[memson]

Since my most recent depressive episode (September) I have taken on a somewhat dark view of my life. During that episode I experienced a lot of suicidal ideation. Since then, I live each day firm in the knowledge that one day this illness will kill me; that it is inevitable I will experience an episode that I won't recover from.
To some degree this is very freeing; after all, I can now justify every new life experience as possibly being my last, so why not indulge. What's worse though, is that I am absolving myself of some of my responsibilities; my life is somewhat out of control and I'm just drifting.
I wonder, am I the only one who feels like they're living on borrowed time?

[BipolaRNurse]

Oh, yeah. I hear you. My brain already tried to murder me a couple of months back, and I lost my innocence---now I KNOW this illness can (and will) kill me if I let it.

However, I don't take the view that death by bipolar is inevitable, and I try to live every day as it comes and take responsibility for my actions. I don't believe I have the right to do as I please just because I'm sick, it affects other people and that's not fair to them. But I do understand where you are coming from. Just don't give up and let the disease have its way.

[JumpingJacks]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. I know what you mean and have been there and may still be there to an extent. Once you've had the illness for a while you can't believe the same things you used to and that other people do like if you work harder you will achieve whatever you want. It just may not be true for us because one episode will destroy it all. But what I have to promise myself is to never end it. The one responsibility I have is to take care of myself even if I don't achieve everything I thought I would it still doesn't mean I can give up. The depression won't last forever. I try to get outside and go for a walk/run. Sunshine helps. That sounds so silly and simple but it really does make a difference. I hope things get better. For all of us.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by memson

Since my most recent depressive episode (September) I have taken on a somewhat dark view of my life. During that episode I experienced a lot of suicidal ideation. Since then, I live each day firm in the knowledge that one day this illness will kill me; that it is inevitable I will experience an episode that I won't recover from.
To some degree this is very freeing; after all, I can now justify every new life experience as possibly being my last, so why not indulge. What's worse though, is that I am absolving myself of some of my responsibilities; my life is somewhat out of control and I'm just drifting.
I wonder, am I the only one who feels like they're living on borrowed time?

I could have practically written this post. I feel certain there will come an episode that I cannot recover from and I will end it all. I eat crap and I take care of the minimum of my responsibilities. My husband (who is our sole financial provider) said just this morning that I just want to be a freeloader. I know that isn't nice, and he only said it in anger, but in many ways he is right. It's like I do nothing. Honestly, much of it is anxiety, but it is also very much a defeatist attitude, one that I have had only in the nearly 3 years since my symptoms reappeared. I have been one often insane mess ever since.

[Sunshiney87]

I occasionally battle suicidal thoughts. Actually, going through an episode right now. No matter how happy my life looks - my brain wants me Dead nonetheless. It's a constant war.

[gayleggg]

I was in the same shape in September. Since then I enjoy each day as much as my mind will let me because I know there is a good chance that the depression will come back. I do moderate my days as to not over extend myself or become stressed out as I know these lead me back to depression faster. Yesterday and today haven't been good days but i have hope for tomorrow.