to another 3-4 psychiatrists who i felt were not really doing much either to help my case, i gave up for over a year & tried to deal with it again by myself!

My mother got very sick last year, things changed completely, i forgot about looking after myself & focused all my love & my time on her as she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Melanoma, she passed 4 months later, my views, my thoughts, my feelings all changed, i felt numb, i felt like i turned cold about alot of things, months later i started changing again, going into alot of rages, very overemotional & feeling like i couldnt cope anymore, i felt this way for a very very long time...i finally saw another psychiatrist just last week, i have been now rediagnosed as Bipolar II & Cyclothymia with psychosis thrown in the mix as im still displaying the signs, ive been prescribed Lamotrigine & doing a mood diary to see where my wavelength is at with my moods, i just hope things will start to improve in the next few months!! Im trying to stay positive!! But the last few days i have been what i call "Spiralling" - My whole body goes numb, ive had very bad urges to kill my own cat, ive had a strong urge to self harm, ive felt like ive lost control, i felt like i was losing touch with reality, i was completely lost!!! Im still in that spiral a little but its eased off at the moment... I apologize for such a long, long post!!! Im here to learn, to be able to reach out when i need to & to help & support everyone i can, however i can!!!

[Trippin2.0]

I hope you'll like it here in our little corner of cyberspace.

[Tucson]

Hang in there!

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Thankyou! I just apologize again for the very long post!! Just thought its easier to explain & get everything out at the start, instead drips & drabs later! Im sure i'll find alot of comfort here! Just hope i can provide it enough to others aswell in the process! =)