[verysadsicko]

I ruined my life. All people call me is a spoiled brat or tell me to grow up when I attempt to reach out and tell about mental hospital, EVEN so called professionals. I'm struggling so hard to look normal, but now I've gone from schizophrenic to bipolar.. I do embarrassing stuff like run around the streets talking and laughing to myself. I look so stupid.
No one in my family pays any attention to me except my sister and grandma, but they have really busy lives. I have barely any friends.
I met some people, but they turned out to be weird pedophiles. I thought I could be a live in nanny for someone, but all that happened was the guy wanted to rape me and force me to have kids with him in some boondocks city. He was from my own group home.
I ran away from the group home, but I couldn't stand taking meds.. Now I have to find a shelter and I sleep on mats with weird drama starters, a bunch of annoying kids who won't leave me alone but I want to play with, and disease spreading around.
It's just one stupid matress.
I try to write online like roleplay, but no one cares. They just tell me to shut up and stop with the drama and guilt tripping.
I think I may have weird abilities with spirituality. I believe in aliens, demons, angels, and spirit guides, but no one cares.. They just think I'm making up stuff.
Then I was so dissorganized and stupid that I pulled my mom on the ground by her hair and she threatened to have me sent to jail, even though she's an alcoholic and has been doing the same thing to me since I was a toddler.
I can't take showers or eat because I am always crying and laughing. I hate life so much.
I try SO hard to just be a regular person not some **** smelling freak who screams in restraints, but I can't do anything right.
I'm so jealous of my cousin Steven. He is a weird autistic person like me, but he does so much better in life than I do. It's not like he has all these weird diagnosis like me.
I've wanted to kill myself since I was 11, but no one ever did anything about it until I was fifteen one day and my mom's dumb drunk friend gave me spice. That was when I was tied in the restraints for the first time and it still gives me PTSD.
I think I'm just going to become a stupid drunk like my father or prostitute. Please help. I hate myself so much.
I see people at my old group home and they all just laugh about stupid stuff all day and can barely comprehend their thoughts.. and all of them are all so different from me. There is one guy who dropped out of college because he thought it was stupid, but all along he just wanted to use me for sex. He was dating a 60 year old woman who looked like a starwars character.
Sorry, I know that sounds funny but it's true. lol
I just want to believe I have a guardian angel in Heaven protecting me and loving regardless of what I do.
I love weird people like random hobos I met on the streets or hang out on stupid games with sex crazed weirdos.

I used to be so good with writing and grammar but now I can't grasp any of it. I feel like the "stupid" mom I made fun of growing up as a kid.

I think demons change my e-mails and stuff so I can't reach out to anyone.
My therapist says mean things like would you like to see aa video of yourself.. what am I some retarded circus spectacle to be put on display?

I'm just trying to reach out and get some help again before I have to go back to the ****ing hospital or er.

[kaliope]

if you don't like this out of control life you are experiencing, it can all be changed by taking the right meds for you. it may take some time and experiementation to find the right mix. it takes patience. but once you do find the right mix, it will totally change your life.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by verysadsicko

I used to be so good with writing and grammar but now I can't grasp any of it. I feel like the "stupid" mom I made fun of growing up as a kid.

Actually, your post's most surprising aspect is the contradiction between the description of your disorganized life and the solid writing and grammar skills that are readily apparent. Your post is a tad disorganized but nothing unusual; nothing out of the ordinary and nothing unexpected given that this is your first call for help. You have clearly retained your grasp of grammar.

Since you say that you cannot grasp any of it but your writing points in the opposite direction, one wonders whether your calling yourself this or that, in negative terms, is also untrue.

??

It seems, from your post, that the most pressing issue now is dealing with psychosis. Say, you cannot write to people because you believe that demons change the content of your correspondence. So your psychosis is not "innocuous" - it interferes with a major functioning area.

A therapist cannot help with psychosis - you need a psychiatrist for it. Do you have one?

It is one thing to believe that you have a guardian angel, and another thing to believe that demons change your stuff and thus not communicate with anybody in a written form.

From what you have described, this looks much more like schizophrenia than like bipolar; I wonder why your dx has been changed. But whoever changed the dx (diagnosis) must be a psychiatrist, right? What medications were you given?

Clearly, you are not a spoiled brat.

Clearly, you need help and real help. People should not be telling you to grow up - those who do are ignorant.

The live-in nanny idea is unrealistic for the moment, but leading a more organized and purposeful life is possible if you get on the right medications and have a social worker (caseworker) to guide you.

I hope that you will get psychosis treated and start living a life you won't hate.