[down&out85]

I have been studying everything and anything under the sun I can find about bipolar for the last 4 months. My stack of books is knee-high. While I understand the science and what not of the illness, I am constantly seeking insight from those with it, or those closely affected by it. I apologize in advance for the length this will no doubt become. I will try my best to keep it concise. I'm used to writing term papers, as you will see. I thank you abundantly in advance for reading it and offering any insight.

I hope this does not get moved to the "Spouses" support group. As I am not looking for commiseration, I am looking for insight. I read this group nearly every night, and I know there are ALOT of wise people in her.

Background
My girlfriend and I have been together 8 years. She is 26, I am 29. We are both grad students. She was diagnosed depressed in her late teens, not long before we met. She currently takes 300mg of Wellbutrin, as well as Adderall and birth control. She has a history of hurts, traumas, and losses in her life, including a physically and sexually abusive boyfriend, a GOOD boyfriend who was killed tragically, a close aunt who died on 9/11, and a family that is not BAD per say, but can be distant and all sort of live in their own little rooms (literally and figuratively). Her mother also suffers with depression and alcoholism. There appears to be a history of mental illness at least on mom’s side. She has cut herself before. She is also ADD and suffers with anxiety, the big comorbids of bipolar. The last time she went through a depressive episode in 2009/2010 it really knocked her for a loop, and as is common with depression our relationship became too much for her. The episode lasted about 6 months, the last two of which she completely blocked me out of her life. During that time my father passed away. I heard nothing from her. No card, no calling hours, no flowers, nothing. It wasn't until a full month later that she finally re-connected with me and apologized for what she had done and how she had acted, and explained that it was indeed the depression. In short, she is a very fragile person. But she is also incredibly sweet, sensitive, and would never want to hurt me. After this episode, I made a point to learn ALOT about depression, but never considered more than that.

Two years ago I made a major blunder in our relationship. It was brief, emotionless, and incredibly stupid and immature of me. I will not go into the details of it, but I immediately confessed my mistake to her and knew I had done wrong. She never second-guessed staying with me and working through it, much to my relief. Even saying things like “if it takes years it will be worth it,” and “I’d rather be miserable with you than happy with anybody else.” We have been working on things for the past two years. If anything, it’s me who sometimes gets disappointed with the speed of progress, and it was her who had a positive outlook and pointed out improvements. 2014 in particular saw major strides. We traveled to Europe together (paid for by me), I helped her decide on a program and get her into grad school, I spent many weeks getting her healthcare in the new programs available here in the US. Long story short, I was the hero of her household for much of the year (we don’t live together).

Because her GPA was .1 lower than what was required to enter her grad program, she was required to take a couple preliminary semesters of classes first to prove her ability. She would need the best grades possible to be accepted into the program. Naturally, this caused a lot of stress and anxiety for her. When she did less than well on a test in October, the worry grew worse. However, other than that anxiety, things were still normal for our relationship up through November last year. The norm from her was “I could never imagine my life without you,” and “you’re all I want,” and anytime she would be nervous about her future she told me all I needed to tell her was that I’d always be there for her even if everything else crumbled. As for myself, these last two years have served as an emotional wakeup call as well. I grew up, and more in touch with my emotions. I realized I wanted to spend my life with her. Unfortunately, just as I was growing content in that mindset, everything fell apart.

The fall begins
In November her job asked her if she could work two weeks of overnight shifts. She agreed, as she needed the money (another frequent stressor for her). It was during those two weeks that I first noticed a change in mood. She was extremely fatigued, going into work at 10pm, and returning to bed around 7am, waking up for classes around 4pm, and trying to find time to study in between. We also had several frivolous arguments around this time as well… which I mostly blame myself for. On top of all this, the girls she spent those two weeks of overnights with at work were becoming her “friends” and they were regularly socializing and hanging out. One friend in particular that she latched onto just turned 21, is very shallow and high-maintenance, works at a plastic surgery place, listens to Taylor Swift, and is just very young and naïve in general. All that is fine if it’s what suits you… but these are ALL the opposite of what my girlfriend would normally want to be around. If anything, this girl is the kind of person that her and I would laugh at (not that we’re snobby, but we are more the Bob Dylan, classical music, literature, politics, intellectual types).

It was late November by the time the “I need some time and space” thing started, which was what alerted me that another episode was coming. She latched onto my mistake of two years prior, saying that she is not able to forgive me. This was a complete turn-around from what I was used to. She had never spoken in a defeatist tone about us like that. Naturally, I panicked. Within two weeks we officially had broken up. Though we continued to talk daily, she always answered my calls, and we still said “I love you.” She said she would not be able to cut and run from me even if she wanted to. I suggested couples therapy, which she agreed to. We both agreed that we would not give up without trying all last resorts. Therapy was useless, and she only attended two sessions.

I asked if she was still in love with me, she said yes. But anytime I attempted to talk about “us” it unleased a fury of anger from her. More swearing than I had ever heard from her in our entire 8 years together. I would literally be in tears on one of the line, while she was shouting at me on the other. And if I pointed out that she wasn’t being herself, or asked where the girl I knew went…. Oh boy, all hell broke loose. She did not want to be told she wasn’t being herself. I suggested she was depressed again, she never actually DENIED it, but would only say things like “it feels different this time” or “it’s something more this time.” She spoke more in terms of symptoms than diagnoses, saying things like “I just need time to figure out if this is what I really want, or if it’s just the result of stress and anxiety and exhaustion.” Sadly, she did poorer than was needed on her exams, and she calculated she would NEED two A’s and nothing less in spring to get into her program. Her own words were “I’m preparing for how crazy I’m going to be by next May.”

By mid-December my curiosity had gotten the best of me and I asked her if there was somebody else she was interested in. She admitted there was. Said they had only known each other for a couple weeks, would not tell me how they met, and that she only exchanged numbers with him to be friendly. I asked if he knew of our troubles, she said yes (talk about rolling out the red carpet for the guy). Again, I panicked. She grew incredibly defensive and angry. Eventually she told me that he is just a friend, he is a good listener, and that I had nothing to worry about. “Even if anything were to happen with him, it would be a LONG TIME down the road,” and told me that I know damn well she doesn’t just trust people that easily (which is true). So I let it go.

The bottom drops out
By Christmas things hadn’t improved. We hadn’t seen each other in person since mid-month, but still talked daily. On Christmas I got a “Merry Christmas. I love you” text from her. The following night I called her late at night and woke her up (unintentionally). I don’t know if it was because she had been sleeping and was thus calm, or if there was something else going on, but that conversation was the closest to normal we had had in 6 weeks. She was calm, loving, praising of my intelligence, said she was glad I called and wanted to talk to me, and even called me “honey” for the first time in ages. The next night’s conversation was equally as pleasant. I thought, my God, maybe some light at the end of the tunnel.

Two days later we were scheduled for another couple’s therapy, but we rescheduled for the next day because she had planned a day out with the new ditzy friend for her birthday. Then, the night before the rescheduled therapy she texts me saying, “How mad would you be if we rescheduled therapy again? Work wants me to come in tomorrow.” I wasn’t mad, I just asked her if she is taking it seriously, which initially generated some anger but she calmed and we ended the conversation on a mutual note. I asked that she please not give up on us, she responded “I’m not.”

The next day she doesn't answer my texts, doesn't answer my calls. I drive by her work and her car isn’t even there. I drive by her house and it’s in the driveway, and there’s a strange car parked out front. Her bedroom lights are off. I walk up and knock on the door. Her mother answers and the first thing she does is apologize to me. My girlfriend comes down the steps in only pajamas and tells me to leave. I see the shadow of a guy peek out of her bedroom. I lose it… and the entire neighborhood hears it. I ask who he is, she replies “my boyfriend.” I have not heard from her since. She has blocked my number and removed me completely from her life. She replaced me in a matter of a couple weeks.

Five months later
I have been in therapy for myself ever since. My therapist specializes in bipolar, and is married to somebody who is diagnosed bipolar and did virtually the same thing to her… twice. From everything I have told her, from all the statistics and likelihoods, and averages, and what not… she is convinced that my girlfriend is bipolar. I too am convinced now as well. As I am not able to see her or be around her, I’m unaware if she is rapid cycling, or has been constantly hypomanic this entire time, or if she’s currently depression. No clue. I know the dopamine rush from the Wellbutrin probably isn’t helping any, nor is the Adderall. And it seems that her most emotional periods (when she left me, and then when she pulled the thing with the new guy) are around her time of the month. But that’s all speculation until proven otherwise, I know.

She continues to see this same boy, though not in the way her and I saw each other. She never goes to his house, he only goes over her’s at night, and is usually gone by 11:00. He comes to the front door and knocks to be let in. With me, we saw each other nearly every day, and she was sad when we didn’t see each other, she would leave the entire unlocked for me and I’d stroll right in and chat with her parents, and let myself out late at night after many hours together. We also spent every weekend together. It’s all very strange. He is also two years younger than her, is a video game and Japanese cartoon fanatic, doesn’t listen to the same music, and fixes computers for a living. Again, nothing wrong with any of those things… but they are NOT what she would normally go for or associate with. I do not know if she passed this semester or not. She is still friends with the ditzy 21 year old. She has created a whole new life for herself, filled with odd/immature/young people. Her old best friend (who, along with myself, were the only people she ever confided in a spent time around before all this started) has told me that she hasn’t heard from her since February, and that she is “too cool” now to talk to her. This was eye-opening, as it’s clearly not just me who is victim of this weird behavior. There is nobody on the planet who knows what I know about her, and knows her as well as I do. These new people have no clue that something is wrong, her parents are just aloof, and the only two people who would pick up on it have been kicked out of her life. When and how does this all end? How long will it last?

I have been occasionally emailing her since March. I have an app on my phone that tells you when somebody opens your email. She has read every single one. Some have been emotional, some have been just light-hearted updates about life, some have been somewhat straight forward. One, in which I mention her mood and treatment of me, I expected to generate anger. Instead, she read it three times in a row in three days back-to-back. I don’t know how to read into that. There is no logic to any of this. If you hate me, don’t want to think about me, and want me gone from your life… why read emails filled with details and reminders that you know will made you sad?

So now I sit, alone and confused, 6 months since I last saw anything remotely familiar of the girl I loved and was planning to propose to next year. My therapist insists that I need not necessarily “move on,” but that I do need to keep moving forward. I have zero answers or closure of any sort. My heartaches all day every day, no matter how strong I try to be.
Anyway, any insight, similar experience, tips on what to do, etc is appreciated.

Thank you all.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry you are feeling so sad and depressed. Glad you are working with a therapist.

So glad you joined the Psych Central community. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Breathing exercise with normal breathing.
If you are feeling very anxious or angry or just want to calm down, you can try a breathing exercise that takes the attention away from the trigger of anxiety to a simple tool of counting breaths.

Find a comfortable position seated or laying down. Begin to relax your breathing. Silently count 1 on the inhale, and two on the exhale. Then silently count 3 on the inhale and 4 on the exhale. Continue up to 10 or until you lose the count then return to one. No judgement. I sometimes end up at 18 then smile and return to 1. The idea is to focus on the breath and the counting and not get sucked into the anxiety or anger trigger. Also works to quiet the mind.

[~Christina]

Im sorry that you have been going through such a rough time..

Sure maybe shes shown some "Bipolar" traits from what you posted... Is Bipolar the reason she ended things? there is no way to hang her actions on "Bipolar". She could have other mental illness or maybe shes just a lousy partner even tho you had a good long term relationship.

People change, change mates, friends and interests I am sorry that your relationship didn't work out.

I understand your need to find answers.... keep working with your therapist.. Learn what you can from your relationship with her and then move towards having a future that your enjoying and thriving in.

You deserve happiness don't get bogged down in the past for too long

Welcome to PC

[Nammu]

Sounds like she needs some space.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central down&out!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. It's hard to lose someone you care about and worse yet to not have closure but you must go on with your life. Having a bipolar partner as you have already seen is very taxing and difficult. Sometimes there is no reason for why moods, thoughts and feelings change. They just do. I hope you'll continue with your therapist and that you can find healing. Best wishes.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!