[Becoming]

Hi all,

So sometimes I get to fighting with myself in my head. It can get pretty bad sometimes too.

When something imperfect happens-meaning something doesn't turn out how I pictured it-I usually get angry over it. I keep the anger in my head, but part of me wants to explode. That causes the arguments with myself...the "two me's."
It is like this:

Angry me: F her. I cannot believe she would F'in do that. What the F? I should tell her off.

Rational me: Chill out. This is a small thing. It is not the end of the world. Lashing out at her will do you no good and it is not worth your time or hurting someone else.

Angry me: F that. I don't care what she thinks. She should not have done that!

Rational me: But how will you feel afterwards? You will not like yourself. You will feel guilty. You promised yourself you would be a better you and change the way you respond to things.

Angry: Well I have a right to be angry!

Rational me: Yes, just don't do anything stupid.

So I guess I can calm myself down after a while. Picture all of that in really fast cluttered thinking though. I call this my impulse mode. In the past, my anger has lead me to do or say things I'm not proud of.

Now, I do not like to bring up the past, but I can recall shortly after my ex and I broke up (9 months ago), I flipped **** on her. In fact, that wasn't really uncommon in our relationship (but during our relationship she treated me poorly which is a whole other topic). I would be up in the middle of the night repeatedly thinking how ****** she was. Before I knew it, I'd whip out my phone and send her a nasty message. Of course in the morning I would regret it. I would get myself in terrible states of mind where I'd glug some vodka and/or cut myself. I'm not looking to get into that place in my mind again. It is not fun and does not feel good.

All this was happening during my final year of college. It is a wonder I passed the year. I was a total mess. I'm better now, but I'm still working on myself.

On a somewhat different topic, I've come home from college for a while. I'm looking for a place to move and work now. For some weird reason I've been talking to an ex from five years ago who treated me ******. Did not bother me much. I think it's partially because I'm lonely. Other than that what possessed me to reach out to a horrible person is pretty well unknown. Can anyone relate to this...talking to people you really should not?

My questions to you all would be:
--How do you manage impulsiveness?
--How do you deal with intense emotions?
--If you can, how do you stop intense emotions from coming in the first place?
--Can you think of a situation where you overreacted because of impulse and/or intense emotion?
--How do these things effect your relationships with others?

Thanks all.

[~Christina]

DBT might help you. It helps you learn how to stop and think before you react. DBT is the standard treatment for BPD but I honestly think the process would be helpful to anyone that has internal struggles.

I argue with myself a lot. Therapy ha helped me alot. Are you seeing a T ?

[Crazy Hitch]

There's a lot in your post Becoming, I hope I'm not being dismissive of things you wrote, but quick before I answer your questions from a personal point of view - I get "angry" mania at the worst of times ... ughh my anger during mania can suck. When I'm stable I'm okay.

My questions to you all would be:
--How do you manage impulsiveness?

By nature, even when I'm not in an episode I'm impulsive and it can get me in trouble that's for sure. It's something I'm still working on. From simple things like when I go to the grocery store I can go through phases where I keep picking up pasta for no reason or just buying stuff I don't need or is of no use to me - it's not a good habit at all. So I try to stick to a list and have a clear idea in my mind because I can just recycle / throw out stuff I don't need that I don't even know why on earth I bought it in the first place so many times.

--How do you deal with intense emotions?

Journal - okay that's usually when I'm depressed - then I burn it. Literally. I don't like reading over what I've written when I'm no longer depressed (but hey that's just me). I've said quite a few times the last few days I want a kickboxing bag (or whatever you call them) hung up somewhere in my house so I can just kick it when I really need to let go of stress.

--If you can, how do you stop intense emotions from coming in the first place?

I don't have an answer for this. They can zap me out of nowhere.

--Can you think of a situation where you overreacted because of impulse and/or intense emotion?

Heaps.
Far too many to even begin listing.
Honest.

--How do these things effect your relationships with others?

Negatively.

I've hurt a lot of people in the process.

[lunaticfringe]

Originally Posted by Becoming

Can anyone relate to this...talking to people you really should not?

My questions to you all would be:
--How do you manage impulsiveness?
--How do you deal with intense emotions?
--If you can, how do you stop intense emotions from coming in the first place?
--Can you think of a situation where you overreacted because of impulse and/or intense emotion?
--How do these things effect your relationships with others?

Thanks all.

Hi. I don't know if I will be much help but I wanted to share my experience.

YES I can relate to talking to people I really "shouldn't". Part of me knows I shouldn't and another part of me thinks if it's what I WANT to do then I should do it. And 9 times out of 10 I will do it. The rational side of me is not very strong I'm afraid. I am currently involved in an emotional relationship with an ex of mine who treated me badly but who I could not seem to get over, and still haven't. This is a bad thing especially because I am currently engaged. I just cannot control the impulse to contact him. And again I rationalize it by saying if it's what I WANT to do than I should.

I manage my impulsiveness very poorly. The impulsive side of me is so much stronger than the rational side that it is very near impossible. Also the impulsive side is a lot more persuasive than my rational side and seems to think she has better ideas.

I also deal with intense emotions poorly. I often act according to them, which is probably not good. Last night I was feeling extremely hyper and agitated and I decided to take my medication and read a book about bipolar. So that was a good move on my part. Also if I'm irritable or something and taking it out on someone else I can apologize for the way I'm acting even though I may not be able to control myself. I cannot stop intense emotions from coming. Looking into a medication change and seeing if that helps.

I can think of many instances where I've overreacted because of an intense emotion. Usually it is involving my partner and I end up going totally nuts on him. It puts a lot of strain on our relationship but luckily he is very understanding. My impulsiveness has also caused me to get back involved with this ex of mine and to question whether I should even be with my current partner. I am always questioning, who is the true me? My rational side, or my impulsive side?

[prettykitten]

I used to have a huge problem talking to people I knew were bad for me. After it hurt several relationships I recognized the behavior pattern and decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore. It's been hard sometimes, especially when I'm having trouble dealing with my emotions because a part of me thinks that even bad support is better than no support. I've begun to call and talk to people I know are part of my "good support" system.

~Christina hit the nail on the head. DBT can be a huge help!

Originally Posted by Becoming

My questions to you all would be:
--How do you manage impulsiveness?
--How do you deal with intense emotions?
--If you can, how do you stop intense emotions from coming in the first place?
--Can you think of a situation where you overreacted because of impulse and/or intense emotion?
--How do these things effect your relationships with others?

When I start feeling impulses (especially spending money), I stop (sometimes physically stopping and standing still) and I ask myself what emotion I'm feeling that is giving me the impulse. I then ask myself what else I can do to help myself deal with the emotion. It sounds great in theory, but it has taken me a lot of practice. It was something I started working on about ten years ago when I was in therapy for my ADHD and depression. At first, all I could manage was just identifying the emotion driving the impulse and then doing what I felt compelled to do. It's a process. Don't worry if working on these things takes time.

It depends on the emotion as to how I deal with it. Sometimes a good long scream helps if I'm feeling overwhelmed or aggravated. Sadness I counteract with looking at humorous pictures and stories online. I journal (like Hooligan, I don't like looking back at my depressed writings). Sometimes just working it out on paper helps me immensely. A "first line of defense" thing I do to work with my emotions is meditation and deep breathing. At first I used the free app 'headspace' for it's ten day guided meditation. It helped teach me some basics and I probably use them at least once a day.

I can't keep myself from feeling things intensely. I will occasionally tell people I can't talk about a certain subject if I start getting too worked up. After I worked myself into a tizzy about politics while talking to my older brother, I asked him if we could change the subject so that I could calm down. We then spent the next 30 minutes talking about transformers. lol

There is no way to even number how many times I have overreacted due to emotion or followed bad impulses. So many times I have reviewed my behavior and my response was "well, I could have handled that better..."

The impact on my relationship with those around me is ALWAYS negative.

I hope I've helped. I know it's a long read.

[cashart10]

My questions to you all would be:

--How do you manage impulsiveness? I don't? ha! But seriously, this is hard on me when I am manic. If I am not manic, I am fairly rational and when I am manic I am either too sick to realize my lack of self control or too grandiose to care.

--How do you deal with intense emotions? Generally speaking, at times when I am able, I have a good cry which helps me to feel better, no matter if it's depression, great joy, anger, or fear. If I am not able to cry or am in a place where it is not appropriate to do so, I try to take a step back and take deep breaths, in through my nose out through my mouth. This usually keeps me from an unbecoming reaction.

--If you can, how do you stop intense emotions from coming in the first place? Again, I try deep breathing but sometimes it is just inevitable.

--Can you think of a situation where you overreacted because of impulse and/or intense emotion? Absolutely, ha! Most notably in anger. I had my electric company on the phone and I was complaining about a "misunderstanding," when I didn't get my way, I ended up screaming my head off to this poor associate. I mean SCREAMING!!! Then there was the time I was out of my mind manic and my husband went to the wrong grocery store (or one that displeased me). Instead of just going to Kroger, he went to GFS (a wholesale store) and came home with items in bulk. Well, my annoyance at the bulk of groceries quickly turned to rage and I once again lost my mind and started screaming and even throwing things. I was out of control. Once, I was so afraid someone was trying to break into the house I almost hid with my children in the closet. Instead, I took us all downstairs and just paced back and forth. Another time, I was sitting outside with the kids and this fear so big came over me, I thought it was an outside spirit (who later I believed was a messenger angel) trying to possess me. I ran inside, hit my knees and BEGGED the Lord to take this from me. Once stable, I recognized this as just a panic attack. While manic and elated, I seem "ignorant as hell." Then, if you want something truly crazy, I became obsessed with my mentor and I truly could not control the amount of emails and sometimes phone calls I sent/made to her. I even sent her an email telling her I was obsessed with her and that I could have my husband "hide my laptop" because of my lack of control. Manic? Yes. Embarrassing? As hell once I came down.

--How do these things effect your relationships with others? My anger, which usually only shows itself when manic and is practically the only thing controlled by meds, caused a lack of confidence in my relationship with my husband and fear in my children of me. My fear and extreme anxiety drives my husband crazy and teaches my children to worry. When I am depressed and cry constantly, it scares my children and tears their little hearts apart. It rather makes my husband angry (because he can't handle it and because he hates when I'm like that in front of the kids). My elation brings joy to my children and annoyance to my husband. This is the number one way he recognizes my mania. The obsession causes a distance between whoever is the object of my obsession and me. It also, if my husband recognizes it, causes my husband to believe I am EXTREMELY sick.

[Capriciousness]

I could write a book but I am about to see my Pdoc. So I will say that I think the major thing/theme in all of those questions for me is awareness. I think being aware of it is huge. I have been trying to improve in this area forever and things have gotten better. I can learn to manage things but I accept that I will always be um fiery.

And I think having that rational voice that tries to communicate with the angry self is sort of the big key there. So that makes me feel like you are doing a great job already. The hard part for me is when I lose that voice in the moment or other times when I do hear it saying "stop talking. Stop talking now. Stop talking. You sound insane. Stop talking. He didn't do anything wrong and you know it. STOP TALKING". And I just keep going.