[franticpanda]

I've been diagnosed since this whole thing, but I guess I sort of want to differentiate between what's considered within the realm of normal and what could be hypomania.

A couple of years ago, during the summer, I recall being very content with life, not to an extreme level though. Maybe just enjoying life a bit more than what would be considered normal. Now normally, I'm rather reclusive, choosing to spend my time along at my computer talking to friends at times. But that summer I had become a lot more extroverted than I had been before. It was as if my social anxiety disappeared. Conversations had become easy to maintain, compared to the awkward mess I had been before. I just wouldn't shut up about all of the stuff I was doing and what my future plans were, much to the annoyance of everyone around me. I was also spending my money frivolously on games and guitar crap. I don't know why I decided to take up guitar. Never touched the stuff again.

Anyway, every other week or so I would go into the city to explore the entire public transportation system. I was just totally obsessed with it. I had to go EVERYWHERE, see EVERYTHING. Even the rather unsafe areas. I took pictures everywhere I went, gave money to anyone that was asking for it, even if they were obviously scamming me. Life just felt awesome.

Then I arrange a meet-up with one of my online friends that I had known for several years. Spent all of my money on a plane trip out to Washington state to hang out with him and do some cool stuff. I was just freaking out at the total sensory overload at the time. Sounds, colors, people everywhere.

I was also going through this whole transgender phase, and I eventually started to go down this death-spiral of self-hate. Come October, I started to become overwhelmed by school and my increasing self-hate. I attempted to erase all documents containing my current first-name, burning important college papers, cutting up my IT certificates, throwing out pictures of myself. Eventually had this total meltdown in front of my family after finding out I needed surgery in order to change the gender marker on my license. I completely lost my ****, threatening to gun down the people responsible for the law, throwing crap at the walls, my laptop being part of the collateral damage. Then I just went up to my room and cried for the next hour or so. I never felt so awful in my life.

So after that whole mess, I start going back to therapy and having regular appointments with a psychiatrist. Both my therapist and psychiatrist were thinking I was bipolar, but I sort of shot the whole idea down with them. Just got diagnosed with depressive disorder NOS instead. I spent the next couple of months being pretty damned depressed, but I never took the meds as I didn't believe they would help at all. Instead, I had solely relied on vyvanse and weed to pull me out of depression, which for the most part it did.

I guess that's pretty much it, I cringe when I think back on the stuff that happened that summer, particularly all the stupid crap I said and did. I wasn't experiencing the lack of sleep or excessive energy, though, but compared to my normal self, I was way out there.

[Hexagram]

Originally Posted by franticpanda

Both my therapist and psychiatrist were thinking I was bipolar, but I sort of shot the whole idea down with them.

Can you walk us through that part, because yes, what you described does sound like hypomania.

[Wander]

Certainly sounds like hypomania. Have you run that past your current pdoc? What do they think? How are you right now?