[realizer]

In 2007 I was adviced by family physician that I potentially had depression after I came with complaints that I start hearing strong ringing in ears in the middle of the night and can't sleep because of this. Was diagnosed with depression, in particular bipolar disorder, social anxiety. I think bipolar disorder is type II which is hypomania after I did the test because it is not too intrusive to be unable to work and communicate. Had work stress in 2008, resigned after 2 months, got fat quickly, had insomnia and suicidal thoughts. Attended 2 psychiatrists where 1st was rude **** as he showed himself later and throughout treatment by them I was prescribed different medications like Respond, Viepax, Risperdal, sleep medications. I don't know if these helped but I know that they made me feel like a slow zombie and I stopped taking them. 2nd psychiatrist had over a couple hundred of patients which begs question: How can you get enough attention from someone if he is crammed with so many patients??? That's a deadend unless you have money to spend on private psychiatrist! Am I not correct here?

In 2010 in certain period suddenly started feeling elevated mood like being unstoppable, significant increase in motivation. Started cleaning house several times per week. Had undefined goal of just moving forward without direction just because I felt good and thus started exercising like crazy, morning, noon, evening and running 2 miles uphill and downhill everyday which resulted in hurt knees today. Lost 78 lbs in 2-years time doing what most would not unless experiencing hypomania like me. Stopped

After 6 years signed contracted work for 6 months and felt alright until I got emotionally tired of long commute and optimism of "counting hours" doing boring job was no longer there. I noticed that my creativity and productivity performing good if I eat very little so after waking at 4:30AM and having only drink of coffee and small dairy product I tried to perform at best on the job and not eat until noon at 2PM or earlier if I felt fainting. Somedays I could only drink coffee in the morning and only eat at 4PM. It was a boring job not worth the suffering because of some small paycheck but I forced myself through it since I believed I can make until end of contract to part ways with employer. I reached that goal and I am glad it's over although my health remains under question because of that experience.

I became self-employed since over 9 months ago and tried to keep my creativity and productivity levels high by cutting on food consumption but less was aggressive than at work. Today I think I realized after all these years thinking they were influenced by food are not exactly so. Whether I am fat or thin, it's a matter of attitude and what I realized influences my attitude is my mood. I have noticed that for whole winter month I have been very focused, motivated, creative, clear minded, disciplined and confident (hypomania phase) until it started to fade. Last 2 months I feel lack of optimism, lack of motivation, despair, suicidal thoughts (sometimes), brain fog or lack of mental clearity, sociophobic and lack of discipline (opposite of hypomania). This affects my own business and I need to do something about it but I don't really want to return to medications. I need to maintain the level of performance to succeed and wanted to know what solutions can community advice. I still find that I get distracted by food as I tend to enjoy it and overeat until it impairs my mental clarity and makes me lethargic. I think this may be because of my previous lack of food consumption when I worked under contract (maybe malnutrition would be correct word to describe?)

Is someone here who has own business and can relate? I am all about natural and alternative medicine and medications would be final resort.

Also I how do I determine my true behavior I was born with if I have bipolar disorder? If I have phases of hypomania and phases of depression then usually true behavior is one when I experience hypomania or depression? Both seem to go to exaggeration where one leans toward negative and another too positive. Is ther a balance in the middle that is my authentic behavior?

P.S. I am not in US

Thanks

[UpDownMiddleGround]

I am currently paying for private care for therapy and psychiatry due to the need to keep my visits as private as possible. Walking into a clinic with multiple patients waiting is not an option for me. The bills sting and I don't know long I am going to be able to keep it up but for now it is working well. I am not sure how many patients my pdoc sees, but i am always amazed when he picks up the phone when I call or returns my call within 15 minutes. It is worth it in a crisis.

I am working through the book The Bipolar Workbook because I am really trying to understand how being bipolar works. One of the activities in it gets you to define what "middle-ground" feels like. I chuckled and thought "I-Have-No-Idea." Another activity asks you to chart you personal history to help you figure out trends and triggers. Interesting stuff. I'm hoping to gain insight on how to manage myself better without a bunch of medication and/or medication changes.

You've made some interesting points. I have noticed recently that I am more productive when I eat very little. Since I am overweight, I welcome those days that I can exist off of two or three cups coffee until 1 or 2:00. My scale likes it. I guess I better watch that. Mania sucks and these days, I don't get to enjoy hypomania and then balance. It ALWAYS leads to mania.

I don't own a business, but I can relate. I have always been blessed with supervisors that bought in to my ideas that allowed me to have creative job assignments and schedules. I don't know what i would do having to do the same thing everyday. It's tough though to fly under the radar when my less productive and low confidence spells fly in from nowhere.