Mania/depression and my true self

Hey guys,

Not a native speaker, so bare with me on any grammatical errors, don't wanna come across like an illiterate. Anyways, today is one of the rare days where I feel elevated, happy and motivated. I can't remember when I had my first depressive episode, but ohh boy can I remember my last manic episode.
Back then I didn't know I had bipolar, I thought it was normal. I know what triggered it, the girl I was in love back then, didn't congratulate me for my Birthday and it made me realize we won't happen. I got drunk on my Birthday(21st), I was totally hammered like really really hammered. I slept for like 3 hours, woke up and was just like "Damn I have to go for a run".

I'm not even the kind of guy who goes running regulary, but I just had this immense energy. I went for a long run, then cleaned my whole appartment and started working. The delusions of grandeur were quiet extreme, if somebody asked me if I could find a cure for cancer if I'd put my energy into it I'd say yes while being 100% serious. I was really social as well, I talked to girls with a ridiculous amount of confidence, I was successful with it as well. I worked my *** of that month and was extremely productive, social and overall the way I wanted to be. I was happy.

Then the depression hit and for the last four years I feel like ****. Yeah I did some **** while being Manic, I was really aggressive and if somebody wanted a fight he got one. I kicked a glassdoor in my appartment in after being rejected by a girl I liked it left huge scars(I think it were 30 stitches) and I probably spend too much money. I had like 100k $ in the bank when I was 21 and I made 20k$ in the month I was manic(Trading Forex/Stocks since I was 18). In another manicepisode I flew to Australia, I didn't plan it I just decided I wanted to go to Australia and I spend like 2.5k on the flight because it was lastminute and another 3k on the Hotel.

The last 4 years I've done absolutely nothing, like literally nothing. I just can't focus anymore and when trading forex I just lose my concentration and start making bad trades. I lost all my friends(I was best friends with the people I went to school with since I was 10, we did everything together and were best friends for 11 years), I really dislike going outside and I guess I got socialanxiety now. I still got some money left, not much though, I know I still can make money but my head is just not in the right place to be in a high stress situation where I have to make the correct decisions in splitseconds. I've started taking antidepressants and also started studying again(Dropped out when I was 21). Now I'm looking back and all I can think off is "God I miss being manic, I miss being that person, that's who I want to be, that's who I am" but it's just gone, I haven't been manic for 4 years and I guess I probably never will be again. Now I'm just this miserable version of myself and it's killing me.

Bipolar is a very difficult and disabling illness when you are treated and trying to live you life without help. Can I ask if you are on meds of any kind, or if you are seeing a psyciatrist? Those would be some helpful steps of getting your life on track. There are also a lot of therapies that can assist in recognizing the behaviors and altering your patterns of impulsivity.

We do have a support chat for bipolar as well. Once you reach your 5 posts you will be able to enter chat. You may stop by and kind of bounce ideas of other members with bipolar disorder. You maybe can learn a little bit or help someone with your experiences.

I Wish you the best of luck in this journey and how you are able to find peace, and stability.

Hi ILS and welcome to PC! Are you in therapy? You said that your taking antidepressants, are you on other meds? Sure we all love the hypo feeling, even though it comes with its own set of special problems. Even feeling normal is most welcomed over being depressed. I can feel your disappointment and frustration. Hang around here and get some free therapy!

Hi ILS,

I can relate to a lot of this and I really struggle with the idea of who my "true self" is among all the symptoms, substance abuse etc.

What I have found helpful is that taking an inventory of the things that make me happy. Occasionally I'll just take a note on my phone along the lines of "I like being in Cafes reading a book", "I really enjoy swimming", "I love philosophy" while I recognize them. This helps me to hone in on aspects of myself I know are true through everything, and also helps me to set goals and plans into action.

Being bipolar - even in remission from mania as it seems you are - one of the *most* important things is having a routine and healthy insight. It's very important to have a sense of your own identity capital so when you are in a state of crisis you still have some sense of continuuity - like when you are depressed, you'll have a glimmer of hope reminding you that there's a foundation of self you've built for yourself that will be there at the other end of this horrible low. Similarly (though harder to maintain) when manic: you can catch yourself doing things that aren't "you" and try to reign them in.

This is important when it comes to things that will leave us regretful when we crash. Sleeping with people we don't want to, irritability, buying things we don't need or ever really wanted, etc.

Take it easy on yourself and try - when you are in a good place - to take an inventory of who *you* are. It's important to reconnect with that voice that gets drowned out by depression, mania, booze/drugs, social life etc.

Perhaps you could consider what parts of *manic* you you miss o much and find a way to recreate them in a healthy way. The running, for example, is a healthy behaviour, but when we're depressed it's easy to think "oh well, that's not really who I am so there's no point in pursuing it", so then when we're euthymic we don't do it either. If you turn it into a daily habit, make it a part of who you are, you are in essence incorporating that into your true self.

Best of luck!