[JumpingJacks]

So, I've been on a good combo of meds for about two months and I started feeling like I didn't "feel enough" because of the lithium and I decided last week on Thursday I think to see what would happen if I skipped the lithium for a few days. Well by Saturday, I was all over the place in a frenzy and went out that night and drank so much I blacked out and drove home! Then Sunday I was in a panic/ depression over it wondering if I'd ever feel normal again so I started my lithium again and long story short I feel back to normal, finally again today.

I suppose I just miss feeling alive, you know? The lithium makes things safe and quiet and it's good and I'm grateful. It really scares me when the alcohol starts because I've already gotten a DUI and used to drink really heavily and get into trouble and then I was in AA and sober for fourteen months. It seems to only really start when my meds aren't right though so I'm still not sure if I'm an alcoholic or just self-medicating. I am still a little shaky and just feeling stupid, messing with something that was good. I get lonely and bored and even though life is good, better than it has been, it just doesn't feel whole like I'm not really totally alive. Like I'm just living this quiet little life with this routine and bedtime and medicines and my dog and I don't know if I can do it forever.

[~Christina]

If your feeling to "flat" on your current meds then your Pdoc needs to be informed and then you both can agree on a treatment plan that is going to be the best one for you.

Are you seeing a T ( Therapist) on a regular basis? They are very helpful in trying to find what parts of your daily life your ok with and those that your not. Some changes can be just lifestyle changes and sometimes it is a medication issue and you can speak to pdoc.

Please be safe and have a DD if you do decide to go out for drinks.

[Moogieotter]

Hello JJ,

Glad you got back to stable. It really struck a point with me your comment about living a quiet little life with routine and your dog.

I have worked very hard over the last two years to build exactly that, a nice little simple life with my family and my dog. I do drift off and remember some of the crazy fun and ruckus of my hypomanic runs - man what a ton of drama to fuel off of. I have to quickly remind myself that I am such a better person and truly happier as a grounded and stable person.

Very glad you got back on the meds and no other damage came your way from your latest lesson. Best wishes,

moogs

[JumpingJacks]

Yes, moogie you're exactly right! I'm a much better person when I'm in my routine and I am much better to around for everyone else. It's easy to forget sometimes I suppose. I've made a lot of progress in the past years and it's scary to think of letting it go. I just need to keep going in the right direction.
Christina, yes I do see a therapist but it's new and it's mostly for the ptsd although I'm asking her to be on the lookout for an ups and downs with the bipolar disorder. I think the medicine is okay it's just a matter of acceptance.

[gayleggg]

It took me a long time to adjust to the fact that there are things that I don't like about taking medication but finally realized that the meds are better than the alternative. If I were you, I would talk to my doctor about it. It might be that another med might work just as well without the flat feeling.

It sounds to me like you are just trying to self medicate but I'm only basing it on what I tend to do.

Talk to your doctor and stay on a schedule and you should be fine.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Eva33]

Originally Posted by JumpingJacks

I suppose I just miss feeling alive, you know?

I know exactly what you mean. Unfortunately when I am going through hypomania, I experience that FEELING ALIVE moment and I make absolutely terrible decisions, spend too much money, talk entirely too much, drink heavily, and take on a lot of projects that in a week's time I'll be completely disinterested in.

[coloradogal]

Hi JumpingJack. Your quote "Like I'm just living this quiet little life with this routine and bedtime and medicines and my dog and I don't know if I can do it forever." really speaks to me. I'm bored stiff as well. I don't know if my lack of motivation to do anything currently is stemming from your basic moderate to low grade depression or the 'flattening' of emotions from my meds. I just know that I terribly, terribly miss feeling ALIVE!! Know what I mean?
Good luck to you. Thanks for the topic!

[pepper2009]

I second what Christina said. Also, I would advise that you refrain from drinking since you not sure if you have an addiction. Lots of people self-medicate and it leads to major problems which you have already experienced.

I wish you well!

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry things are a bit challenging for you at the moment.

I got that "flat" feeling whilst I was on lithium.

Don't really know how else to describe it.

Take care of yourself.

[JumpingJacks]

Maybe it is just the lithium. I don't seem to know what a normal person feels like anymore so it's hard to tell. I'm going to see my pdoc this morning to discuss other options. I've tried geodon, seroquel, depakote, and some of the antipsychotics and this seems to be the best combo but it doesn't hurt to ask.

I think part of it is just missing the hypomania/ mania and the productivity and sparkling personality that I feel I have during those times. It seems like a whole other life but the pain and the cost is too high. I have decided to avoid alcohol at all costs because that makes it ten times worse. If I feel like drinking again I will get my butt to a meeting.

Thanks for your comment Coloradogal, I just know that I come alive when I'm hypo or manic and it's like an alternate universe where life is real and this is just a temporary fake world I'm living in medicated. Weird, huh?

[Manic Trance]

I am so afraid of that quite little life. I am afraid of that flatness. It's why I'm not medicated.
But I also totally relate to your story, which is why I always think of getting medicated. I went and got Lithium but never took it.
My biggest fear is that I think of Hypomania as being totally normal, essentially, I am hypomanic more or less all of the time unless I am depressed, and that if I take Lithium or some other mood stabilizer, it will settle me down, I'll be in a normative mind state, but for me, that will be tantamount to being depressed, or depressive, or what have you. And I'll realize that in order to have a normative existence I'll have to resign myself to a life of flat, drab, emotional expanses.
Anyhow, not to make this into my own rant, but I feel you.
MT