[LastQuestion]

Seasons change and I change with them. This year's transition has triggered a state of mind which I find unsettling. I'm still recovering from withdrawal, the amnesiac aspect of it slowly diminishing, and with this I begin to remember my life with greater clarity. In my remembrance I was more content last year. I had hopes, plans, goals to reach for, a life I was able to believe had potential, I could enjoy the company of others and even my own, but now there is emptiness.

I'm afraid of what I'll find when the rest of my mind is present - I'm still haunted by the terrible sense of loss I briefly experienced earlier this year, when whatever guards me from experiencing emotions fell to the acute insults my world was saturated with.

It all seems so distant, far from the present, separate from myself; it is as if I have rapidly aged, become incredibly weary, and the person I remember is someone else, someone who is dead. It's as if I've died. Dead inside, wanting to feel alive, but fearing that what comes with it is the incredible pain I found earlier.

I keep wondering if someone can help. The problem is so complicated, seemingly beyond my ability to solve on my own, and seeking help has thus far yielded more pain than benefit. Hope is, absent. It is nonexistent. I can say that there is cause to hope, there is the potential for improvements, even that there is reason to believe I can become someone, alive and well. Yet, there is no hoping for things, only doings, actions, outcomes, and uncertanties. On its own accord my mind equates hoping to self-harm. I am guarded from Hope...

I realized today that I no longer trust anyone. That without any conscious intent my responses to others reflect an expectation that trust will most likely lead to further trauma. In some matters I've been hurt so much that I don't fear being hurt more, but in others the potential antagonism is too debilitating to entertain.

I feel:
My life has no direction.
There is no one to turn to.
I am in a maze with no exit.

Believe, you are not "The Lone Ranger". My whole entire adult life has been this way. Now, since trying to tackle this head on, it seems amplified. If we could figure out a way to hook a pc usb cable to our brains, and dial in (Nascar slogan) our thoughts, feelings, dreams, goals, and etc. each day and wipe out the old trash, we could get rich.