[Nix]

I've realized lately that there have been a lot of times when I haven't been able to properly gauge myself (my episode, problem, etc.), and/or also to see from someone else's point of view or listen to reason. Many times I've been so wrapped up in what's going on in my own head and only fully realized later how someone close to me felt about the situation. I wonder if anyone else has dealt with something like this, and what would be good ways to work toward solving this problem?

[cashart10]

The most severe episode I have ever experienced, I had no idea what was happening to me; it was gut wrenching once I realized how delusional I had been, Since then I try to reason everything, bounce things off my therapist, husband, folks on here, do what ever I can to make sure I recognize an episode and do not lose touch again. It takes a lot of practice and self awareness. That's not to say it won't ever happen again or that I always agree with their rational thinking. But I try very hard to avoid it.

[Nix]

It sounds like recognizing an episode is crucial to you and anyone else involved so that you realize you may not be in a good state of mind to make decisions.

Part of my problem is that I can't figure out my own signals to know what's an episode. I have read a lot of books about Bipolar and know the symptoms of mania and depression well, but there have been times where my therapist or others told me I was manic and I didn't see it at all. Then, sometimes I don't really feel much of anything, which seems like normality, but feeling flat can also be depression, so it's hard to answer people if they ask whether I'm depressed. Other people say to me, "this is what's happening to you," but I don't really feel anything that resonates with it. Then I become more aware of symptoms or realize I've mislabeled something, and try to share it with a professional, and I feel shut down by the people I'm talking to, like it's not really anything important and I shouldn't worry about it. Or, the thing I keep hearing is, "You need to be honest," as if somehow everything is my fault and if I would just have been forthright, none of this would be a problem.

I realize I'm not the professional, but it's also hard to get people to take me seriously, even in what I would consider a crisis. Obviously I don't want to end up in inpatient treatment or unable to care for my kids or myself, and I'm motivated to find a solution for (or better ways of coping with) these problems. But I have a history of not cooperating with treatment, and now it's hard to know whether I need to speak up and assert myself and my opinion. I don't want to just go in circles; I want to find some sort of improvement, even if it's gradual.

It's hard to know what's real and what's not real, what's important and what's not important, whether to trust myself or not trust myself, and whether to trust people around me or not. I know it's something that has to be worked out through a period of time with a counselor, but it's also frustrating if you're in a situation where you feel like you don't have years to wait for things to just magically start to improve.

[Iamalioness]

I definitely know what it's like to not recognize episodes. It can be so frustrating! I can only see it after a few weeks of coming out of the episode. I know I've learned a lot from reading threads here, so hopefully I can see it next time. Hopefully you can start to see it too.

[Nix]

Hopefully.

[wiretwister]

my pdoc says he see's it,,, I disagree,, but maybe he is right ??... I use my wife as a sounding board,,, I even ask her is she wants me to ask the doc anything.... she does ride me about my changing my meds...

[Brophy]

I just lost a girlfriend to this exact thing. Mania made me distant and hurt her emotionally time and time again. It's very tough to be in social settings when you feel like you can't trust your own thoughts. The easiest way I've found to manage this is to identify your triggers for an episode and stay away from them. Also identify the symptoms you know show when you're in an episode. If you have to, write them down and carry them with you and check them daily. Every morning I sit and write out three pages of what is on my mind just to place myself for the day and if I have an episode during the day I stop what i'm doing and write down my feelings and thoughts to work through it. It's not always feasible to do this but when I can it helps.

[Nix]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

my pdoc says he see's it,,, I disagree,, but maybe he is right ??... I use my wife as a sounding board,,, I even ask her is she wants me to ask the doc anything.... she does ride me about my changing my meds...

That makes sense to ask someone who observes your behavior regularly if there's anything you should ask at your appts. I don't ever mind saying someone else is right and I'm wrong, but it's frustrating if people feel they see something or are right about something that I don't recognize or relate to.

Originally Posted by Brophy

It's very tough to be in social settings when you feel like you can't trust your own thoughts. The easiest way I've found to manage this is to identify your triggers for an episode and stay away from them. Also identify the symptoms you know show when you're in an episode. If you have to, write them down and carry them with you and check them daily.

I've never thought about identifying triggers, so that's definitely worth considering. I don't really know if I can identify an episode at this point, but I think I could learn to identify whatever causes my behavior or emotions to change, maybe. Writing definitely helps me too. I have been trying to organize my thoughts this week, and had flurries of thoughts written on scraps of paper… then when I finally put them in groups with other similar thoughts, I started to see patterns and felt like I was untangling my brain and making some kind of progress.