[OutlawedSpirit]

So, thought I would stop in and say hi, see how everyone is doing. I haven’t been on here in months, but a lot has gone on. A lot of good. Now, I do want to say that I don’t think I’m here to stay for long. I really love PC, all of you have helped me through some really rough times. It’s possible I may be back in the future if things don’t work out so well, but as of right now, I have other focuses.

I don’t know how many of you remember, but last summer I was actually admitted inpatient for a complete med overhaul. I dropped Geodon and Abilify, and was put on Lithium, Cymbalta, and had Klonopin as a PRN. That switch did wonders, and probably saved my life. I was soooo thankful that I had found a different pdoc that was willing to do a complete change. It didn’t take long and I. FELT. BETTER. I felt so much better, it was like night and day. I want to really emphasize this, because I know a lot of you are struggling right now, it’s the nature of the illness, but don’t lose hope. There is hope. There is always hope. Sometimes you have to take extreme measures to get to a better place, and sometimes those measures are absolutely terrifying. Trust me, I was so scared of going IP that when my pdoc suggested it, I started bawling. One of the best choices I ever made.

So anyway, everything was all rainbows and sunshine for a few months, till about November. I started slacking off on remembering to take my Lithium. Although I felt so much better than I did on the Geodon/Abilify combo, I wasn’t as religious about taking my medication. I think part of the problem was that I felt better. Once I had switched meds, my hallucinations stopped (my newer pdoc said that sometimes, taking too many APs can cause almost a “toxicity” that actually creates psychosis, so he said that he didn’t think I ever had Schizoaffective Disorder, that it was Bipolar all along, just with the med induced psychosis), my anxiety levels dropped way down, and my OCD wasn’t really a problem anymore. However, this sort of became the problem when taking my medication, because I just honestly didn’t think about it, because I didn’t feel sick anymore. I’m not saying that I fell into the “I’m all better, don’t need my meds anymore” trap that I’ve fallen into before, I just honestly didn’t think about taking them.

I had stopped seeing my T by this point as well. I did this because I felt that I had gone as far with her as I was going to go. I loved my T, there’s no denying that. She was always there for me, would fit me in on any day if I needed to see her NOW, but we had come to a standstill. She had given me a bucket full of tools I could use, but as I began to practice and master everything she had given me, I had a full bucket while her bucket had run dry. Towards the end of my time with her, it seemed like every appointment was the same. We talked about the same things, she gave me the same advice, and we always left it on the same note. I figured there were a couple of reasons not to see her anymore at that point. For one, she had given me all she could give me, it was up to me to actually use what I had been given. It didn’t matter if I saw her 3 days a week every week for the rest of my life, if I never used what I had been given. Plus, I wasn’t in a great need of her, and I figured there were people who probably really did need her. By “giving back” my time slots, I was giving someone else a chance to get better.

So back to my medication, since I wasn’t taking it as regularly as I should have been, I wasn’t able to maintain my Lithium levels to even the bottom of the therapeutic range. So I just stopped taking everything. Before I continue any further, I want to add a note:

IT IS NOT OKAY TO STOP YOUR MEDICATIONS WITHOUT TALKING TO AND CONTINUEING TO WORK WITH YOUR PDOC! STOPPING MEDICATIONS, ESPECIALLY COLD TURKEY, CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS! THE DANGER OF EITHER SIDE

EFFECTS/WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS FROM STOPPING COLD TURKEY AND THE EXTREME DANGER OF A SUDDEN RELAPSE ARE NOT WORTH IT! IF YOU WANT TO STOP YOUR MEDICATION, WORK WITH YOUR PDOC!

Okay, now that I have gotten that out of the way, I really didn’t notice much of a difference when I stopped my meds all the way. And, before I am called a hypocrite, I didn’t really have a choice to do it with my pdoc’s blessing. He ended up having his medical license suspended due to “sexually explicit behavior with a patient”. The reports I read said it was in the form of inappropriate text messages, but as a rape survivor, that really shook me. Needless to say, since I didn’t really have a pdoc anymore, I was on my own.

I have gone four months now, completely med free, and I feel that for me, personally, it was a good choice. I’m not going to try to say that meds are bad, or that they don’t have their place, because they most definitely do, but I think for me, personally, they played their part and now I’m moving on. I was in a bad place for a few years, and meds probably saved my life. I will never deny that. However, I was not as well equipped to face my illness then as I am now.

I have become so much more self-aware. I can feel when I am starting to slip, and I can prepare myself. I know what tools I have in my own personal arsenal, and I know what works for me and what won’t in different situations. I think it’s more than just being more aware, however, that has allowed me to try the med-free route. I have changed. No, my illness didn’t go away, it’s still lurking in there, I can feel it. My outlook has changed. I view my illness differently. It is a challenge. It is an opponent for me to hone my skills against. Instead of being the victim, which is a part I played way too well, for way too long, I am playing the soldier. I am still not saying that I am willing to say that Bipolar is something I have as opposed to something I am. I think I will always view Bipolar as something I am. It has shaped me, it has defined me, and it has forced me to change, to bend, sometimes to break. It is a part of me, but I’m done letting it be a big part. I am so much more.

Sorry this has been so long, but I guess I had a lot of catching up to do. I’ll probably hang around for a couple days, but I don’t think I’m here to stay, at least not now. I also hope I didn’t come off like I am trying to advocate a med-free lifestyle. I’m not even sure if it is going to work out long term for me, but for now, this is the path I have chosen. If I felt that I didn’t have a handle on myself, or that things were getting out of hand, I would go back on medication in a heartbeat. The mark of good general is not knowing when to advance, but when to retreat.

[jacky8807]

Thnk for the positive story!

[Crazy Hitch]

It's good that you are back.

Thank you for the update.

[~Christina]

Nice to see you again I have wondered how you have been.... Enjoy your life !