Hey all…I've been rapidly thrown into a situation. Here's a vent, a lament, a scream into cement. I don't know what this is, but I've got to get it out. Only my brain will be (temporarily) relieved with (heavily medicated) sleep. But the rest of it?…Not so much.

The basic immediate situation is in check-in thread (http://forums.psychcentral.com/4238636-post358.html)... In short, in the past 36 hours, I found a disturbing mass, and had appointment with my Dr., and now am scheduled for a diagnostic test first thing tomorrow morning to see if I've got cancer.

Strangely enough, that's not totally why I'm writing. It's the complexities into which it falls. Yesterday morning… BF sleeping. I discover The Thing. Realized I'd need the better part of the day to decide what and how to bring up. We've been through some rough patches (over 5 years), but just recently.. very nice. He's got BPD -- runs hot and cold on everything. (I revel in all the hot I can get! ) Our relationship is currently in a state of rejuvenation. Re-focusing on fun. I do NOT want to lose momentum! I've worked too f'in hard for it.

Last evening, neighbors' behavior sets off a BPD shift. Cue the lamentation on his woes, saying how it's just one thing after another. Do I want to top it off by bringing it up then? No indeed!

When he gets in a down state, he sleeps. Sometimes for days. So I get home from work and Dr. appt. and…. he's sleeping. (Btw, it takes HOURS for him to "get with it" after any amount of sleep.) My hesitation, + his sleep = he's got NO IDEA what's going on!

I'm in a no-win situation. Wake him, wait hours to dump craptastic info. Don't wake him and go to test alone, leaving him in the dark. And, you know, for me, the alone part -- heading into a psychological minefield. (This is the support part. If anyone could keep me in mind about 8 hours from now, it would be MUCH appreciated!)

He was upset the last time I held back something important for a couple of days (on account of him already being in a state), saying I should have spoken up, regardless. Now here we have something that I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT AT ALL! I'm finally getting what I've been desperately wanting, and having fun. This SUCKS!

And…. well, there are things. That borderline hot/cold thing? So is his supportiveness. And has a general tendency towards being pretty self-absorbed (trouble seeing beyond his own pains). No negative comments on him, please, as I pretty much worship the ground he walks on. Pretty much.
IRL, my support system consists of him, my psych and my sister 3,000 miles away. I have issues and insecurities out the wazoo, but am very low maintenance. Still, this s*** is Trigger City. And it's such an issue, that I can't even talk about it. Or even say what "it" is.

I've been so balanced. And SO do not want to be thrown into an episode! Last time in a pressure cooker was ugly. And that was mostly stress. This one's got major league issues to boot! Trying not to think about it, but with BP, it'd be naive to deny its potential for havoc. Ugh!

I hate every f****** thing about this situation with the passion of a million suns!

Sounds very stressful. I think it is important enough to tell the BF even if he is in a state, but perhaps you know him well enough to know that you might not get the support you expect. Scary situation going through that all on your own. All the best for the outcome.

Well first of all, I hope it's benign, whatever that mass is. As far as the rest, I guess you could do a pro and con list of is it worth waking him up etc. I wish I had better advice.

[Trippin2.0]

IZ, so sorry I just found your thread. Wish I could've posted sooner!!! ((((((((((IZ))))))))))


I hear you on the tell don't tell issue... You're stuck between a bottle and the label, no wriggle room!!!!


I vote for telling him, just so you know...


I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and will even crawl into your pocket and go along to your appointment!


All the best to you, I hope you fail every damn test they have!!!


Much love


Lia

Thanks, everyone Your responses mean a LOT to me.

Well, turned out to be 2 cysts, not small, but cysts nonetheless. Phew!

Have to admit that I was a hot mess -- everything went wrong getting there (traffic lights, parking, couldn't call because new phone that I couldn't get the keypad screen up, AND forgot how to use an elevator(!) (very near meltdown by then) I was sure they'd probably given up and cancelled me on account of being 1/2 hour late(!) But no, it was ok. (Btw, on the elevator? Realized much later that I must have been pushing the button for the level I was already on, lol! Why won't it go?! Why?! WHY?! )

I'd already been crying all the way there. Just couldn't stop. (BF's reaction just prior to my leaving didn't help.) In office, just minding my business, eyes averted, drip drip drip and…. this older lady came over, sat down next to me and asked if there was anything she could get me… would I like some water? And then came back with a bottle of water, sat, a few kind encouraging words, and said if she was still there when I was done, to come by for a hug. At that point I didn't know WHAT I was crying over. I was SO touched. Normally, I get pretty uncomfortable being noticed, let alone approached, but she just had this sweet, gentle and caring presence. Tears are running down my face now, just thinking about it.

Then it was time. Everyone was very nice. I apologized a couple of times ("Sorry, I've just got a lot of issues."), but it was totally reflexive … I never felt compelled to explain myself. No judgement. Patient. Have to say, despite the overwhelming issues I have -- far beyond those they might imagine -- (and my clearly being a mess), they could not have done it any better.

When I got home, thought I'd do this or that, but wound up falling asleep. The whole thing had just wrung.me.out.

It was all such a whirlwind, but the result is a relief.

Psych appointment tomorrow, oh yes.

(Re: the tell. The morning porch step coffee… I preambled (know you'd want me to tell you), said I'd found an anomaly, had appt and now a test, and yes, it's possible it could be a very bad thing…. I could not manage to spit out just what though! ("Just say it. Alright, then you can tell me later." No hug. No good luck. Just... whatever.)

[Trippin2.0]

((((((((((IZ))))))))))


All the best to you, I'm sorry bf wasn't more forthcoming with the support, but at least you did your part told him.


We're here for you, you'll get through this IZ.