[cashart10]

Hi guys...I haven't landed in the hospital yet . There are a few things I want to express...thank you for your constant listening ears. So, I mentioned here before that my husband said recently if I don't change he doesn't know that he can deal with this (my mental illness) forever. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown (literally) when he said this and since then. I want to do what I can to go back to the wife and mom I was before losing touch completely 3 years ago. I used to have the house that would gladly welcome unexpected visitors; I home schooled; I was "together" (now I think I was just an unmedicated lunatic with irrationally high standards). But, I have never recovered from my breakdown 3 years ago and I have been very, very unstable and not a good mother and an even worse (well, terrible) housekeeper. My mom came over last Tuesday and helped me get my house completely in order, all of my laundry done, everything, to try to reset my life I guess. Three days later she was at my house and was completely discouraging to me saying she didn't know why she tried under her breath and she told me "I'm 60 years old and I work full time, I can't keep doing this." I broke down in tears because I honestly thought I was doing better. She acknowledged that I was doing better but not to her standards, it seems. Anyway, my mom thinks that the reason I am who I am (even when I'm not depressed or manic) is because of my medication. She says it makes me too tired, even zombie like, to get anything done. I told my doc ALL of this yesterday and she says it has less to do with medication and more to do with my disease. She told me I may never be able to do what I did before and to give myself grace. She told me my family may not ever fully understand. I disagreed with her but didn't let her know. I never even actually considered it, I don't think. But, today, was very stressful. And my way of dealing with stress is to shut down completely--especially right now. I had images of my death by shooting flying through my head. I was angry and raging on the inside. Then, when I finally sat down, I became so full of anxiety that I was actually tempted to commit suicide. Whew...sorry this is so long. Does anyone else experience constant instability (even in between cycles) and inability to complete basic tasks? Is this different than who you "used to be"? What do you attribute it to? Have you overcome this or have you just had to accept new limitations?

[Wander]

sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I have been very unstable for years on end and have found therapy very helpful in stabilising me, at least to a point. I still have major episodes but have larger gaps in between where I am relatively normal (though still rapid cycling, just with more minor episodes). I was totally dysfunctional for years and therapy has helped me function better. Meds are also crucial for me but on their own they couldn't get me functioning better. Hang in there. I wish you all the best.

[CANDC]

Dear Cashart, sorry to hear you are in pain. It sounds like you have a complex situation. Do you have a therapist that can help you unwind the mesh of people, relationships and expectations in your life?
That you mention self injury as an option you considered you might ask your pdoc to examine all your medication and adjust as needed to tame the out of control nature that you experience.
Suspend trying to please everyone. Do what you can. Set a goal for today. I am going to sweep the kitchen floor and take out the trash. Little successes like this can build into bigger successes. Maybe others will impressed or not. Like an athlete that has been injured, take recovery in small steps. Work to your own ability and keep coming back to PC. If you need to private message a community Liason, please free to reach out. Liasons are here to help.

Hello cashart10: About 3 years ago my wife & I sold our single family home & bought a townhome. (I have not been employed for about 15 years now.) So while we were still in our single family home I kept the house spotless, I cooked, walked the dog, did home repair & remodeling projects, looked after our fairly extensive landscaping, shoveled snow in the winter, etc., etc., etc. We bought the townhome because we're getting older & felt we wouldn't be able to keep everything at the house up in years to come.

Living in the townhome is definitely less demanding. It's smaller. And all of the outside work is done for us. But, since we moved here, my ability to accomplish anything has disappeared. I don't cook, sometimes I help my wife clean. I do still do some laundry & ironing. And I take our dog for a walk daily. But I'm just always worn out & I have to force myself to do much of anything

I've been on the maximum recommended dose of Cymbalta for over 2 years now. Sometimes I wonder if the Cymbalta has robbed me of my energy or if it is my ongoing depression & anxiety. I don't know. After a while, it gets to the point where one cannot separate the one from the other. I guess I could taper off of the Cymbalta. But I have a history of suicide attempts, so going off med's potentially presents it's own problems.

So, I guess all I can really say is that I understand where you're at with regard to this. I have similar difficulties. I hope you are able to figure out what is best to do about yours.

[jelly-bean]

Oh Cashart I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Is the doctor you mentioned a family doctor or a therapist or counselor. If it is a family doctor you might want to try a therapist. There are many medications out there and also treatments that a therapist would be more aware of than a family doctor. All of us here have periods of instability. You are not alone in that. Mom doesn't mean to hurt you but she doesn't understand what you are feeling. It's that way for most of us until we can get others to accept that there is a problem and then to teach them about it. It is not your job to impress other people with your accomplishments honey. Your job is to get yourself well and stable and to do the things you need to do to make that happen. Start by setting one goal that you will do every day for a week. Next week add one more reasonable goal to the first one and so on. Maybe you don't realize it but you have not shut down completely or you would not be here. That's a very good thing because it's a step toward better health. PM me whenever you feel the need to talk and I will do what I can to help you sweetie. You are not alone in this.

[ChaoticSymphony]

About 4 years ago is when I found out I was mentally ill. I had a break down that lasted forever, 3 years almost. The craziness was only a year but I feel like I'm just sort of getting back to my old self. I've accepted I will not be where I was but I can make due with this new me. I think re-establishing who I am now has been most difficult. My biggest downfall to date is that I suffered from ptsd because of what led to the break down and from the actual break down.

Small bites and loooooooonnnnnnnngggggggg chews is what's working. Feeling accomplished in the little things and not feeling guilty asking for encouragement. As alone as I feel, and like to feel for the most part, I still need recognition I've learned. I don't do this but am sure it would help is jotting down the good things I've done today that I'm proud of. When I thinking about them, tho, I try to do it from a completely selfish, not-give-a-crap how little it looks like to others, kinda way.

I took a shower today, I shaved my legs. WOW GOOD JOB. I organized a good supper today wow awesome. You get my drift. The truth of the matter is I lost who I was however that doesn't leave me with nothing. It's sort of a blessing in disguise because now I get to create a new me at the same time having a rough draft to look back on to figure out what I can leave out this time around.

God bless and take care.

[Crazy Hitch]

Apologies in advance for my somewhat brief reply.

Families can get out of their tether in response to changes they see in us. Even sometimes when we're "in between" mood episodes.

I'm not exactly the house keeper kind of person and never have been really. I think that my husband has just let it go. He's the one usually running around putting things in order.

I don't expect my family to get it. Simply because they don't.

And I know that medication, for me, causes somewhat of a more sedentary lifestyle. It does, to a degree, zap my energy even when I'm stable.

[~Christina]

I snapped almost 5 years ago.. I didn't know if I would fully recover or not. My Husband even said one day " I want the old Christina back" Yep he went there, I shattered into a million pieces if that was even possible. I was already broken.

When I saw my T next ..I told him what happened .. I asked him point blank did he think I would recover.... He said he wasn't sure, yep Shattered into even smaller pieces.. like grains of sand . After a full box of his tissues I was able to pull into together and we discussed what I needed to do next .

I stopped thinking I had to go back to who I once was. People change, just over time,or after say an accident, Trauma or a loss of a loved one, Everything changes us, Your husband is being changed during all this too and not just because of your health issues.

I stopped caring if I got back to "old me whoever that was?" I focused on being the healthier version of me. Cutting myself a break for things I did or did not do in the past. I didn't just brush off my actions or lack there of I still own them.... but , I looked at them , analyzed it and put it to bed. No point dragging baggage you cant change around with you forever.

One day 7-8 months later .... I just realized I was back on track, Will I ever be back to that person ? Nope , Nor do I even want to.. I have been through hell and back , I learned A LOT! I am a new improved me. I learned ways to get things done faster and smarter.

I am a much wiser , kinder person now. I am calmer, feel more comfortable in my own skin , my views opinions and thoughts all blend well.

My advice don't try to go back to who you were "before"... Make small goals. Attainable goals, not massive things you can't reach that will only keep you wandering in a circle. Its time to move onto some small roads leading away from this circle, not interstate highways, just small roads that will indeed lead you to bigger and better.

This is the most important part... You and only you can take those first steps to want more for yourself so you can be there more for him and your children.

Are you ready to take that first step?

[Victoria'smom]

I really think that you should look into Intensive out patent/partial hospitalization. It's usually usually half day,5 days a week for 2+ months program and sometimes have daycare. That way everyone knows your trying your best. It may also help you stabilize more and teach you more. After a serious episode it's hard to come back. You said your unstable but you haven't say what makes you feel your unstable. Your mom maybe right that your meds aren't helping enough and IOP/PHP could work on the correcting your meds. You may be zombie like and not realize it. However depression also makes you tired. Anti psychotics are usually used to control irritability.

I know it's horrible for the environment but have you thought of plastic utensils, cups and paper plates. Is there a life coach, occupational therapist or housekeeper that you can work with once a wk to get thinks under control and teach you cheats on how to clean up. If your children are five or older they can do there own laundry (they can sort dark, light, and white; then put in the clothing and laundry pack ; and move from washer to dryer). So all you would have to do is help fold and do your cloths. My son always had a huge tote that as soon as someone knocked everything of his was thrown into the tub and the lid thrown on while he saw who it was. I feel your Pdoc is wrong; we just need to be more creative and delegate

Then, when I finally sat down, I became so full of anxiety that I was actually tempted to commit suicide. Did you tell pdoc this? It's always a sign things going bad when I can “see” my violent thoughts.

I can relate. I used to do so much more, I dont know how much less I am able to do now, is to do with age or bipolar meds. I have periods of "stablility" eating well, exercising, sleeping right, meditating, showering, working, cleaning, but then I fall out of them and just sit. Doing the dishes seems like an impossible task and I get so easily overwhelmed. My doc is hinting there are triggers for this but I find it hard to identify anything besides planning too much one day and becoming overwhelmed. It is mega frustrating. I am just getting out of a two day "sitting" episode, but I am out of one of my meds so until I have the money to get them I will be sitting a whole lot more.

My doc is totally focusing on not beating myself up over not being able to accomplish simple tasks some days and says to be kind to myself, that I am allowed days off, and who cares about the dishes. I tell her I dont agree and feel guilt for not doing enough. Then the guilt brings on depression and I have to fight that much harder to have a better day.

I guess this is part of acceptance of our disorder? We wont be like we used to be, and we just have to accept that somehow. See the small achievements in our lives, like ticking chores off a list.

Goodluck, its definitely worth talking this out with someone.

Oh and last time I had a full blown episode, my boyfriend left me. He came back but I now know he wont cope if I get that bad again, so that makes me all the more stressed about staying well enough.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Dear Cashart, sorry to hear you are in pain. It sounds like you have a complex situation. Do you have a therapist that can help you unwind the mesh of people, relationships and expectations in your life?
That you mention self injury as an option you considered you might ask your pdoc to examine all your medication and adjust as needed to tame the out of control nature that you experience.
Suspend trying to please everyone. Do what you can. Set a goal for today. I am going to sweep the kitchen floor and take out the trash. Little successes like this can build into bigger successes. Maybe others will impressed or not. Like an athlete that has been injured, take recovery in small steps. Work to your own ability and keep coming back to PC. If you need to private message a community Liason, please free to reach out. Liasons are here to help.

Thank you! I was seeing a therapist but my insurance doesn't cover it and we can no longer afford to pay for it. I try so hard but I simply don't have stamina. My illness has transformed me in so many negative ways.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

Oh Cashart I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Is the doctor you mentioned a family doctor or a therapist or counselor. If it is a family doctor you might want to try a therapist. There are many medications out there and also treatments that a therapist would be more aware of than a family doctor. All of us here have periods of instability. You are not alone in that. Mom doesn't mean to hurt you but she doesn't understand what you are feeling. It's that way for most of us until we can get others to accept that there is a problem and then to teach them about it. It is not your job to impress other people with your accomplishments honey. Your job is to get yourself well and stable and to do the things you need to do to make that happen. Start by setting one goal that you will do every day for a week. Next week add one more reasonable goal to the first one and so on. Maybe you don't realize it but you have not shut down completely or you would not be here. That's a very good thing because it's a step toward better health. PM me whenever you feel the need to talk and I will do what I can to help you sweetie. You are not alone in this.

My doctor is my psychiatrist. I should have been more specific. Thank you for your suggestions and your support.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I snapped almost 5 years ago.. I didn't know if I would fully recover or not. My Husband even said one day " I want the old Christina back" Yep he went there, I shattered into a million pieces if that was even possible. I was already broken.

When I saw my T next ..I told him what happened .. I asked him point blank did he think I would recover.... He said he wasn't sure, yep Shattered into even smaller pieces.. like grains of sand . After a full box of his tissues I was able to pull into together and we discussed what I needed to do next .

I stopped thinking I had to go back to who I once was. People change, just over time,or after say an accident, Trauma or a loss of a loved one, Everything changes us, Your husband is being changed during all this too and not just because of your health issues.

I stopped caring if I got back to "old me whoever that was?" I focused on being the healthier version of me. Cutting myself a break for things I did or did not do in the past. I didn't just brush off my actions or lack there of I still own them.... but , I looked at them , analyzed it and put it to bed. No point dragging baggage you cant change around with you forever.

One day 7-8 months later .... I just realized I was back on track, Will I ever be back to that person ? Nope , Nor do I even want to.. I have been through hell and back , I learned A LOT! I am a new improved me. I learned ways to get things done faster and smarter.

I am a much wiser , kinder person now. I am calmer, feel more comfortable in my own skin , my views opinions and thoughts all blend well.

My advice don't try to go back to who you were "before"... Make small goals. Attainable goals, not massive things you can't reach that will only keep you wandering in a circle. Its time to move onto some small roads leading away from this circle, not interstate highways, just small roads that will indeed lead you to bigger and better.

This is the most important part... You and only you can take those first steps to want more for yourself so you can be there more for him and your children.

Are you ready to take that first step?

Thank you Christina; this helps a lot and makes me feel less hopeless. I think I am ready to take that first step and I make it and then I crumble again and again and again. It seems my cycles are out of control, ugly, and more frequent. And, when I am not manic, I am depressed with only brief periods in between. I lost touch completely once before, when I was 15. That is when I was diagnosed. I fully recovered (to the point I didn't believe I was bipolar) after 5 years until just 3 years ago. For eight years I had stability (or at least I believed and so did everyone around me). In my head the problem is, the magnitude of this break is so much larger than the one before and my symptoms are so much worse. It is incomprehensible. I think if I just pray more...

[cashart10]

Thank you all for your thoughtful suggestions. I love how much you try to help and I appreciate you listening. I will see about getting back into therapy. Maybe I can find someone who is less expensive that I can still connect with.

Miguel's Mom, I would do a partial hospitalization but when I did one in the past, it was nearly impossible to find childcare for my two youngest kiddos. I think my husband would be more frustrated with that than with my seeking deeper treatment.

[Blitter2014]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you all for your thoughtful suggestions. I love how much you try to help and I appreciate you listening. I will see about getting back into therapy. Maybe I can find someone who is less expensive that I can still connect with.

I think my husband would be more frustrated with that than with my seeking deeper treatment.

Hugs Cashart, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and know firsthand what it feels like to seemingly be disappointing everyone while doing your best to make those around you happy.

Unfortunately for me? I typed a big long response and cannot believe I lost it when I posted, the internet Gods are not being kind to me today .

I just wanted to say you can feel really really proud of yourself. From your post one can tell that you are and have been really trying to be everything to everyone for over three years now. That is a marathon effort in anyone's books! Well done

Best piece of advice I could give, having been through a mental breakdown and facing a wife that told me our marriage couldn't last the distance due to my mental health is - keep the lines of communication open. Daily tell your husband how much you love him, how much you want him in your life, how much you appreciate his support, and of your desire and plans for the future to be better. Reassure your children by telling them how you are proud of them, that you love them, that you are going to get better.

Then give yourself a break. Baby steps. You are not going to be who you were, you have become more than that. You are a better stronger person. A person who will continue to grow and heal. Live for each day. Do what you can. Be proud of each accomplishment no matter how small. Reward yourself often.

More than anything else - try to love yourself.

I wish you continued success on your journey

[BipolaRNurse]

I know what it is to wonder if I'll ever be the same person I used to be. I wanted to go back SO badly and be the nurse and breadwinner I'd once been. And I wanted to be the 'me' I knew best.

It wasn't until I landed in a psych unit three weeks ago that I finally came to understand that I will NEVER be that person again---not just because of the illness and its assorted issues---but also because I have grown and learned from it. Part of my therapy included writing a forgiveness letter to myself, and believe it or not, that has helped me put some distance between my present reality and a past that I cannot change.

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there.....it really does get better if you give it a chance.

[lacerta]

I can relate to this. I feel loss of function in myself. I have been very capable of multitasking and close to perfection. I'm quite limited now. My home is far from perfect. It's very difficult to concentrate at work. There are days when I can probably work properly for 1-2 hours, then I just spend the rest of time there, imitating work, chatting with colleagues etc. I get very tired and irritated when I have some additional health problems like catching cold, having cough etc. Usually I would go with that. Now I feel that I must stay home, rest properly etc. I need to use all my coping techniques daily so I don't shrink in any of the episodes. Take care of diet, do sports, sleep properly, sleep hygiene, etc. I'm really tired of that but there's no other way to function.

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Hi guys...I haven't landed in the hospital yet . There are a few things I want to express...thank you for your constant listening ears. So, I mentioned here before that my husband said recently if I don't change he doesn't know that he can deal with this (my mental illness) forever. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown (literally) when he said this and since then. I want to do what I can to go back to the wife and mom I was before losing touch completely 3 years ago. I used to have the house that would gladly welcome unexpected visitors; I home schooled; I was "together" (now I think I was just an unmedicated lunatic with irrationally high standards). But, I have never recovered from my breakdown 3 years ago and I have been very, very unstable and not a good mother and an even worse (well, terrible) housekeeper. My mom came over last Tuesday and helped me get my house completely in order, all of my laundry done, everything, to try to reset my life I guess. Three days later she was at my house and was completely discouraging to me saying she didn't know why she tried under her breath and she told me "I'm 60 years old and I work full time, I can't keep doing this." I broke down in tears because I honestly thought I was doing better. She acknowledged that I was doing better but not to her standards, it seems. Anyway, my mom thinks that the reason I am who I am (even when I'm not depressed or manic) is because of my medication. She says it makes me too tired, even zombie like, to get anything done. I told my doc ALL of this yesterday and she says it has less to do with medication and more to do with my disease. She told me I may never be able to do what I did before and to give myself grace. She told me my family may not ever fully understand. I disagreed with her but didn't let her know. I never even actually considered it, I don't think. But, today, was very stressful. And my way of dealing with stress is to shut down completely--especially right now. I had images of my death by shooting flying through my head. I was angry and raging on the inside. Then, when I finally sat down, I became so full of anxiety that I was actually tempted to commit suicide. Whew...sorry this is so long. Does anyone else experience constant instability (even in between cycles) and inability to complete basic tasks? Is this different than who you "used to be"? What do you attribute it to? Have you overcome this or have you just had to accept new limitations?

Hi Cashart. I'm really sorry to hear that you feel so bad. I don't know the background to your situation, like how old you are, how long you've had the diagnosis or severe symptoms, or how old your kids are. What I can say is that I think one of the major stressors for anyone with BP is family relationships or just relationships in general. For this reason, I have made a real effort to have fewer people around me, and to make sure those few people are ones who do not trigger episodes in me and make my illness flare up. Unfortunately, this is very hard to do with family, and it sounds from your post that it is the relationships you have with your family that are the main causes of anxiety for you. I think this is very true in my family as well. My mum is my main trigger outside work. My father and I are my mum's main triggers (she has schizophrenia/BP). When I was a kid, my mum was exactly how you are now. She was super-stressed all the time and felt a failure as a mother, wife and daughter. I didn't have kids because I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with them.

I think first of all it is vital for you to stop pressuring yourself to be "better" than you are, either by wanting to go back to your previous life before your breakdown, or your mother's idea of who you should be. Neither of those are things you ought to be chasing. Instead, you need to be more realistic about who you need to be in order to be able to function. This will mean being kinder to yourself and also being less concerned about what other people think of you. I think your doc is right when she says you may not be able to go back to how you were before, not beat yourself up about it, and not expect your family to understand. It's hard at first, but believe me, you'll start to get used to it. I felt like you around the time of my first 2 nervous breakdowns aged 18-21. I was a complete train wreck. But you can certainly survive that and you will find that the older you get, the more you understand your own limitations and the ins and outs of BP, and you will be surprised by how you will automatically learn to adjust. It does get better, believe me. Nowadays, when people get to me, I don't lose it. I do what you do: I shut down completely, think **** you everyone, and they have to wait for me to come back to the world of the living. I honestly think that if you make an effort to stop worrying what your relatives think and concentrate more on what you need them to do to make you feel less stressed it'll be a good first step.

Anyway, sorry this is such a dense block of text. Hope it helps somehow. All the best,

Darvula

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by Supanova

I can relate. I used to do so much more, I dont know how much less I am able to do now, is to do with age or bipolar meds. I have periods of "stablility" eating well, exercising, sleeping right, meditating, showering, working, cleaning, but then I fall out of them and just sit. Doing the dishes seems like an impossible task and I get so easily overwhelmed. My doc is hinting there are triggers for this but I find it hard to identify anything besides planning too much one day and becoming overwhelmed. It is mega frustrating. I am just getting out of a two day "sitting" episode, but I am out of one of my meds so until I have the money to get them I will be sitting a whole lot more.

My doc is totally focusing on not beating myself up over not being able to accomplish simple tasks some days and says to be kind to myself, that I am allowed days off, and who cares about the dishes. I tell her I dont agree and feel guilt for not doing enough. Then the guilt brings on depression and I have to fight that much harder to have a better day.

I guess this is part of acceptance of our disorder? We wont be like we used to be, and we just have to accept that somehow. See the small achievements in our lives, like ticking chores off a list.

Goodluck, its definitely worth talking this out with someone.

Supanova, your life sounds like a carbon copy of mine - the only difference is my attitude. I don't feel guilty. Not in the slightest. I just think "F*** it" I am going to sit around for however long it takes and watch Youtube and f*** cleaning the house, and anyone who doesn't like it can go and take a running jump". I don't feel any guilt. Nor should you. If you had a physical ailment like two broken arms, no one would expect you to do the cleaning. If you had a broken leg, no one would expect you to run around the supermarket. Why should mental illness be any different? Why feel guilty about being ill? Listen to your doc - give yourself a break. Hope you feel a bit better soon.

Darvula

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Darvula

Hi Cashart. I'm really sorry to hear that you feel so bad. I don't know the background to your situation, like how old you are, how long you've had the diagnosis or severe symptoms, or how old your kids are. What I can say is that I think one of the major stressors for anyone with BP is family relationships or just relationships in general. For this reason, I have made a real effort to have fewer people around me, and to make sure those few people are ones who do not trigger episodes in me and make my illness flare up. Unfortunately, this is very hard to do with family, and it sounds from your post that it is the relationships you have with your family that are the main causes of anxiety for you. I think this is very true in my family as well. My mum is my main trigger outside work. My father and I are my mum's main triggers (she has schizophrenia/BP). When I was a kid, my mum was exactly how you are now. She was super-stressed all the time and felt a failure as a mother, wife and daughter. I didn't have kids because I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with them.

I think first of all it is vital for you to stop pressuring yourself to be "better" than you are, either by wanting to go back to your previous life before your breakdown, or your mother's idea of who you should be. Neither of those are things you ought to be chasing. Instead, you need to be more realistic about who you need to be in order to be able to function. This will mean being kinder to yourself and also being less concerned about what other people think of you. I think your doc is right when she says you may not be able to go back to how you were before, not beat yourself up about it, and not expect your family to understand. It's hard at first, but believe me, you'll start to get used to it. I felt like you around the time of my first 2 nervous breakdowns aged 18-21. I was a complete train wreck. But you can certainly survive that and you will find that the older you get, the more you understand your own limitations and the ins and outs of BP, and you will be surprised by how you will automatically learn to adjust. It does get better, believe me. Nowadays, when people get to me, I don't lose it. I do what you do: I shut down completely, think **** you everyone, and they have to wait for me to come back to the world of the living. I honestly think that if you make an effort to stop worrying what your relatives think and concentrate more on what you need them to do to make you feel less stressed it'll be a good first step.

Anyway, sorry this is such a dense block of text. Hope it helps somehow. All the best,

Darvula

Hi Darvula,

Thank you so much for your response and for sharing your story. I had my first breakdown at 14 when I was diagnosed with major depression. A year later, I had a psychotic break and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was all over the place during my teens and I have no idea how they were able to distinguish the diagnosis. I struggled severely for about 5 years until I got better. I got so much better that I did not believe I had Bipolar Disorder and stopped taking medication. I married and had two children. I was 28 when I had my next psychotic break (I am 31 now) but I had no idea and it took my family a while to distinguish that I was insane and not just focused more on my faith and in love with Jesus (my family and I are Christians). I did some very bizarre things. I was still able to function for much of the year and a half that I was a psychological mess. I was just charismatic: reading the Bible numerous times a day, praying most of the day, super focused on Jesus. Then I started doing bizarre things because the Holy Spirit told me to do them. It became scary. It became scarier still when I started believing that demons had taken over my mind and were trying to get me to kill myself. For the most part, the delusions and hallucinations have not occurred since but I have not recovered. 2 Two months after we decided to go back to a psychiatrist, I became pregnant with our 3rd child. The depressions and manias I experienced during my pregnancy and through now have been detrimental to my family, especially, I'm sure to my children. They are 7, 4, and 1 years old. I still struggle sometimes with whether or not I am Bipolar or chosen. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I was compelled to my knees. I started praying, not my words but the words the Lord gave me, and ended up weeping. I believe that God was holding me in his arms. And then I took a very long shower and just praised and worshiped him and I was euphoric the whole time. I knew if I stopped taking my meds last night I would wake up back to myself, back to the perfect version of myself or if I took them I would wake up a groggy mess. I told my husband about it and he thinks it was insane; he said I should call my doctor but I know it was simply a spiritual, indescribable spiritual high and my doctor will just believe as he (and my mom) believed. He insisted I take my meds and I did but I hate them. I don't understand why last night happened when it did but it was a welcomed break from all of the paranoia, anxiety, and rage I have been feeling. I don't understand anything..

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you! I was seeing a therapist but my insurance doesn't cover it and we can no longer afford to pay for it. I try so hard but I simply don't have stamina. My illness has transformed me in so many negative ways.

Sorry to hear money is tight. What about the state programs or even Obamacare?

Keep in touch with PC.

[Darvula]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Hi Darvula,

Thank you so much for your response and for sharing your story. I had my first breakdown at 14 when I was diagnosed with major depression. A year later, I had a psychotic break and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was all over the place during my teens and I have no idea how they were able to distinguish the diagnosis. I struggled severely for about 5 years until I got better. I got so much better that I did not believe I had Bipolar Disorder and stopped taking medication. I married and had two children. I was 28 when I had my next psychotic break (I am 31 now) but I had no idea and it took my family a while to distinguish that I was insane and not just focused more on my faith and in love with Jesus (my family and I are Christians). I did some very bizarre things. I was still able to function for much of the year and a half that I was a psychological mess. I was just charismatic: reading the Bible numerous times a day, praying most of the day, super focused on Jesus. Then I started doing bizarre things because the Holy Spirit told me to do them. It became scary. It became scarier still when I started believing that demons had taken over my mind and were trying to get me to kill myself. For the most part, the delusions and hallucinations have not occurred since but I have not recovered. 2 Two months after we decided to go back to a psychiatrist, I became pregnant with our 3rd child. The depressions and manias I experienced during my pregnancy and through now have been detrimental to my family, especially, I'm sure to my children. They are 7, 4, and 1 years old. I still struggle sometimes with whether or not I am Bipolar or chosen. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I was compelled to my knees. I started praying, not my words but the words the Lord gave me, and ended up weeping. I believe that God was holding me in his arms. And then I took a very long shower and just praised and worshiped him and I was euphoric the whole time. I knew if I stopped taking my meds last night I would wake up back to myself, back to the perfect version of myself or if I took them I would wake up a groggy mess. I told my husband about it and he thinks it was insane; he said I should call my doctor but I know it was simply a spiritual, indescribable spiritual high and my doctor will just believe as he (and my mom) believed. He insisted I take my meds and I did but I hate them. I don't understand why last night happened when it did but it was a welcomed break from all of the paranoia, anxiety, and rage I have been feeling. I don't understand anything..

Hello Cashart.
I am glad to hear that you are in an uplifted frame of mind. Your mood swing, your euphoria, is extreme, but as long as it stays positive and doesn't get "strange" it could, as you say, be a welcome break from the horrible anxiety and stress you have been feeling. It may well be your brain's survival instinct kicking in, making you feel euphoric to give your shattered nerves time to rest and recuperate. I went to a Christian school and had episodes of religious mania in my teens. I can still remember them - they were the most intense experiences I have ever had. I stopped believing in god when I was about 15, but in some ways I wish I could experience those manic religious highs again. They were better than any drug I have ever tried. Better than sex. Incredible. I used to look at windows and I could see them GLOW with the shapes of angles and my heart was full of pure love. It burned through me. Man, those were some seriously intense experiences.

Anyway, I hope you continue to feel up. You must be worried for your kids. I hope things go okay for you and them. And with your other relatives.

Darvula