[BeyondtheRainbow]

Last night the liquid valium was absolutely useless. I was awake until 6, sort of dozed until 11 alternating with being awake and doing things, slept a little and woke up when the phone rang and actually slept 2.5 hours this afternoon. So now it's night and I'm tired and agitated again and the idea of not sleeping is making me feel panicky which is not conducive to sleep.

Even my mother, who is often in denial about such things, said today she's afraid I'm going to wind up in the hospital. So am I. And not only do I not really want to be there when agitated (I always am on a little unit which is nice and I'm glad for it but it's not very big when it's all you have to pace in) I don't want to deal wtih the bills. I had surgery almost year ago on my ankle and Medicare has made the reimbursement as difficult as possible. They keep not wanting to pay because I had worker's comp claims on the other leg about 5 years ago and worker's comp doesn't close cases for 7 years. I have spenddown Medicaid but have to pay a decent amount before that kicks in. And while I've been making payments as Medicare has covered random things (right now they've paid for anesthesia and physical therapy but not the actual surgery, as little sense as that makes) I've not met my spenddown yet. And I'm not eager to add another spenddown amount to that. Plus the hospital is loud, I hate having a roommate and because it's a mood disorder unit that mainly has people with depression I often feel very annoying with my mixed/manic self. When I was there severely depressed I didn't annoy others but when I'm agitated I do and it's hard to blame them; someone who can't sit still is hard to handle when you're severely depressed. I also just know too much about it and that I like some of the staff a great deal and a few people not at all.

I just want to fix this at home. My dr didn't get back to me today which was surprising. So now I have to call her secretary and let them know I really need her to check the email and probably to call me. Which I hate doing because I know she's busy. I know it's part of her job and that she knows this is part of treating me; she's been dealing with it for 12 years so it's nothing new but ugh.

I just know what we decided last week isn't working at all. And that I really need to get some kind of rest tomorrow because Thursday I need to do something that is important and somewhat emotional and I have to keep myself together for that (painful family situation). Rest tonight would be nice too.

I feel so frustrated that I don't know what to do after so many years of dealing with this. It used to be that I had a range for dosing my Seroquel and I could handle things myself to some extent. Now I'm on so much medication that's not possible. I have a prn klonopin I can take but since I take 2 mg at bedtime already taking more at night isn't ideal, especially with the valium.

I want to feel better immediately......and instead I have to scrub the bathroom floor where my very elderly cat had a little accident. She gets UTIs and while I will deal with it if I have to I must say that feels like the last straw. It's not in my budget this month, I dont' feel like going to the vet AGAIN (during this episode my other cat had pancreatitis with shock and almost died followed days later by old cat getting a UTI) and I just can't handle more stress.

I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry this is such a turbulous time for you (((JustMeJen)))

Please take care.

Yeah sometimes the high can feel good at times and sometimes it's unbearable.

But we all know too well we're not prone to dodging any consequences of bad choices we make when we are like this.

Just have your wits about you is all I'm saying.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My highs never feel good. As a consequence I'm less likely to get into troublle. Not that I don't, but mostly I avoid people and the public because I'm a disaster on 2 legs with dysphoric mania. This one just is particularly agitated dysphoria.