[Moe_Childs]

I feel like I’m going ****ing crazy. It’s cool it happens every few months. I’m cycling….
As much as I hate to admit it. I’m too smart for my own health. But not smart enough to stop the cycling. The one thing in my life I feel I can’t control can make or break me.
It makes me who I am at the same time it keeps me from being everything I could be.
Oxymoron’s.

I talk to myself. I try to calm my mind. My soul is fighting with me. It helps when you listen to it (your soul/spirit/energy). It knows so much. And it cares so deeply. It is brutally honest but always reminds me to be at peace with Truth. Truth is the only constant. It doesn’t give a **** about your feelings or thoughts. Truth is a go hard motha****a.
Knowing Truth and knowing how to calm the mind is helpful but it’s not everything. I doesn’t stop the fear. It doesn’t stop the cycling. It doesn’t stop debilitating fear of cycling.
I have a deep discernment for cycling. Everything that has to do with a cycle in my life is some ********. My monthly I can barely leave my bed side. The cycle of drugs, sex and violence in the lives of my parents and myself at one point. Thank God that cycle is broken. Bicycles (don’t laugh). I’ve never done well on bikes I have always managed to skin a knee, flip off one or run into something. The last time I was on a bike I did a front flip off and rolled a few feet… I was 19. So ummm, yea cycles really aren’t my thing.
It hurts not knowing if you have a legitimate reason to be mad or upset by an outside entity. I’ve resorted to not having a reaction or outward emotion towards anything that anyone does unless it’s a positive one. I keep the negative ones to myself. I think about it. I check myself. What experience or flaw within myself triggered the a similar negative feeling? Am I associating this experience with a bad memory or insecurity I’m battling? What are my feelings and connections towards the person who said or did the act that caused negative feelings? Do I trust this person? Have I shown this person true free of conditions, agape love? If not, how can I expect the same in return? In short, I do the “***** are you tripping”? test. And if my negative feeling or hurt is valid I mention it to the person and leave it there. Now the persons reaction to my reaction is the wild card. Most mature adults respect the honesty, correct my assumption, and leave it there. In a perfect world every interaction and communication would be this easy. However, in today’s society, some adults have not mastered the skill of controlling defense mechanisms. Unfortunately, these people will never admit to being wrong, will try to convince you that your thoughts or feelings are invalid, these people will attack you personally, discredit you, raise their voice some may even threaten violence or even worse do violence to another. These types of people are the worst for cyclers. It will trigger our impulsive and irrational traits. We will lose ourselves in the moment and face the consequences later.
Being a cycler, a smart cycler who studied Sociology (the study of people and society), it’s relatively easy for me to spot these people. Based on basic characteristics and mannerisms. Profiling is not always a bad thing. When done right, without malicious intent or personal bias is pretty helpful when recognizing personalities and people who trigger a cycle or episode. I hate that the term “episode”, it’s the medical terminology that reminds us we are sick or abnormal. Some of us begin ascribing to and internalizing the textbook symptoms of our biological and physiological ailments.
No text book could ever grasp the immense fear I have of not being able to control my reactions or word choices in stressful situations. No words will ever describe the deep, ache of our isolating lows. The only thing that has come close to matching and personifying this feeling through sight or sound is the score from Schindler’s list, the faithless sob from the loss of a child, and Van Gogh’s the Face. Pure, unadulterated sorrow. Earlier in life, before I recognized the difference between Truth and lies I told myself these sorrows caused great pain. This sorrow will kill people like us. They will mount up, manifest become bigger than us, bigger than the Truth, larger than life. They will swallow us whole, drown us, shoot us, starve us, hang us. These sorrows have killed people like us. Learning to recognize the difference between Truth and a lie I’ve told myself has helped combat my sorrow. It still comes but it passes with ease. No matter how bad, unjust or hurtful I find peace in knowing everything that has happened is met to be. You will never change the past. It cannot be altered. It happened, I’m still alive, therefore life must go on. And then…. The peace… the calm… the quiet comes… It pains me to know that some of us voluntarily stop our hearts to them keep from breaking. When the sorrow comes we need to remind ourselves, we are cyclist. And like any cycle we still we’re coming around to the other side. Which is bliss.
With cycling comes our euphoric side. Mr. Bright Side. Do no harm, love everybody, life is amazing, people are awesome. I can do all through Christ who strengthens me. I’m all knowing and all feeling. I can create, I speak freely and thoughts are as long and clear as a hot spring geyser. They call it delusions of grandeur. I call it confidence with an extra side of courage. Great things begin and amazing people are met around these times. Infatuations, conversations, adventures, money spent, time enjoyed. The only downside to this part of our cycle is that you never know how long it’s going to last. 1 week, 3 months, 6, 2 years? You never know. We coast our way to the next phase.
Reality shatters all lies, all expectations and assumptions made while in our euphoric phase. Something triggers us. There is a death, an accident, health issue, family or job issues. A major stressor or event. Our thoughts begin to race to find the answer or solution. We lack control over our mind. Our mind begins to wander looking for a diversion from the trigger. We panic, we are impulsive. We use, we spend, we ****, we fight, whatever some of us use to cope is our temporary fix. This is the stage most of us fail to identify and correct until it’s too late and we are back on our way to our that old sad *****, Sorrow. This is where we realize how much we don’t know, we realize how foolish we were. We are disgusted by our lack of control. We become ashamed of our actions while on cycling auto-pilot. We never noticed the roller coaster ride. We hide. In our shame and in our hiding we are forced to face our pain, inadequacies and most of all Truth. Great art is made around this time as well.
And…. Then…… Sorrow, despair, isolation, fear, horror, being eaten from the inside out. Literally, your thoughts devour your mind, heart and right before it reaches the spirit you are faced with a decision.
Option 1: Suicide, although the good times are amazing, are these desperate lows worth it? Some think not. In their panicking and irrational thinking all they feel is pain, all they know is that I want this pain to end and I never want to experience it again. The only problem is this pain comes from Life. You cannot shelter yourself from Life, there is nowhere to hide. Life finds you any and everywhere. Knowing this they become overwhelmed Life + Me= Pain so Me- Life = 0 (No Pain). The thought has entered my mind because I cycle, when I say we think of everything, you’d be disgusted if you knew where some of our thoughts go when they race. But I know too much and have seen too much to ever take my own life. There’s a consequence for taking your own life. There’s no honor or integrity in causing your own death. You’re cheating. I have sympathy for the ones of us who choose this option but I will never support or respect it. Just hold on. Please! It gets better. We cycle, we ride the wave, it always gets better. Yes it will get bad again but it never lasts. Just hold on!
Option 2: Take Meds, taking meds causes great shame for some. When I was younger and ignorant to my own ailment I believed people who took meds were weak. Until I desperately needed them myself. Personally I believe meds should be a temporary or occasional solution. The long term use of meds are lethal to the human body and mind! Meds make me feel as though I’m on auto pilot. Because I’ve studied the effects of these meds I know what to look for mentally, physically and spiritually. While on them I’m super aware of the difference. The bone chilling part of it all is that you of conscious of this difference, yet can do nothing to prevent it. I’ve caught myself staring into space thinking about nothing. No higher thought, no inner voice, not tapped in. While driving a ****ing car. But fully aware of traffic signals and vehicles around me. I lack emotion. Deep conversations feel superficial. I have no gut reaction to anything. I’m pissed I smirk, I’m happy I smirk, I’m sad I have a straight face. Up side? There’s no cycle. I can finally concentrate on the exasperated plans I made while I was high on ****ing life and loving ALL things. Creativity suffers during our time on meds. You’re keen and focused for business, art… not so much. Another reason I do not agree with being on meds for a long period time or worse permanently. Don’t get me wrong not all people with a mental illness should stop taking their meds. Some motha****a’s are crazy as **** fo’ real! However, most adults with Cyclothymia and less severe bipolar can manage themselves very well by recognizing triggers, removing them, and facing reality and Truth head on. I’ve taken antidepressants and mood stabilizers from ages 19 through 27. Never more than 30 days and never for more than 5 consecutive days. They tell us that it takes at least 2 weeks to feel meds and 30 days to receive their full effect. This is a lie. This is how long it takes your body to full adjust, and for your body to form a habit. This is why most are issued in a 30 day supply. Prozac, Lithium, Paxil and Welbutrin all kick within 24 to 48 hrs. I’m hypersensitive to my body and consciousness so I started feeling the effects/difference after 8 to 12 hours. This is only for truly intense times. I have not taken any meds for cycling in 3 years. That’s not to say that I won’t again next week, next month or next year. All I know is today I’m okay and do not need to be subdued or reigned in.
Option 3: Seek a Higher Power including but not limited to Jesus, Mohammed, Jah, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, etc. whomever that Higher Power may be for you. We use it as a crutch and foundation to build ourselves back up and to give our lives purpose. We cry on the alter, we pray, we reflect and we learn. In short, we cope by using Faith and humility.
Option 4: Use another as a crutch. I see many people do this to their families, children to parents, parents to children, wife to husband, husband leaning on wife. In a perfect world this is what are loved ones are for right? Not while cycling. They love us, yes, but it’s just not fair that we place all of our needs, fears, craziness on their shoulders. I mean damn isn’t enough that they are willing to ride this wave with us in all it’s crazy, blazing glory. I’ve heard some women say that having kids made it easier for them, that caring for another life/family has allowed them to focus and calms the cycle. On the downside some go off the deep end and end up in institutions after child-birth or worst on drugs like my mother. Then you hear those who swear their soul-mate loved them into stability. I’m not sure about that one. I can neither deny or confirm this claim. But if it’s true it would be ****ing nice. For now I think it’s selfish to place that burden and weight on other souls who have their own mind’s ******** to deal with. Loved ones can also be the worst triggers of all. How many have heard of crimes of passion, murder-suicides or suicides after a break up or death of a loved one? Deadly triggers. It is nearly impossible to go through Life avoiding loving another person. I just believe that we may not fully be able to give our 100% good, bad and ugly while cycling. It just doesn’t seem fair or plausible.
Option 5: Pull your motha****in’ boot straps up and drudge through the muck of Sorrow and Pain. The hardest of all of course. This is where you match your pain with cold hard honest Truth. Truth about yourself, your life, others, triggers, fears, ALL. We rediscover ourselves best this way. We learn hard lessons this way, which means we will be less inclined to repeat the same actions that caused or propelled our cycle. When going through this step I’ve learned that we may cycle but we can control the severity of our cycle. We do not have to ruin our lives trying to balance out. Although I gain great strength and wisdom by using this option, it is ****ing hard! The pain is intense, the thoughts are horrid, the feelings are extreme. I take off work, turn off my phone, and numb my mind with music, movies, prayer and weed. Weed helps a lot. I’ve found that I’m needing less and less time to regroup these past few years. I still have those extreme bad days, those sobbing no food, no drink, no shower days but they are fewer and less severe. We are never safe or 100% cured but age helps a great deal. I wish some of us who chose Option 1 would’ve just given themselves a little more time. With age comes wisdom.

[CANDC]

Welcome to PC Moe Childs. It sounds like you are going through a lot.

I feel like I’m going ****ing crazy. It’s cool it happens every few months. I’m cycling….
As much as I hate to admit it. I’m too smart for my own health. But not smart enough to stop the cycling. The one thing in my life I feel I can’t control can make or break me.
It makes me who I am at the same time it keeps me from being everything I could be.
Oxymoron’s.

A friend experienced cycling and with the help of a psychiatrist (pdoc) was fortunate to get to stabler ground. Trying to do this by themselves was not effective. Even friends could not help reign things in. That is the best option. The pdoc may suggest a therapist. The first try at medicine may not work. Keep telling the pdoc and they should make adjustments.

[User Name]

Sorry... it is too long to read... please try to emphasize the main points

[Sinking Feeling]

Embracing your madness is cool. When your madness embraces you, not so cool

[Crazy Hitch]

Hi mo,

I've given you a response where it's posted under the bipolar forum.

I hope you are able to find my response there.

Thank you for posting.

Be well and remember your options that are positive.