[HelloWorld18]

So I go from extreme times of happiness, pleasure and enjoyment from life, to extreme moments of depression, suicidal thoughts, and sadness. I cannot tell if its due to me not taking any depression medication for the last 4 months or so, or if I'm actually like this. i DID go on effexor for a short time, but stopped due to vomiting. i've been a mess. Things with my parents have never been the same for the last 6-8 months (made a related post a while back, about my privacy and innocence being shattered). This weekend for the first time, I've seen my mom for the first time in 8 months. Im really happy, yet depressed, because I feel I've changed so much (for the worse). the last time she saw me, i was a lot happier, less emotional, and 20 lb heavier, now, she's concerned I'm underweight (before i was considered at a 'normal' weight, but i wasn't too fond of the weight personally). My dog of a little more than 9 years (since i was 10-11 years old) died a little more than a week ago (she was in a lot of pain, so its for the better, I've also been emotionally disconnected from her for the past few years, its very painful for me to admit that). this whole weekend was a blast. i don't want to leave my moms house.

i hate my job, i hate my coworkers, i hate everything. just 3 days ago there was an incident with my step mom, which makes me wish even more that i didn't live with my dad. i work at a grocery store, and although it shouldn't be too stressful, it is. i have coworkers who think theyre the boss cause theyre in a position higher than me telling me what to do every step of the way, some of them dislike me, some of my managers dislike me, theres no 'visible sight' of getting promoted to a better position, even though i have more than enough experience for that said position. I'm looking for a job, but no one seems to want me, there are financial difficulties my parents are experiencing. my self esteem has been affected lately because of a few imperfections with my teeth and physique. my coworkers literally have no respect for me, they literally treat my like I'm their slave. no please, no thank you. if i don't do it, they just report me to my manager. if i make a small mistake, theyre willing to pounce on that mistake and report me to my manager and get me in trouble. I've almost gotten in a few serious issues, but because the manager and i are friends he excused them saying 'just don't let it happen again'.

my dad used to be my 'superhero'. i would be so excited to see him every other thursday that i got to spend the weekend with him. but now. no excitement what so ever.

suicide has been on my mind, but mostly self harm. honestly, i don't have the guts to commit suicide for several reasons, and those reasons include my parents. I couldn't imagine how they would react if they found me dead. that alone would break my heart so i couldn't (and i would feel bad, cause my mom and dad have heart issues, so they themselves could get overly stressed finding me dead that they have a heart attack and die too. my parents are divorced, my step mom is in pretty good health). but if for example i TRULY didn't have parents who cared, i wouldn't have a problem killing myself. but because i know for a fact they love me and care, i couldn't do that to them and i never would. I'm also a bit of a wimp cause id be afraid that it would hurt.

but understand that my parents haven't made life easier for me. not in the slightest. they've made it way worse. do they realize this? I'm not sure. they know to a degree. but i definitely don't think that they know its THIS bad.

[Blue_Bird]

Hi HelloWorld18, have you talked to a pdoc or therapist about this? That would be a good start.

[loophole]

seek help please. We are a good support but we are obviously limited a great deal. Good luck

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[sidney1771]

Highly encourage you to seek professional help from a doctor or therapist. Self diagnosis is not your best interest, and we are here to lend support, not diagnose. Self harm and suicidal thoughts aren't to be trifled with. Please see your doctor as soon as possible.

[Sorpcpym]

The fact that you're talking about suicide means you should be seeking help. I can tell you I was soooooo depressed when I called a pdoc - to the point it was physically hard and painful to pick up the phone and call. Just do it. Go - don't use money or your job or anything as an excuse. When you're properly cared for by a pdoc you'll feel a lot different than you do now.

[ozzy1313]

You sound so sad in your post- please seek some help. How old are you? Do you financially have to live with your folks? Do they know what is going on with you (would they help you seek help?)

I totally know how it feels to want to die, but to not want to hurt those around you. Self harm isn't going to make yo feel any better in the long run. I also know self esteem issues due to body, skin, looks, etc. I think most people feel this no matter their mental health.

Please keep posting here and updating us. We can't make you "better" but at least we are a safe place to express your feelings and to know you are not alone.