[Tucson]

For years now I have been suffering depression with some episodes of mania. What is "normalcy" has been fleeting for me. More recently, I have been struggling to get anything done at all. A recent med change has changed this for me. I am more productive. But I still suffer. It can take an hour or more to motivate myself to run errands. But I really feel like ***** dragging myself everywhere. But I am getting things done.

Should I look at this as an improvement in my condition? It certainly does not feel that way. I am still suffering. But my doctor thinks I am doing OK.

[Imah]

It sounds to me like what happens when a med starts working on me. Slowly over time the dosages are changed as our body ajusts. I am pleased for you that you are finding some changes.

Personally, I also believe that we get so used to a certain outlook, that when a med changes, we have to do a little changing with it. What I mean is, when I started having less delusioinal thinking, I noticed that as a habit, I would think odd thoughts. I have to learn, and am still practicing to stop myself from my bad habit thinking or outlook.

The meds can't do everything. But ya, I think it sounds like there is an improvement.

Oh, also - I noticed that for me, I keep a sad face facial expression even when I am not sad (learned behaviour) so now when I remember I try to just change that into a smile and hold it. It takes less muscles to smile then it does to frown.

When a med is the right med, I feel the difference immediately - although it also takes a few weeks to balance.

Best of luck to us all.

[Victoria'smom]

It doesn't sound like you're okay. Are you in therapy too?

Maybe you are doing a bit better if you are able to do more than you previously were. However it doesn't sound like you are at an acceptable baseline so working with your doctor and getting them to understand that is imperative. I wish you luck. I know how hard it is to climb out of the pits of despair. I hope your doctor works with you and finds a treatment plan to bring you to a more acceptable baseline.

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by Imah

Personally, I also believe that we get so used to a certain outlook, that when a med changes, we have to do a little changing with it. What I mean is, when I started having less delusioinal thinking, I noticed that as a habit, I would think odd thoughts. I have to learn, and am still practicing to stop myself from my bad habit thinking or outlook.

This. Can you -- would you mind -- expanding on this? How can you tell the difference between an odd thought that you have as a knee-jerk habit, and an actual delusional thought?

[Velouria]

Originally Posted by Tucson

For years now I have been suffering depression with some episodes of mania. What is "normalcy" has been fleeting for me. More recently, I have been struggling to get anything done at all. A recent med change has changed this for me. I am more productive. But I still suffer. It can take an hour or more to motivate myself to run errands. But I really feel like ***** dragging myself everywhere. But I am getting things done.

Should I look at this as an improvement in my condition? It certainly does not feel that way. I am still suffering. But my doctor thinks I am doing OK.

I think if you went from barely ever being motivated to run errands, to running them on a more frequent and regular basis, then you've improved. How long have you been on the new med?

[pjcjr77]

Originally Posted by Imah

It sounds to me like what happens when a med starts working on me. Slowly over time the dosages are changed as our body ajusts. I am pleased for you that you are finding some changes.

Personally, I also believe that we get so used to a certain outlook, that when a med changes, we have to do a little changing with it. What I mean is, when I started having less delusioinal thinking, I noticed that as a habit, I would think odd thoughts. I have to learn, and am still practicing to stop myself from my bad habit thinking or outlook.

The meds can't do everything. But ya, I think it sounds like there is an improvement.

Oh, also - I noticed that for me, I keep a sad face facial expression even when I am not sad (learned behaviour) so now when I remember I try to just change that into a smile and hold it. It takes less muscles to smile then it does to frown.

When a med is the right med, I feel the difference immediately - although it also takes a few weeks to balance.

Best of luck to us all.

This is a really great observation. Meds haven't been a magical cure for me, but they have helped give me the ability to see my issues way more clearly. I can now see all of the learned behaviors, and that some of the sadness was at times almost an attempt to comfort myself.....which sounds odd.

There is the chemical imbalance in the brain issues, and then there is all of the other stuff we pile on top of it because we are trying to deal with the brain chemical issues.

The meds have helpped with the brain issues, but the rest is up to me to figure out. 38 years of my brain being wired to be so unstable, and then to have it be fairly stable really requires a big shift in my thinking when it comes to my sense of self, and my place in the world.

[Imah]

[QUOTE=Velouria;4244551]This. Can you -- would you mind -- expanding on this? How can you tell the difference between an odd thought that you have as a knee-jerk habit, and an actual delusional thought?[/

Wow, good question. Well, its like this: Honestly, I can't always. But I guess I will try by example.

My untreated bipolar for decades led me to have my own personal idea of what is God. I think we have all this connection to each other. Bipolars might be more aware psychically of this connection then other people. We might experience it differently, audio - visual - physical stimuli that belies what we can see. Because I developed this theory to explain away my delusions, I still believe somewhat in it. So, if I am having a bit more psychic feelings then other days, I might think these are normal thoughts. I try not to let them determine my behavior too much.

What might be an abnormal delusional experience has been happening more recently - when I think I keep seeing dark or flying images, or when I feel like suddenly something is appearing then disappears. I talked to my husband this week and told him, something is trying to attack me - so imagine that anything that would hurt me you would be mad at and direct your energy in that area (pointed north east) cause that is where it is coming from. I did this because my husband always unconsciously puts a invisible protective shield around me, our house, our animals. And so ya, these might be delusional thoughts. Its hard to tell which is which, and a really true delusion I don't normally know I am having until during or after - when I realize what I had done. Its hard not to believe these things aren't real, and I guess I have created an odd belief system that balances what we can see and touch with the odd experiences.

So, I try to remember to help myself live normally by trying not to indulge in negative thinking, negative body language or expressions, or comments or crazy actions. (When I catch them). I try to 'help' myself and my medication by just getting through the days in an attempt not to be harmful to myself or others. I made a loose schedule of daily goals, and I chart to help me know whats going on.

I don't know if what I said was a clear answer to your question. I hope so.

(Edit addition: I do enjoy one little part of one of the recurring delusions: When I get very scared of an attack on my mental state and I go around the outside of the house burning incense, or burying things in the ground to ward off evil - its really embarrassing on one hand, but on the other - my mean neighbor probably thinks I am nuts and it might scare him into not wanting to mess with us (he used to vandalize our property), so that's how I manage trying to protect myself on one hand, but on the other - is it all real or crazy - I will never know.) (Doctors call it, severe and persistent mental illness).

Edit II: I thought of another way of answering. I have learned enough about the illness to accept that what I think, see or feel MIGHT NOT be true. That helps me to choose how I will respond. (Sometimes when I am doing well).

[Imah]

Originally Posted by pjcjr77

This is a really great observation. Meds haven't been a magical cure for me, but they have helped give me the ability to see my issues way more clearly. I can now see all of the learned behaviors, and that some of the sadness was at times almost an attempt to comfort myself.....which sounds odd.

There is the chemical imbalance in the brain issues, and then there is all of the other stuff we pile on top of it because we are trying to deal with the brain chemical issues.

The meds have helpped with the brain issues, but the rest is up to me to figure out. 38 years of my brain being wired to be so unstable, and then to have it be fairly stable really requires a big shift in my thinking when it comes to my sense of self, and my place in the world.

My new med, generic for Trilafon, has really helped reduce my delusional thinking. I really feel a kinship to what you are saying. Now, I think I can see the difference better. Example, once at age 19 I didn't go to work because I was sure if I did, I would die that day. I woke up -- just knowing that thought was true ---. I called in, went to a friend and made him take me to work with him. Sat carefully in his office all day until it was the end of the day, and my knowing I was going to die passed into knowing I was now safe. Now, if I experienced it I think I would go to work, and just be wayyyy careful. (yes, I grew up in the way generation) haha But seriously, thanks for sharing this letter. I also can relate to your sentence, "some of the sadness was at times almost an attempt to comfort myself.....which sounds odd." I get it. So, ya, its not odd. Sometimes the sadness feels like a pull that feels comforting in its intensity. IDK, its hard to explain.

[Tucson]

I have been on the new med, Seroquel, for about one month. I have no therapist. Maybe I should be looking for one? My day today has been better, but I have nothing to do. I am avoiding the shower right now but I will force myself to take one today.

Maybe the stress of having to do errands makes me worse? Maybe I am actually doing better?

[Victoria'smom]

Maybe I should be looking for one? Yes, my therapists are life savers through episodes.

[pjcjr77]

Originally Posted by Imah

I also can relate to your sentence, "some of the sadness was at times almost an attempt to comfort myself.....which sounds odd." I get it. So, ya, its not odd. Sometimes the sadness feels like a pull that feels comforting in its intensity. IDK, its hard to explain.

With the Lamictal it is so weird. I occasionally find myself sort of attempting to draw myself down into that despair (f'ed up I know), but the medication seem to provide a very solid floor. It's as though my mood will only drop so far.

I guess it makes sense since its original intention was to prevent seizures. It must stop that high speed spiralling of brain information that most likely causes the mental issues to begin with.