[Resident Bipolar]

Sorry about the titles of my recent threads. I dont really know an appropriate title during these times. This is going to be a long one. Without a doubt, today has been the worst during an episode in a number of years - I am unmotivated, more depressed than I've been since 2011 and perhaps a little suicidal. I'm lost as to what to do or who to speak to and I am unsure of any clear way of helping myself.

It's taking a lot out of me to type this. Really, I'm not sure where I'm going with it and I am 100% ashamed and embarrassed with feeling how I do.

On Friday I went to an appointment with my psychiatrist - the first appointment with the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) since I was discharged from their services in August of last year and my subsequent referral back to them by my GP in December. The appointment was okay. I described my mood, the impulsive suicidal urges, the self harm, the flashbacks, etc. She said she wanted to put me onto Lamotrigine and Mirtazipine after some blood tests as they need a before and after to monitor how the meds are affecting me. After the blood test results, she was going to put me onto the new meds and have my new psychiatrist (she told me she was leaving for another job) slowly increase them depending on my second blood test ensuring there were no complications.

I went for the blood test on Monday using the form she gave me. Today I phoned the CMHT for an update and asked for the receptionist to have either my psychiatrist (Dr L for confidentiality purposes) or her secretary call me. A few hours later one of the secretaries phoned me and explained to me that Dr L had left and asked me to explain what I wanted to her so she could pass it on to one of the other psychiatrists (Dr K, once again for confidentiality purposes). She didn't seem to quite understand as Dr L hadn't handed in the notes from my appointment, at least at that stage, and I wasn't even recorded as having attended. When I explained everything she didn't get what I was saying - that Dr L was going to put me on both Lamotrigine and Mirtazipine after my blood test.

Anyway, that's added to worries as I have no idea what's happening from this point on in regards to my meds and my psychiatrist and treatment and everything. Is Dr L going to finalise things and hand it over properly at this stage? What is the new psych Dr K going to take from it all and how long is it going to be?

I cried today. Just silent tears slowly dripping down my face while I clung on to my partner's leg. I haven't cried because of nothingness for a long time. The voices in my head haven't been this strong for many, many months. If ever. Just right now I'm clinging on with desperation. I really don't know how long I can continue because every day this episode seems to be getting more and more intense.

Who do I turn to? What do I do? Is there any hope for me at all?

The impulsive urges scare me. They come on so suddenly and I feel as though I have very little control over them - my body responds to it without my deciding to. Since when did I lose all control over my own legs? I sometimes just let myself go with it - I close my eyes and allow my entirety to be controlled by these dominant urges. I allow my head to be filled with the incessant voices and images in my head.

How long am I expected to just tolerate this? I'm losing the fight. Actually, I'm losing the will to fight. I can't be bothered. Every day it worsens. Even though I might realise it's all in my head, I can't just ignore it. I am in so much pain emotionally that I have begun to feel physical pain - headaches starting a couple of days ago.

Nobody has to reply. I just need to get some of this out of my head. I realise it's a long post. If you stuck with it, I am really appreciative. Your hugs are perfectly sufficient. Just right now, in the real world, I don't want to be touched. I feel guilty for declining my partner's attempts at cuddling or hugging me. Just physical contact doesn't feel comfortable right now.

Soon I must go to bed and endure how powerful the voices become when I am trying to sleep. There is too little to distract myself with in bed. They always keep me awake.

Sorry for the long post. My whiny writing can be depressing, I know. Thank you to all of you for being here.

Michael.

I'm so sorry, not knowing is a huge trigger. All we want is to find relief and it can be very crushing when the plan that was explained to us as to how it all is suppose to happen seems to fall apart on their end. Then all you get is a cold "I'm sorry, do you want to reschedule?" UGGGGH!

What can you do? I know it's totally frustrating and it can start feeling lonely. Please hang in there, things will be resolved soon enuff.

[pepper2009]

I wish I had some magic words for you. Since I don't, I'll send you a cyber hug. Hang in there. It will get better.

[cashart10]

It sounds like you've been through this hell before. Try to remember that it does always get better. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

[Angelique67]

Sending lots of virtual hugs.

[Victoria'smom]

Michael,

Can you go to an urgent care? You need to be in a safe, supportive environment while you get control of your impulses. How bad is your SI currently? I wish I could stand in your place.


MM

Awwww, sweetie! Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. Hold tight.
You ask if is there any hope for you? YES. ALWAYS. Even when you're not feeling it.
Lots of

[LettinG0]

Ah. Sweet, sweet child. Here's a virtual air hug so it doesn't bother you. And, I am saddened at your pain and angst and struggles. Please stay aware enough of yourself that you get to the er or call a hotline...whatever you need to do to keep you safe. Sounds like you are no stranger to this terrible disease, so PLEASE try to remember there is always hope and a brighter day WILL come. Thinking of you.....

[Love&Toil]

Keep seeking help even though it's miserably difficult. Hang in there. You are needed and wanted.

[BipolaRNurse]

I wish I had words to comfort you and heal you, but I don't so I'll just remind you that bipolar is a LIAR. It tells you things that are untrue and wrong. Please don't give in to the lies. Stay strong..this will pass.

[Resident Bipolar]

Thank you everyone. It actually helped a lot, at least to get me through the past 24 hours

Friday was a better day. Not great, not even close, but definitely better. Of course tomorrow could be just as bad again, or it could be even easier. Time will tell.

I did get some answers. Dr L's secretary called to inform me that she had in fact filled in a medication form for me for the new meds, which was faxed off to my GP today. So I'll call them on Tuesday to see what's happening. I know meds aren't a miracle cure but I'm excited for a new hope, another chance at recovery. What scares me is that this was such a long time coming. I had the longest period of stability since diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and I thought it was all over weirdly, although in fact it's very unlikely I'll be "cured". It's too late now anyway - everything is screwed at this stage.

But yeah. Today I wasn't nearly as sad but instead I've been extremely irritable. Unmotivated, restless and down right moody. I feel for what my partner has been through with me today I had things I wanted to do, as opposed to the apathy yesterday, but just no motivation to do it. Seems lying in bed fidgeting and thinking about doing things was more of an attractive proposal than actually doing them. Thought that counts?

Dreading work on Sunday. Even 3 and a half hours in that place while I'm feeling like this feels like an imminent prison sentence. Not sure if I can bear it.

I put a load of laundry in the washing machine this morning! Unfortunately it's still in there, eight hours later, soaked and sitting in what will soon be stagnant water. I'll sort it tomorrow.

@Miguel's: I contemplated urgent care but meh, hate that situation. Too scary! The self harm isn't major, at least nothing like in the past. It's off putting to self harm in my partner's mother's home (where I have lived for almost two years now). It doesn't feel right. And I'm almost always here.

Once again, thank you all for your hugs and your kind words.

Michael