[razorbug]

I am going to tell my story and it is likely going to be very long, probably boring as well, but I think getting things off my chest might actually help me. So if you decide to read on, I thank you for your time. Please do not judge me, I am already judging myself every moment of every day. Please show me a little kindness, as I desperately need it, even though I do not deserve it. I am going to be completely honest for, perhaps, the first time in my life.

I will start at the beginning. I had two wonderful parents who loved me, nurtured me and encouraged me. They also loved each other dearly – true soulmates, if you believe in that. Then my mother died when I was 9 years old. My father was devastated, and he withdrew into himself. He still showed me and my siblings love, but he was never the same.


I grew up in a very genetically homogenous area, but I was of different stock, so I looked different, had a different kind of name, etc. I was considered rather unattractive by a large majority of the people I grew up with, even though my parents always told me I was beautiful. A very painful memory I have is of a much older man (I was 20) going out of his way to tell me I was very ugly. I didn’t know him, and was not even talking to him – he just felt the need to let me know how ugly I was to him. I was never included by other kids, and was very much an outsider. I made my first suicide attempt when I was 7 years old. I tried to harm myself in the girls’ room at school. My teacher was alerted to this and shamed me. No one told my parents.

My teenage years were spent getting in trouble with the law, acting hostile to other people, having sex with numerous boys, and underage drinking. I dabbled with LSD and pot, but with the exception of pot, I never enjoyed the loss of control drugs gave me, so I was never interested in moving beyond those two drugs. In regards to the drinking, I was a lightweight and didn’t enjoy drinking myself stupid as many of my acquaintances did. Perhaps sex was my biggest vice and I enjoyed it greatly – still do to be honest. However, as soon as I had sex with a guy, I would begin to lose interest and it was just a matter of time before I was dumping the boyfriend du jour to find the next “fix.” In retrospect, I am extremely fortunate to have never contracted an STD. I was rather contentious about using protection. I did get pregnant once, and aborted it without any regret or remorse.

I managed to graduate high school, though not without self-inflicted difficulty. I was constantly bored and refused to attend class, only showing up for tests. After high school I attempted college, but grew bored and dropped out. My early twenties were spent partying, and occasionally working. I moved from city to city, and even country to country (I have three citizenships.)


I married my soon-to-be ex-husband at 29 years old, and hoped that it would work out. He is a very good man, and treated me very well. I was terrible to him. I cheated on him, verbally abused him, and finally left him for another man – whom I am with now. I love my current boyfriend as much as I am capable of. The sex is amazing and I am not bored, yet. He is good to me, but we aren’t without problems. I have been with him for a year and a half, and that is honestly a record for me to be with one man this long and not want to run for my life.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2 and GAD around 3 years ago, and have been on every medication imaginable to control the symptoms. The only thing that works thus far is lithium for the mania. The depression plagues me, as does the anxiety. No medication can even touch these demons. I haven’t been on any benzodiazepines, for no doctor will prescribe them to me, even though I have zero history of addiction. I drink very seldom and do no drugs. I have tried the whole therapy thing, and it is a waste of my time. I cannot seem to get the help I need. I am actually considering past life therapy to see if that will work, I am getting very, very desperate.

So here I am. My life is a complete and utter disaster. A few years ago, I went back to school and I was doing very well. I thought I had a future. Now, I am crippled with severe depression and anxiety to the point where I cannot even leave my house. I was fired from my last job because I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed, and I am on the brink of getting kicked out of school because I can’t attend class. Just the thought of being around all those people brings on panic attacks. I am hiding this from my boyfriend for fear he will leave me. I have next to no friends, and I have isolated myself from my family. I am alone. No one will help me. And I can’t help but think that I deserve all this. This is karma biting me on the butt for all my past wrongs.


I am filled with so much hate. But I hate myself most of all. I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital in July for suicidal ideation, and it was a harrowing experience. I will never, ever go back to one of those again. If I ever get to that point again, I will follow through before I get put in a psych ward again. It didn’t help at all, and it made me feel worse as opposed to better.

I just want to feel like I did when I started school several years ago. I had motivation, I was responsible, I was a good person. Now – now I am human garbage. I am in a lot of debt, have no money, and my once stellar credit is in the toilet. The thought of leaving the house to work makes me physically ill because I will have to be around people.


I don't know why I am writing this - I will likely not even bother checking for any replies for fear of judgement and cruel words. I am ruled by fear.


I am lost, and I have nowhere to turn.

[sideblinded]

Hi razorbug

First, no one here is going to judge you or berate you for telling your story with honesty and sincerity. I am glad that you joined. Welcome to PC. I really hope that you are reading this because I know that being in this community can bring about unforeseen hope. I am hoping that you stick around and read other's stories so you can see that your story isn't so uncommon. Most of us have come from horrible beginnings, middle of life and later in life disasters. I also suffer from depression and it can be so disheartening at times. I, too have moved so many times and given up so many opportunities. I also suffer from anxiety. There are so many others here who will want to listen and offer you their support.

We have so much to offer in resources, friendships and weekly events. I hope that you will reach out here again. If you have any questions feel free to contact us.

Best wishes

[Tucson]

Happy to have you here! Please continue posting. We all have made some pretty big mistakes in our life. I know I have and continue to find it very difficult to forgive myself.

[ChaoticSymphony]

One thing I've learned while living with bipolar is my standards are not facts. I have the choice to lower them then higher them based on my moods. This doesn't take away from my core being either. This is acceptance of what I'm capable of doing today. Trust me you aren't the first to have ****** credit in this group. I have thee worst credit too. Actually much of your story was my story too. I find when I get overwhelmed about money a simple quote (I'm me and you're you so I don't know if you will agree but...) it's just money and you can't take it with you when you cash your last check. Some may call that the ostrich with its head in the sand mentality, meh I call it accepting what I have and being ever so grateful that I have a roof over my families heads and food I'm their bellies.

We all have crap but trying to sort that crap In the midst of an episode is a futile job. Baby steps to feel better then one thing at a time. Face it, we got the short stick some days so work with what we got right?

[Victoria'smom]

Did you do DBT yet? Welcome to the board.

[~Christina]

I'm betting everyone here can relate to something you said. We all have struggles and demons to get off our backs. No judging here, Just support.

I hope your being able to just lay it all on a forum was helpful maybe even a tad healing, if only even a tiny little bit.

I hope you stick around and see that altho we are people scattered around the world ,, we do "get it" and offer support any way we can.

Welcome to PC

[ArthurDent]

Hey Razor. You're one of us. You can sit by us any time

[LettinG0]

No judgment from this 'ol girl at all. Just lots of loving support. If you peeked back in out of curiosity, know that we all get it, we understand and we can relate. I hope you find the strength you need and maybe even a little healing from being brave enough to share. Welcome to PC!

[tipper1492]

Hello, hope you find this place very comfortable to be in.

[Turtlesoup]

Welcome razorbug No judgement here-I have screwed up many a thing (& a few lives), have had 2 bankruptcies, bad marriage, difficult parents that "don't believe" in mental illness, etc. I hope it helped you to share your story & taking that step is a really big deal. There is a ton of info & support here-take care.

[avlady]

you are very courageous for trying to get help and admitting your life and mistakes and problems. We are all here for each other, and someone can always relate to our own stories. good luck and enjoy!!!

[sewdancemom]

It took a lot of courage to tell your story. I appreciate that you were willing to do that. I hope for good feelings for you!!