[wildflowerchild25]

It has been a month since my husband died suddenly in the night. A month since my life changed forever. It's been a very tough month, complete with self harm and a hospital trip.

But I'm doing ok. I'm not depressed. I mean of course I am but I can tell the difference between an episode and just situational and I am not in an episode. Ironically it's probably the most stable I've been in months. I had a bad weekend but it was from missing my meds for three nights. As soon as I started them again I went back to being ok.

I still cry every day. I write to my husband sometimes. Sometimes I yell at him for taking those drugs and leaving us behind. Sometimes it's just to talk to him about my da I think that's the worst part. Whenever something happens to me my first instinct is to text my husband and I can't. So I write to him. I inevitably cry when I write, but it's a release. I feel better afterward. I still miss him terribly, but I feel a little better after "talking" to him.

I know it's silly but o feel like he is still here, holding my hand and helping me get through each day. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, including losing my father and dealing with all the nonsense from Bp. This is the worst. But I'm doing it.

My son was a holy terror this weekend. He wasn't listening at all and was having tantrums over the dumbest things. It was really hard to do without my husband there to help me. Usually he would take over if I got overwhelmed. But I'm by myself now. And I have to remember that my son is hurting in his own way, even though he doesn't truly understand what's happening. All he knows is he hasn't seen his father in over a month. He doesn't understand where he went or why. None of us understand why. Except me. I know exactly what drove him to drugs. And even though I am so sorry he felt like he had to turn that way, I'm so thankful he didn't lie to me about anything else. Because at least I know and understand where he was. It makes it a little easier. Because I've been there. I've almost killed myself by self harm or self medicating. I'm thankful that I haven't. My husband didn't know what would happen. He just wanted relief from the mental anguish he was experiencing. I understand that. I'm still mad at him, I will have to find it in my heart to forgive him, but that comes with time.

I guess my point is that despite all this, I am still ok. And it gives me hope for the future, that maybe now I'll be able to handle my episodes more maturely and have less need for hospitalization, especially because I have a son To raise on my own now. That hurts. But I think I'm seeing that I can do it.

Stay strong everyone. If I can stay stable thoughout the worst thing that's ever happened to me, anyone has hope to achieve stability. I may not stay stable forever, but for now I'm ok. And that's all I can ask. It will come. Just be patient and know that you're stronger than you realize. That's what I've come to see.

Hugs to all.

[loophole]

I'm so sorry. . Words don't come close to doing any justice.. How you've come this far In such a short time speaks volumes of your character...

Sent from my iPhone 6 plus using Tapatalk

[cashart10]

You are beautiful and strong and full of compassion. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I cannot even imagine. You are so brave in your weakness! Please keep sharing with us.

[Nammu]

That's beautiful wildflowerchild

[HALLIEBETH87]

I am sorry youre in so much pain. We're here for you.

[~Christina]

You are so very strong Being "Ok" is a good place to be right now.

I admire your strength and courage through this difficult time

[BipolaRNurse]

You are incredible and beautiful and amazing. God bless you. ((((HUGS))))

[Wander]

You are an exceptional human being. Thank you so much for sharing your strength and hope. I wish you only peace.

Powerful stuff, wildflowerchild. The words. You. All of it.

[LettinG0]

Yes. What everyone else has said. I am so glad you have gotten to "ok"

thanks for the compassion and inspiration

[Nix]

wishes for peace and strength during this difficult time…

[Trippin2.0]

It's not silly to want to text him or that you write to him. I promise.


For a long time, I would still text and email my brother, I even wrote on his FB wall a few times, knowing very well he couldn't respond... My mom adopted my dad's phone number, but I still had it listed as "daddy" for like 3 years. It brought me comfort.


I found these things to be therapeutic.


And hell, if it is actually silly, well then we're silly together, the both of us.


Ps. Its been 5 years and I still walk through the door wanting to tell my dad something I just saw.

We adjust eventually.


You're an amazing woman WFC, don't you dare forget that!