[Secretum]

As you know, my t thought I might have some form of BPD. I was so crushed. I felt so flawed and broken, just devastated.

I was suicidal. I thought the only cure for have a bad personality, a bad soul, was death. I felt like I had lost everything I liked about myself with this provisional diagnosis. I felt like no one would ever like me or see anything good in me ever again.

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I didn't feel like going, but it was at my house so I had no choice.

At the party, I saw my old pastor. When he was leading our church, he said some things that bothered me. He seemed to preach blind obedience and reverence. He said some bad things about homosexuality (which was painful for me to hear because I am bi).

I talked to him last night, and he was a changed man. We talked about God's love, and how vast it is. He told me that he sees so much in himself that is messed up and broken, yet he knows that God loves him. It made me feel that maybe God might still love me, even though someone thought I might have a personality disorder.

He also told me that he missed me, missed our philosophical conversations, and loved my questioning nature. He told me that he had always admired my intelligence.

All of it was exactly what I needed to hear. I just felt so enveloped by God's love.

For three years now, I have been pursued by this Death Force. This is the reason why I get suicidal. Why so many bad things have happened to me, why I am so prone to self-hatred, why I get hopeless and depressed. It is because I am hunted by the death force. I don't know why it is after me; I suspect that there is something I am meant to do while I am alive, a mission, that it wants to prevent me from pursuing.

I always wondered if there was a Life Force out there counterbalancing the Death Force, because I am still alive. Every time I'm suicidal, I am either too scared to follow through, or I reach out to someone even though it is uncharacteristic of me. In Rome, I told my therapist I was going to overdose on Wellbutrin a day before I planned to do so. She confiscated it, keeping me safe. In October, when I was in a terrible mixed state with rapidly alterations between depression, elation, irritability, and anxiety, I nearly killed myself again. I had the pill bottle in my hand. But something stopped me. I kept myself safe, made a promise to myself that if I didn't feel better the next day I would get help, and I followed through on that promise. I spent 10 days in the hospital, and got mostly stable again.

Well, last night I received proof that there definitely is a Life Force. It told that pastor to say exactly what I needed to hear. It loves me and sustains me. It will surely keep me alive and do much more than that-it will prosper me.

Thanks for listening.

[AstridLovelight]

very cool. Thanks for sharing that

[Fuzzybear]

[BipolaRNurse]

I love it!!! I'm so glad to read this.....sometimes the workings of God are amazing, and you put it so well that I got goosebumps.

[Crazy Hitch]

Thanks for this