[Darvula]

This is another thing I really struggle with. I always tend to have some negative fixation on something that makes me really stressed and anxious. At the minute it is one of my bosses - Let's call him X. My immediate boss has just resigned and while they are training up his replacement, it looks like X will be coming back to the office and taking over his job for a while. I used to have to work with X all day every day, and he is a very toxic person who everyone in the office hated. He made people physically ill, he is such a horrible person. His default emotion is rage and he spends his time cycling through rage explosions, then periods of calm, then another explosion and so on. Anyway, my mind is starting to obsess over him coming back and how stressful it will be. I'm doing my best to try and shut him out, but it's really hard.

Darvula

[pink&grey]

I just left a toxic job and totally understand this. It sounds like X will only be there temporarily? Maybe focusing on that fact will help you get through it.

[Darvula]

Yes, he will only be there temporarily (he had such a bad relationship with the others in the office that he vowed he would never set foot in it again as long as he lived) but even knowing that doesn't help. He stresses me so much that my reaction to seeing him is physical - I shake and want to throw up, then I get a crushing headache that lasts for days. This happened when I ran into him unexpectedly a few months back. It effected me for days and that was just from a chance meeting. I can't imagine having to spend whole days in the office with him again.

Darvula

[Crazy Hitch]

Urghhhhhhh that sucks.

Prepare yourself that you're going to be seeing him around and will probably have some form of interaction with you.

Think of some strategies you can use beforehand if you find yourself getting into an emotional state around him so that you know in advance what you are going to do.

Be well.

[Imah]

I find that compressing my emotions sometimes makes them much more uncontrollable when they surface - and they can spring out when they choose. Perhaps, each time you are done with an encounter with him, you can go in your office or the lavatory and do really fast 50 jumping jacks (releases pressure). Then you carry your annoyance less, and the exertion will create happy endorphins. Next time you are talking to him, you will think of the jumping jacks with pleasure and also - you will know there is a release to the flow of anger and feel less trapped. My 2 cents. Best of luck!

edit addition: I struggle with fixation too.

[BNLsMOM]

The good news is that you don't sound at all paranoid. I think you are having a normal reaction to a total jerk who scares you. I like the idea of physically dispelling the emotion with jumping jacks!

[Darvula]

Thanks for the suggestions, folks. The jumping jacks made me laugh out loud - not because I don't think it's a great idea (I think it's great), but because in my pathetic physical condition, they'd have to call me an ambulance afterwards! I don't think I could manage even one jj! But anyway, yes, I agree with your ideas that preparing myself mentally for meeting him is what I need to do. I had considered telling his boss (let's call him Y) that I don't think I could work with X again, but then I feel that would just make me look bad/weak as a manager. Y knows all about X and how much he is hated by the staff, but he doesn't know how to deal with him and has told me that. In fact, part of the reason that me and X now have such a terrible relationship is that Y ran away from his responsibility of dealing with all the chaos X created and left me to deal with it instead. I was left in the crazy situation of being told to police my own boss by his boss.

The main problem I can see is that my reaction to X is all instinctive and I don't feel confident that I'll be able to control myself if I have to work with him for several months day in day out. I know I will reach breaking point pretty quickly. I am actually considering taking 2 months unpaid leave. I couldn't afford that, I'd have to take out a loan, but I think it might be worth it compared to the effect working with him would have on my mental health. It makes me so angry that one person can mess up so many other people's lives.

Darvula

[lilypup]

It sounds like everyone will be stressed by this boss. At least you will not be alone. Why is it that the ***holes always rise to the top?

[Darvula]

He is a senior partner of the company. Owns a 20% share in it, so we can't get rid of him.

Darvula