[UnLuckyTriple7s]

Hey all, my name is Gregory. I'm a 23 year old diagnosed bipolar/ADHD (the diagnosis for I or II seems to change with every doctor so we decided it doesn't matter). I've been having anxiety for as long as I can remember but never categorized it probably until I was 16 and it became an extreme problem.

To my friends, I'm a mixed bag. I have terrible low self-confidence but they all remember me as the star on stage doing plays, singing, and tap dancing. I was the dance captain which led to me being in front of large groups of people who ended up looking up to me for advice/guidance. I grew into the work world and mostly did customer service based jobs. They seemed to be the only ones I could get after dropping out of college due to a suicide attempt (maybe? I blacked out) but I still always found my way up to the top of the pack, worked up in a very busy nice restaurant, started as a host. I became the source of knowledge for everybody, even managers, and I was proud to have that position.

So, the downsides. I'm a perfectionist. I hate myself for the smallest things and it ruins my day completely. I have the thinnest skin imaginable and a sneer from a customer can start tears or a panic attack. For most jobs, I lasted only 6 months. With the aforementioned restaurant, I had VERY understanding managers who were very supportive and fought for me every time I had a panic "I quit" moment. Sheesh, I must have quit that place at least 10 times before I knew I really needed to get out.

That was this past September. I've been in a deep depression ever since and I can barely get out of bed in the morning. My social anxiety is through the roof and unless I'm with someone else I can't even stand to go to the store by myself. I understand exposure therapy and I have made it before but the cashier asked me how I was (small talk, nothing special) and I ended up crying right there at the check stand just saying "I'm good, thanks". He probably thought I just got dumped or something but I just didn't want to talk to anyone (no self check out at this store! )

My doctor has me on a multivitamin, 20mg IR adderall 2x/day on days that I work (now 0) or days that I need to be productive (make appointments, see family etc), 5mg zyprexa, and 600mg tegretol. I have a pitiful 10 .25mg klonopin for emergencies every month.

While my pdoc knows I'm miserable with this combination, she seems convinced I need to be on it. Previously I was on lamictal instead of tegretol and I was doing much better, but still not great, and that's why we changed. It seems like the lesser of 2 evils to me now that I've tried tegretol for so long, but I haven't changed. I have an appointment tomorrow so I think it's going to be a major part of the discussion.

I'm living off savings right now...I have a great habit of overworking myself when I'm manic and I had a lot in savings..now I'm almost out. My therapist had a great idea that I need to force myself to only work x amount of hours a week, where I can't work less but I also can't work more. Because I'm able to save so much it's obvious I don't need to pull the 13 hour shifts. Problem is, I don't have a job! I've filled out applications and gotten calls, but my heart starts pounding through my chest the second a phone call comes in and I can't bring myself to answer the phone. Embarrassed, I abandon the opportunity completely.

I need something where I don't see people all day in case I do have an episode it can be something I can deal with by myself, take a 5, and then come back in full force. My boyfriend is supportive but he doesn't fully understand, and my mom is with me the entire way. I feel I'm letting them down but this depression is causing me so much pain I can't seem to get through it.

Thank you if you read all that, anybody else gone through a similar situation? I'm so aggravated by myself it's disgusting :/ I just crave mania at this point

[kaliope]

gosh gregory
it sounds like you have so many strenghts. i wonder if focusing on them could help you with your sensitivity. i use to be sensitive, though not as sensitive as you, so i dont know if this will work for you but maybe you could give it a try. I came up with one indisputable fact. one good thing about me that I could not deny no matter how bad I felt about myself. for me it was that I was a good writer. I have always gotten A's on my papers for as long as I can remember and write professional evaluations today that receive praise. there is no denying that I am a good writer. so when I started running off that list of bad things in my head, I could say, yeah, but I am a good writer to compliment myself and feel good instead of bad. soon I found more good things about me and added them to the list. it took awhile but eventually I started believing that I was a good person with these good qualities. this is how I built my self esteem. so the idea is, when you are feeling this sensitivity and about to panic or lose it, think about your good qualities and build that strength in yourself. just an idea.

another thing that worked really well for me, because i cried really easy and worried about that on the job, was a therapist told me to tell myself, "now is not the time". so when i feel the tears coming on, i tell myself that over and over and it stifles that overwelming feeling to lose it. then later, out of the situation, when it is a more appropriate time, i can say "now is the time" and i can cry all i want. this has really worked for me. most of the time i dont even need to cry anymore because the feeling has passed.

i hope this helps you some.

but i do see some many strenghts in you. to have been able to accomplish all you have and live as long as you have on savings. we cant help it we are riddled with this stupid anxiety. stay strong.

Hi Gregory. I'm sorry for all you are going through right now. Social anxiety is terrible (I know from experience). People who don't deal with it, don't understand that exposer therapy simply makes you sick and miserable. Most people take for granted how easy it is to just say hi and make small talk. They will never understand the torment a person with social anxiety goes through. I hope you and your doctors find something which works for you. My heart goes out to you because I know all too well what you are dealing with right now and I hope you soon find something to ease your situation. I wish I had advise. I take Paxil and it eases my social anxiety a smidgen.
Good luck and thank you for sharing your story.