[Harley326]

Recently, I've been having a lot of trouble forcing myself to take my meds. I don't want to take them. I don't know why. I must be one of the lucky ones because I haven't had any crazy side effects. When I first started taking them, the Seroquel made me super tired. I remember when I was in my episode I wouldn't take it until really late because it was making me sleep way more than I wanted to at that point. The sleep was probably the best thing for me, but all I can remember is not being ready for bed, but having no choice in the matter. Now I'm down to 300mg (from 800) at night. It doesn't make me as tired as it used to unless I take it too late. If that happens, I'm a zombie the next day. The hospitals wouldn't give me any kind of sleeping aid after 2am (the only time I ever wanted anything to sleep was when I was hospitalized because they are probably the most boring place in the world to be at wide awake at 3am) so for now, that's my own motto. If I forget to take it early enough and it's after 2 when I remember, I won't take it. Hell, sometimes I won't take it if it's midnight when I remember. I don't know if it's because I actually think I'll be in zombie mode the next day or if it's because I just don't want to take it. The Depakote ER (1000mg at the same time as the Seroquel) never really gave me any bad side effects. In the beginning I had some tremors, but I'm not sure if they were actual tremors or left over from the delusions - I believed I was being controlled by a chip somewhere in body and that the could make certain body parts shake if they chose to. I don't know if the tremors were a byproduct of that delusion or if the delusion was used to explain the 'unexplainable' tremors. Now, my hands are just shaky. Not horribly so, but it's there when I take the meds.

I'm living with my fiance at his parents house. One of their conditions when I moved in after my episode was that I could only live here as long as I was taking my medication. I take it sporadically. I don't take it on a regular basis. It scares me because I think, what if you go back into the state you were in only a year ago? Weirdly, the thought doesn't scare me. Shamefully, I feel like it was the most freeing time in my life. I wasn't pretending to be happy when I wasn't, I wasn't pretending to be okay with things that I wasn't okay with, I was doing things for me and my "well-being" - not for everyone else's. My perception of the whole ordeal is probably skewed and the episode only lasted 4 months before the meds kicked in and I just woke up one day knowing all of my delusions weren't real. As insane as it may sound, it wasn't a relief. I cried for days after I came back to my 'real' self. Trying to explain that I was missing people who had never even existed, but had known me and understood me better than anyone had in my entire life seemed exceptionally crazy. So, I told no one why I was upset. I hid the crying, just like I always had before and my life resumed.

I don't want to make life harder for anyone else. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to say horrible things that I'll regret later. Maybe the episode would have been worse if I had had more people in my life that I could have lost. I don't know. All I do know is that for some reason I don't want to take my medication. It's not because of side effects - though I use that excuse to myself. It's not because I want to be crazy again. I just don't want to take it anymore. So most days, I don't. The only perk from it is that I've been able to get up earlier without being completely exhausted, but my psychiatrist is slowly taking me off of the Seroquel, so that excuse isn't good enough either. I feel so guilty when I think about it, but still I continue to neglect it.

Sorry for the novel, I just needed to unload. These are things that I've never said out loud. Everyone thinks that I was happy when the episode ended and that I have been dutifully and responsibly taking my meds as prescribed since the day the first prescription was written. Maybe someone can relate and tell me the why of their dislike of the meds when the side effects weren't the main cause. Maybe I'll be able to discover why I don't want to take them. Is it possible to not have a reason for something? To just either want or not want something just because you do or don't? I have no idea.

[CANDC]

Harley, welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry to hear you are contemplating stopping the medicine that is designed by your psychiatrist (pdoc) to prevent slipping back into the darkness you came out of. It seems like your pdoc is responsive to changing the amounts of medicines you take like the Seroquel.
You may be aware that the medicines take time to kick in and help you since you found that in your last major incident. The reverse happens when you stop them. They diminish over time and symptoms may appear and then one day there might be that deep darkness again. That could mean losing your home, your fiance and your freedom if you have to be hospitalized.

That sounds like self destructive behavior. You know or know now that by stopping the meds you will eventually get back to a similar state as before. That does not sound like wisdom, it sounds like tempting fate or simply giving in to self destructive tendencies.

That brings up an idea about trying to talk to the pdoc and see if they could adjust the amounts so the shaking of the hands stops or try a different med. This plan has the advantage of working with a trained professional that can help guide you.

Your theorizing about why you want to stop the meds is inconsequential. A friend tried what you are doing and they described it as they were driving toward a cliff and just did not turn away. They went over that cliff and lost a lot in life.

You still have time to turn away from the cliff. Talk to your pdoc about resuming medication in a safe way. You have yourself in your care. Just like having a baby in the car, be very careful.

Here is an article that might be of interest
Discontinuing Psychiatric Medications: What You Need to Know | Psych Central