Self-medicating

Jan 19, 2015, 08:09 PM

Im going between depressed and suicidal. I missed my pdoc appointment yesterday cos I was crying too much to drive all that way and had no one to take me. Not to mention I got booted by a horse so Im sat with ice on feeling more sorry for myself.

I dont want to drink anymore but I dont want to feel like this. PRN (5mg ativan, 5-10mg wafers of zyprexa) does nothing at the moment. I cant get any drugs, I cant even leave the house. I cant call lifeline cos they send the cops, I cant contact any of my mates as they are all at work.

Sorry to whinge on your thread, feeling hopeless.

Manic Trance · Jan 19, 2015, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

For the last three weeks especially I have been rapid cycling between mixed and hypomanic states. Self-medicating way too much and struggling to get a handle on it. My anti-depressant is being reduced as it may be the cause of this craziness. Feel like I barely have control on my illness at the moment and am terrified as to what is coming next. Today I was as high as a kite, loving life and feeling so productive. I went to sleep feeling well and have woken in the middle of the night wired and unstable. I have been drinking too much as well as smoking pot. It seems the more unstable I get the greater the desire to get 'off my face' I have. I want to stop so I can have a chance at being stable but I am really having trouble doing this while in a mixed state or hypo. It also means I miss my nightly dose of Lithium as it does not wash down well with alcohol (i actually throw it up if I take it)

My therapist is fully aware of this and we have come up with a short-term plan for me to reduce my drinking and smoking and get back onto my usual med schedule. I came home from that session today and got drunk. It was like I was already rebelling against the plan. My T asked me if I was in control and I said yes (of coarse I am, I'm hypomanic!)...he didn't seem convinced. In fact things are spiraling out of control. I feel like I am fighting myself here. On one hand I want to be well and look after myself on the other hand I don't give a ##ck and the wildness inside me takes over. It is so hard to not self-medicate when in an episode. How do I get control of this while still swinging dramatically and falling into intense, wild mixed states?? Part of me didn't want to write this post as I wan to continue to self-destruct but the real me wants to find stability, if that is at all possible. I am not suicidal and my life is going well outside my BP issues so it is purely due to the mixed states that I get self-destructive. I don't know what any of you can say. I just wanted to get this out there.

I relate to this entirely. I know how hard it is to break out when you are in this cycle. It always seems like you can do it tomorrow, but tonight you can get hammered. Why the f*** not?

When I do finally break these streaks I always do it the same way, through the opposite extreme. When I need to get my feet on the ground I go paleo diet, no alcohol, no smoking, no pot, I switch from coffee to green tea, and I try to control sleep, exercise and meditate schedule permitting. It is so extreme that it is almost the same logic as using drugs, but rather than leading to increasing bouts of mania and crashes, it leads to stability and sanity. From that point, you can start to be more moderate.

It has worked for me, until that call comes again, but each time I break it, I do it this way.

Good luck!
MT

berlingots · Jan 19, 2015, 08:52 PM

Good luck !

I'm thinking of you guys. <3

Just noticing is progress in it self!

Wander · Jan 19, 2015, 09:27 PM

[QUOTE=Supanova;4219963]Im going between depressed and suicidal. I missed my pdoc appointment yesterday cos I was crying too much to drive all that way and had no one to take me. Not to mention I got booted by a horse so Im sat with ice on feeling more sorry for myself.

I dont want to drink anymore but I dont want to feel like this. PRN (5mg ativan, 5-10mg wafers of zyprexa) does nothing at the moment. I cant get any drugs, I cant even leave the house. I cant call lifeline cos they send the cops, I cant contact any of my mates as they are all at work.

Sorry to whinge on your thread, feeling hopeless.[/QUOTE

So sorry to hear you are suffering so much. Feel free to whinge all you want on this thread if it helps. You are not alone. We are here for you. When are you seeing your pdoc or T next? You really need to be evaluated asap. Are you safe? That is the most important thing at the moment. I have times where I can pour meds down my throat (in safe amounts) and have it not even touch my symptoms. It means you are going through a bad episode. Please call a help line if you are in any danger. Having the police come over is much better than the alternative. Take care

Jan 20, 2015, 12:21 AM

Thanks Wander. Well I dont know next time I see the meds pdoc I piked out on yesterday, it depends when I make another appointment. T/pdoc is away another week and a half I think. I have an appointment with a GP at some stage this week. The bruising from the kick is pretty severe and I've had a lot of non related pain issues (hence the weed use). I can ring meds pdoc anytime I want really, he may not be able to see me for a while but usually they can admit me if need be on the day. I dont think I want to go down that road.

I hate going to hospital, it takes me so long to get back into real life at home and I start uni next month. Im currently seeing everything as a suicide tool. I wont go in the kitchen or touch anything in the bathroom, I move between my bed and the couch and that is it as that is safe. If I had a friend with me today they would probably convince me, but they all have lives to deal with and dont want some suicidal chick ringing them on their lunch break where there is nothing they can do.

Wander · Jan 20, 2015, 07:08 AM

Hey Supanova. I use weed for pain relief too (I have Fibromyalgia) and it works better than any other med. The fact that you are seeing suicide tools in everything is a concern. I bet your friends would rather hear from you now and have an opportunity to support you than lose you. This is serious. If the urges get so bad you cannot keep yourself safe, please contact someone you trust, or a helpline, doctor etc. Many times in my life much suffering through suicide attempts and other self-destructive acts could have been prevented if I had of reached out. Who am I to advise though. I am a mess at the moment. I just hope you can stay safe and find some stability soon.

Jan 20, 2015, 05:17 PM

I've called lifeline who threatened the cops on me (second time in 2 weeks). I called my boyfriend, I called friends, I put a help message on fb. None of them can help me. All I have done is worry everyone. Again. When will the misery for them and myself be over.

ChaoticSymphony · Jan 20, 2015, 05:57 PM

I am sure this is going to sound like awful advice but here goes-drink until it passes and then once it's past when you're calm and collected come up with a doable action plan to stop it the next time. I've self medicated for almost 20 years and just recently (little less than 3 months) am going it sober. It's freaking hell some times, like today when I had a lil fight with my mom. Getting drunk would of felt so good at the time. Anyways the more you fight the urge the easier it becomes. You have to make yourself use other tools because that has to become your new normal. It's possible I promise.

Jan 20, 2015, 06:25 PM

Sounds like a plan to me. Bottleo doesnt open for another 2 hours yet though.

Hysterical crying has started for the day. At least I swallowed my meds after the spew-a-thon.

Problem is Im pretty sure this episode has been brought on by drinking. Alcohol makes me depressed the next few days after I have it. I had a huge weekend drinking wise and then crashed sunday/monday. It should be passed by now but I think it might have triggered a major depressive swing already. Too early to tell but last time I was this sick I was hospitalised.

Jan 20, 2015, 06:43 PM

I've been self medicating with alcohol till I got hospitalized a few weeks ago. It seems that everytime I drink, I accidentally get drunk. Upping my meds made the need to drink go away. I've been sober ever since, except last night. I decided to drink a few, but ended up drunk again, so I'm stopped again.

Wander · Jan 20, 2015, 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Supanova

I've called lifeline who threatened the cops on me (second time in 2 weeks). I called my boyfriend, I called friends, I put a help message on fb. None of them can help me. All I have done is worry everyone. Again. When will the misery for them and myself be over.

Perhaps hospital is the best place for you now. You can detox, get your meds sorted and have some time to think of a plan for dealing with what makes you drink. I hate hospital too but when I get mixed and self-destructive it seems to be my only safe option. It is worth going to hospital if it is going to save your life. YOU are worth it! Hang in there.

PS the way things are going for me at the moment I might be in hospital soon too

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