Parenting and bipolar-it's so hard.

mom2trips+1 · 02:07 PM

I am 47 years old and have 4 children. One is a Freshman in college, out of state, and and 3 are 10 year old triplets in the 4th grade. I have so much daily guilt that due to this disorder I am not the kind of parent I would like to be...

Due to severe anxiety and depression, I cannot take the triplets out very often or have other children over to our house. I don't interact with them as much as I would like because I am a nervous wreck. I do hug them, tell them I love them, ask them how school was, help with homework, cook them meals. But I don't do anything "extra." I feel like it's all I can do the "meet the minimal daily parenting requirement."

Luckily, my husband takes them places ( movies, bowling, etc.) every weekend but I just can't participate. I am just too symptomatic most all the time to go.

It makes me sad but also angry that due to BP they don't have the mom they deserve.

And this all causes guilt, obsessive worrying, and the cycle continues and continues...

Does anyone else feel this way?

________________________________
BP I
PTSD

Meds: Abilify, Depakote, Xanax, Wellbutrin

wiretwister · May 24, 2015, 02:00 PM

my kids are much older but I never do anything with them on weekends,, as I usually never leave the house.... I feel no guilt or such,. it's just how I am... sometimes we just have to accept things as they are,, of course that does not mean we should stop trying to make them better...

violet66 · May 24, 2015, 03:07 PM

YES. A million times yes. I live and breathe guilt because I cannot be the parent I want to be to my 2 teen girls. I also worry I am setting a bad example for them with my behavior. I am a single mom and there have been many times I have needed to be hospitalized but it just wasn't possible and they had to see me a total helpless mess. So yes I relate 100%!

mom2trips+1 · May 24, 2015, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by violet66

YES. A million times yes. I live and breathe guilt because I cannot be the parent I want to be to my 2 teen girls. I also worry I am setting a bad example for them with my behavior. I am a single mom and there have been many times I have needed to be hospitalized but it just wasn't possible and they had to see me a total helpless mess. So yes I relate 100%!

Thank you for your response. I am glad someone can relate although I feel for you that you have the same problem I do. I live and breathe guilt also. I don't know how you do it being a single mom. Hang in there!

mom2trips+1 · May 24, 2015, 03:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wiretwister

my kids are much older but I never do anything with them on weekends,, as I usually never leave the house.... I feel no guilt or such,. it's just how I am... sometimes we just have to accept things as they are,, of course that does not mean we should stop trying to make them better...

You know, acceptance of this would be a good thing. I have never even thought of accepting it as "my normal"; I just live feeling guilty. I am going to try to start thinking of it this way. Thanks for your perspective.

cashart10 · May 24, 2015, 08:55 PM

Amen! I grew up with so much more structure and expectations than my kids will ever have. They have gone to sleep in their clothes for about a month straight because it is so much easier than to upkeep the laundry when you are out of your mind. The condition of my home is mood congruent so if my house is a mess they are allowed (only by default) messy rooms. If it is cleaned, they are required clean rooms. SUCH mixed lessons. Countless times they see me cry and ask "Mommy what's wrong" and stare at my face. They have eaten cereal for breakfast and pizza for dinner more times than I care to admit despite my being a stay at home mom, mostly because I just don't understand/can't figure out what to fix. It overwhelms me. I too am not involved with them it seems. It just makes me so sad. Anyway, I could go on and on but I am stealing your thread. I have three kiddos, aged 1 - 7 and I really do know how you feel. I can't imagine having triplets, btw, that is amazing and wonderful I'm sure!

raspberrytorte · May 24, 2015, 09:22 PM

Yes. I feel the guilt.

Our daughter is three and has a slight language delay and is really shy around other kids, and I think it's my fault because I almost never take her out, and when I do I don't randomly talk to other moms and their kids. I'm always afraid the moms are judging me and that their kids are going to make fun of her. And it would be double sad because she wouldn't fully understand because of the language delay thing.

I think the language delay is my fault because I took sertraline while I was pregnant (25mg every night). Both OB and then pnp said it was safe and okay, and everyone, including me, thought it would be best so I wasn't depressed and severely anxious while pregnant. I felt I was doing the best thing. Obviously not. Huge **** up.

Sometimes I cry around her, and it makes her really upset, and one time she got really frantic and sat by me, and said, "Mommy sad. It's okay. It's okay." And then she handed me her favorite stuffed animal (this polar bear that has seriously seen better days. She takes it everywhere with her).

And then when I get really angry, she's always like, "Mommy's mad!"

And now I feel really bad because I'm worried she's already inherited some of my anxiety. I was an anxious kid. An anxious for no reason kid. I used to get stomach aches and was afraid to talk to my classmates.

I don't know. I could be a better mom. Occasionally I feel detached from her, like when I had PPD.

This whole thing is making me cry. I feel so bad for her, that she has me as a mom and is probably going to inherit my MI.

Redsiren · May 25, 2015, 12:39 AM

I too feel the same way. I promise my kids that I will do something or that we will go somewhere and I constantly tell them we will do it tomorrow or that I don't have time. I do have time. I don't have to wait until tomorrow. The guilt eats at me every time and I can see where they are starting to not believe me at all when I say something. Breaks my heart.

Woolly Bugger · May 25, 2015, 01:49 AM

I think all of you moms are being too hard on yourselves and are probably a lot better at parenting than you think you are. All children really need to be happy and healthy is food, clothing, a warm bed, and love. The rest is just icing on the cake. You deserve a lot of credit for raising children and simultaneously coping with a serious disability. I'm sure all of your children are quite healthy and happy. As long as they are safe, they will grow up to be wonderful adults who love and respect you.

May 25, 2015, 08:48 AM

I feel the exact same way. I have a 17 year old, who, I think understands, somewhat, what's going on. He was in the last family meeting when I was in the hospital.

The issue is with my 2 year old. My mood swings are affecting him huge. I was irritable and quite depressed lately. Yesterday, when I was feeling somewhat ok, he said "mommy happy". It just breaks my heart. I'm in tears thinking about it.

Please don't be hard on yourself. A lot of us have struggles with parenting. You are not alone.

jacky8807 · May 25, 2015, 10:02 AM

member of the guilt club right here

i worry that my sons own emotions whether they inherit this or not will be up and down because mine are.
When the black depression comes and cant get out of bed and they KNOW its not "normal"
im afraid to get close to other mothers because sure i can be sociable and all that for a while but then i may drop off the face of the planet into depression or go nuts and be in the hospital
all we can do is try our best and make sure they know we love them i guess

mom2trips+1 · May 25, 2015, 10:05 AM

I share all the concerns you guys have voiced. I hope food, shelter, clothes, and hugs are enough. Cause at times, I can barely even do that. Like someone posted, the rest is "icing on the cake." I think we can just try and do the best we can. That's all we can do.

Homeira · May 25, 2015, 11:29 AM

I have the same issues. My 13teen-year old son has to cook and clean a bit here. But I guess in a way it is good for him, he learns a thing or two about house-work. All I can say is that it normally gets easier the older they get. Main thing is that they know that they are loved.
My parents never did a single thing with us. It was a different time, and parents were not expected to do things "with" their kids.
I grew up on a farm, and it was quite labor-intensive. My parents did not have the energy to play with us or do "special" things. They loaded us into the car once a year and took us for a camping-trip. Never had enough money. There were activities we could not take part in because of the money-situation. We had to wear hand-me-downs. Etc.
Special time with my mom consisted of her teaching us how to cook and clean, and with my dad it as how to work on the farm. But we knew we were loved. Most important.

ViciousCycle07 · May 25, 2015, 12:46 PM

My daughter will soon be 7. She splits her time between my house and the ex's house so she has an outlet. I do my best to get out and take her places that aren't part of her "extras". When she has an "extra" ie cheer, tumbling or karate I force myself to stay. To stay in the observation room. To talk with other parents or at least pretend to participate. If that's the only thing I've done all day I'm exhausted. If I actually went to work I'm beyond exhausted. I literally walk in the door and go directly to bed.
I feel like she's getting the short end of the stick.

bluemountains · May 25, 2015, 01:21 PM

Wow, Mom2trips+1,
I believe you and I are almost the same person! I have a daughter who has just finished her freshman year of college, and 15-year old male triplets who are finishing ninth grade.
Sometimes parenting is so tough! I need to add that one of my boys has an IEP for high functioning autism (asperger's) and a speech problem. Another takes meds for ADHD. Their needs along with mine make it super hard to perform the needed parenting roles. Today I am staying in my room away from the rest of the family because it is a teary day. Tomorrow my husband has to go and deal with discipline issues for one of the boys. I can't go because of work demands, but I will somehow have to figure out a way to stay in control while I wait to hear what happened.
I am not meaning to highjack your expressed needs with my own stories. I just want you to know that I definitely get it. My solution, although very unhealthy, is to find a peaceful place and hide out from the world. This is a bit tougher with 10-year olds. Good luck!
Bluemountains

wildflowerchild25 · May 25, 2015, 01:32 PM

I also feel like a terrible parent. My son is four so he is still young and he is very high energy. I am very irritable when I am depressed or manic and touching and sound get me upset. Obviously my son is right in my face all day and loves to climb on me and call "mommy" over and over again. So I get frustrated and I yell at him or grab his arm and squeeze it. I've never hurt him but I've come close. I feel terrible every time. Sometimes if I blow up and put my hands on him I immediately seriously contemplate suicide.

I try my hardest to play with him and take him out because my mom, felled by at least depression if not bp, never did that with me and it hurt me. It was tough growing up being basically alone all the time.

Sometimes I think I should have never had him. But I wasn't symptomatic when we decided to have a baby so I didn't believe I had bp. If I had known I probably would have said no kids to my husband.

I love him though. More than anything.

May 25, 2015, 01:39 PM

Yes, yes, yes yes!!!! My husband doesn't understand why I feel so guilty. Hugs to you.

Fuzzybear · May 25, 2015, 01:42 PM

Homeira · May 25, 2015, 02:23 PM

As long as children aren't neglected or abused, and know that they are loved, I think they will be ok. But of course they have to deal with some issues that other children don't have to. But there is not much we can do about that, we can only do our best.
I also think it is very important to be open with children. They need to know why mommy is sad. If they don't know, they will form their own ideas about why, and they might even blame themselves. Growing up with a cronically ill parent doesn't have to mean that they are suffering.
When children are in distress, there are non-verbal signals we can look for. Are they regressing in age-appropriate development? Do they have tummy-aches a lot? Do they withdraw from peers? Are they not playful? Bed-wetting? Self-harm? Violent behaviour? If thet is the case, then maybe family-therapy is an option. I have a really hard time coping as a parent some times (am single mom also). Maybe we are the ones struggling more than they are.

Capriciousness · May 25, 2015, 04:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10

Amen! I grew up with so much more structure and expectations than my kids will ever have. They have gone to sleep in their clothes for about a month straight because it is so much easier than to upkeep the laundry when you are out of your mind. The condition of my home is mood congruent so if my house is a mess they are allowed (only by default) messy rooms. If it is cleaned, they are required clean rooms. SUCH mixed lessons. Countless times they see me cry and ask "Mommy what's wrong" and stare at my face. They have eaten cereal for breakfast and pizza for dinner more times than I care to admit despite my being a stay at home mom, mostly because I just don't understand/can't figure out what to fix. It overwhelms me. I too am not involved with them it seems. It just makes me so sad. Anyway, I could go on and on but I am stealing your thread. I have three kiddos, aged 1 - 7 and I really do know how you feel. I can't imagine having triplets, btw, that is amazing and wonderful I'm sure!

Kids day clothes and pajamas are so similar! And it does save on laundry and it saves you the fit and fuss they may have in being changed/ changing their clothes. I do it often even when I feel fine.

And cereal and pizza are just fine. No worries. Lots of kids have worse or less.

I do it too even when I'm fine. we give ourselves a hard time because we are good moms who care m

Capriciousness · May 25, 2015, 04:56 PM

I've got three under six. There are so many of us! Lean in everyone lean in!

Capriciousness · May 25, 2015, 04:59 PM

I don't exactly know what that lean in thing means. But I've heard of it and I had two glasses of wine. Ha!

rdadger2003 · Jun 03, 2015, 12:56 PM

You all sound like your bipolar children are still young. I wish I had know "bipolar" in the 1990's when my daughter was in her early twenties. Just thought she thought differently then me and the ups and downs weekly was a mystery. You see I spent years and years with her going through her episodes and when she did she would take her kids away from me for months at a time and didn't talk to me. This went on until the kids were adults. Now more serious her husband of 15 years left her suddenly and her bipolar is full blown. She is a certified nurse and hasn't worked in the field for almost a year, she has been out of control refuses medication and does dangerous things. The horrible things she says to me hurts so much, suddenly I am the cause of every problem in her life, I am the evil one then she cuts me off. Her father came back into her life and he is bipolar and chooses to live on the streets. They get together and all hell breaks loose. I have read books and I know it isn't me she hates. I am so afraid she will totally get lost in the manic part of her life and I will loose her. Any one else experience this?

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