I'm not bp, I'm just not healthy enough

I keep having this thought reoccur over and over in my head for years. I've been able to keep things together with relatively few extreme incidents without going on medication. The therapists I've seen have both told me I need medication but I've always avoided it. My gp, who I tell almost nothing to, says I'm not bp and has but me on different diets, suggested anti-depressants, referred me to counseling and psychiatrists to which I have never gone. I love my gp for everything but this. She suggested a natural positive mood supporter which I love and has helped a lot. I always go back and forth in my mind about whether I believe I have bp2 or not. Sometimes I am 100% I have it, and others that I am weak and simply need to be more disciplined about how I feel and express myself, and other times that I need to be on a more strict schedule with sleeping and eating. Because of this never ending debate, I never feel comfortable with seeking more serious help or with confiding in people. I even have trouble being honest with myself about how I have felt in the past, seeing mood swings or seeing lack of regard for my own life.
I already know tomorrow is going to be bad since I have to be up for work in 4 hours, find my job boring, and hate being too tired to go to the gym after work. I've been so good about my schedule and eating but slipped today and skipped a meal which throws off the little bit of balance that my life possess.

I've heard this is quite common for ppl with bp. I also experience this often as well. (*i am in no way trying to push drugs on you*) the only way I have actually been able to reflect is when I succumb to meds. When I feel even I look back and see the crazy train I was on. I, too, can achieve normal without meds sometimes but even that "normal" isn't as normal when I would take and stay on meds long enough to see them work.

I hope you find some peace with all of it. May I suggest crossing the hurdle of being open with the right people. Btw kudos on keeping to a healthy lifestyle that's more than I can say for myself blah.

It's been suggested to me that I go on medication many times but I don't think I would be able to stay on them. I've heard going off can make it worse than it was prior to starting meds. I've been told by enough that I'm bipolar that I should be able to believe it but my mind keeps alternating between believing it and thinking that I'm just weak and can't control my emotions. It occupies my mind far too much.

Do you enjoy your life as it is? Are you able to enjoy things? Are you taking care of whatever responsibilities you have? Rent/mortgage, bills etc?

Your doing all the med free healthy ways of managing your life that everyone MI or not should be doing. So good job!

Bottom line.... If your living your life and not having problems then no need to add harsh chemicals

I have been able to take care of large responsibilities like rent and such but I've always had a safety net of family too. I don't however do do well with taking care of things when I get stressed out and explode. Just last month I punched my rearview mirror while driving on a freeway to a job interview.it obviously broke and feel off the ceiling of the car. I tend to punch a lot of things, throw my phone (even out of the car), and break things. So that I definitely don't enjoy. I don't tend to feel like I really enjoy things. Either I'm simply aware that I should be happy or I'm overly happy and it doesn't fit the situation. It feels like once in a while I'm on point and things are right but mostly things just don't feel like they seem they should feel.