[BNLsMOM]

I am tired and feel like I need st sleep after bringing the kids to school. I set goals for each day when I go to bed and then I don't do them. I completely blow them off. I have my parents voices in my head saying things like "don't sleep, that's giving up." I feel like I have to lie when they ask me if I slept that day.

I just quit my job last week and I feel like I should be doing more around the house. I am starting to hate myself. I don't want to set goals because I know I just won't do them and that gives me fuel for hating myself. Then my house gets messier and it becomes overwhelming and then my parents see it and talk about me behind my back. I know they do it because they criticize everyone behind their backs, why not me? If it isn't criticism, it is pity. That may be worse.

I don't want to hear, "just do one thing." It makes it worse because I promise myself I will do one thing and then don't do it and then I hate myself. I see the positive things around me, but I just don't care.

Some days I feel great and I just live like a normal person. Other days I feel like crap. I am keeping a mood journal now for my T.

I hate when my mother expresses her "hope" for my recovery. It feels desperate and empty and like I am and will be a disappointment until I am better. When I get better, I hate her optimism that I will stay better because I feel like she will be so burdened when I am not well again. She sighs when we are on the phone and expresses so much disparate concern. It feels so uncomfortable. I told her that I don't like talking about it because it makes me feel like a sick person.

They go away for the winter in a month and I hope the distance will be good for me.
I have to "be sick in secret" because I have two ex husbands who will open custody cases if they think i can't take care of the kids. That makes it hard because i can't just "sweat out" the fever. I have to pretend I am OK and that makes it worse.

[ozzy1313]

Sounds like an awful situation. I recently came out of a depression and during that time I felt so guilty for letting the house go, etc. My parents don't make me feel bad- but my mom started saying things like "you have to just push yourself" and I couldn't. Doesn't she think I would if I could?

The custody thing must be hard. I played well for a long time until a week or so ago when I just completely fell apart. It finally felt good to give in and surrender. I am so sorry you are not able to be open with how you are feeling. Keep posting here all that you want to express but can't in real life. We will listen.

[Erue]

We say not to beat ourselves up over our failings, and then beat ourselves over beating ourselves up! I have read so many perky authors such as Brian Tracey saying to focus on the positive and make a game of turning everything positive. I get lonely at times and text my brother or father, and chide myself to say positive things, to be pleasant. However, then some paranioa or fear or dread overcomes me and it is all i can think about. I forget about trying to be positive. I want to talk about the negative and offer it to others so they can help me talk myself out of it.

I hear that positive self talk can be a habit, that happiness a sort of habit, that you must persist in being positive. Yet when depressed, and, as you say, writing out these glorious to do lists that never materialize, how can I not blame myself? When my children beg me to play with them, but I am feeling not at all playful, or I resent my spouse for focusing on her work, or can't seem to write the articles due for my job, do I simply accept it, that I am failing my family?

[Justugh]

nice mother lady

when u drop the kids off at school (i am going on they are out of half day routines )
.......drive yourself to the hospital and see a doctor about getting something to stabilize your mood .........it is not a illness it is life some ppl need to wear glasses some ppl need to have leg braces some ppl need to take a pill to lvl out the chemical in the brain

it is only a illness if u want to see it as one......from the sounds of it that idea pisses u off and one of the triggers for u .......but not doing anything about it is a horrible choice.....u got to balance the system out otherwise the swings are well horrible results .........the fact u feel this way and looking for a out or a release with out going to deep down the rabbit hole is a good sign

go to your local hospital er and tell the check in nurce having mental criss.......they will check u in make u change in to hospital stuff .....watch u for a hour or 2 see what u do the doctor comes in u guys talk .........u are not wanting to hurt yourself or others .......tell the doctor u need a months supply of something to help u until u see a quack (pdoc head shrink talk doctor ) what ever u want to call them and they start u on a routine ..........the whole thing will be 4 to 6 hours .....doctor will write the script u get dressed get it filled and home before the kiddies ...........your area might have a local help place for mental health ....u can go there and gt names and numbers of places to set up a appointment with while kids are in school .....the pills the ER gave u will help

now here is the best part .........u are seeking the help and treatment this is a good thing in the courts eyes because u made the choice they will not be able to use it against u (if u were forced into it then yah little boned but u were not so golden)

if u do not like that u always have the choice of slow burn anger .........get pissed and do something to change it (just becareful not to go for overkill in manic states ) other wise it works for depression for me

[prepsychmel]

I can relate to you. My house is a disaster and my mom comes over on Sundays to see how everything is. Basically, to see if I'm cleaning and keeping up with everything. So, that's when I do a major clean is right before she comes over.