[BeyondtheRainbow]

Since I've been reading on here I've noticed a lot of people describe seeing people or things out of the corner of their eye that seem like a shadow and I think that they refer to them as hallucinations.

I've had times that I've had clear hallucinations like this but I've counted it as hallucinations only when it was moving, like birds flying at me. I have thought that seeing still black figures from the edge of visions was just normal; I've blamed it on hyperacuity since it does happen mostly when I'm somewhere on the manic spectrum.

So does that mean that I've actually had hallucinations I've been ignoring as nothing for years? Compared to the hallucinations I've had lately that were much more real and scary these are so small and not scary (just things that aren't really there when I look closely or after a minute or two) but definitely a real part of life for me.

I have to talk to my pdoc about having had more psychosis than ever before and now I'm wondering if I've had it all along and labeled it differently simply because it didn't scare me.

Have I been wrong or have I understood what others describe wrong?

Thanks!

[Trippin2.0]

According to my friends and family, they all see things from out of the corner of their eyes at one point or another. Sometimes its a trick of the light, or your eyes adjusting to a change in light or idk, stuff.


So as far as I have ever been concerned these are not hallucinations if all the "normals" I know experience them too.


Or maybe everyone I know should be taking APs? Idk I could be wrong. Lmao


To me, a hallucination is very "pure" quite "full on" if you know what I mean. Something definitive I can describe, be it visual, olfactory, tactile or auditory. And its something I can't explain away by any other environmental factor, like light, shadows, music, or fatigue.


This has been a good, healthy stance for me to take, or else I would be hallucinating much more regularly than I currently report.


Other members would certainly disagree with me on this, but no, I would not mention corner of your eye stuff to a pdoc.


I can't speak for others, but for one, it would make the pdoc either worry unnecessarily that I was declining, change my dx or try and or drug me up the waazoo.


Two, it would make me feel as if I were attention seeking. Because really now, corner out my eye stuff doesn't bug me at all. It's when I smell rotting corpses or my computer screen rearranges itself in "matrix" like fashion, or I'm hearing someone shout profanities at me all day relentlessly when they actually feel worth mentioning.


Three, I would believe I'm much more messed up than I am.


Again, my disclaimer: But that's just me.

[CopperStar]

I tend to get delusions without hallucinations, and hallucinations without delusions.

I've always thought this makes it difficult to identify my psychosis, because even when I'm hallucinating, I am still lucid in the sense that I know it's not real and that others can't see it and to just ignore it. So I just do, and don't consider myself "psychotic."

Then when I get delusional, I can't remember having hallucinations while delusional, will put it that way to be fair. So there is usually nothing that 'gives me away' when I am delusional, because I still tend to be rather strategic and persuasive. But it's not like I'm gonna be like, "The pictures were watching me and smirking at me!"

And when the pictures are watching me and smirking at me, I know better than to say anything.

So it's tough to call it when it's happening, I guess. And it's hard to call it "psychosis" if I know hallucinations aren't real. So I've definitely gotten used to them. I don't really consider it me being psychotic when I see shadow people, things moving or pulsating, weird stuff in the sky, etc.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Since I've been reading on here I've noticed a lot of people describe seeing people or things out of the corner of their eye that seem like a shadow and I think that they refer to them as hallucinations.

There is a nation wide radio talk show that receives calls about this all the time, they call it seeing "shadow people" , it is very common. ... I believe it is a natural issue with our eye structure. ... I would not let it bother me at all ....

[BeyondtheRainbow]

This is about what I've always thought; normal enough. I know when I'm sitting in my therapists' office and there is a big, huge black rat on the floor and I need to watch it to be sure it doesn't jump on either of us that this is a problem (which I have yet to admit to either of them.....probably should do that sometime soon) but things that seem harmless never seemed to be an issue (and like I said I mostly get this with hyperacuity when all my senses are on high alert anyway which makes it even more questionable; I can hear things then that I can't hear normally as well and I know those things aren't hallucinations).

It sounds like my "if it scares me it might be a problem" rule is realistic enough. I generally either know what is going on is not right when it happens and can talk myself through it despite being afraid or I know soon after that it's ok and I can work through it then. Like with the rat in the therapist's office, I knew enough to look at him and see if he was alarmed and when I could tell he wasn't I just kept my eye on the rat and didn't panic (much although I could feel panic building in case I needed it) because I knew he would react if it were real since nobody would calmly let a rat that big sit in their office. He's never seen me completely freak out and he almost did that day.

There's something about how alive the things seem that matters too. Seeing a person in the periphery isn't that troubling; a person walking down the hill toward me is more scary because that person could be a threat if they are real. PTSD probably has a role in here too. It often does.

There is still an uncomfortable discussion ahead of why so much more psychosis (paranoia was a bigger issue than the hallucinations (although one hallucination may be persisting and I don't know) and I was terrified of it and more delusional about it than anything hallucinated except for one hallucination that also wasn't possible to be sure if it was real or not) than I've had before and if this is because I'm no longer on lithium. This is the first big episode I've had since going off lithium which I took for 12 years and so it's the first big one I've had medicated but not with the lithium and it had the most psychotic features of any I've had so I am suspicious that lithium did some good stuff we had no idea about. But I can't go back on lithium so it doesn't matter that much if it did. 3 big toxicities is enough and I can't give up NSAIDs right now because I have an ankle recovering from major surgery and I still need those meds frequently. So there's that conversation coming regardless but it's good to know that this isn't an all the time problem I thought was normal.

[BlackSheep79]

I've never experienced any type of psychosis and I see this all the time.

[CopperStar]

Basically, the best way I can tell when I'm drifting into actual psychosis, is that the entire world looks very off, like it's not even real, like everything is a painting or some CG animation. It feels like dreaming while awake.

However if everything looks 'normal' and I happen to see shadow creatures or something, then I assume I am just tired or whatever.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't really question that there was (is? too complicated to explain) psychosis. I have had it before, this has been much worse. I know it can be far worse than what I"ve experienced and I'm sorry for those who go through that. I'm also hoping to proactively work with my dr to avoid that now that we know lithium prevented some of this presumably. I have not had a psychotic break and I think that is the big distinction. Again, it's something I'm very grateful for. But denying that there has been too much psychosis (ie any) lately until I started taking a 2nd AP and possibly continuing past that needs to be addressed with my pdoc. I am glad my hyperacuity is just that. I would be rather scared to find that this disease that I've lived with for so long is something that had symptoms that I didn't even know were symptoms; I like to think I know my illness fairly well despite it having many twists and turns with being in a pretty constant mixed episode of varying severity and with rapid cycling adding to that. These recent months I haven't known what was happening as it happened because it has changed and I need to be ready myself and have my pdoc and therapist ready for future episodes to be both like the old ones and like this one since we don't know. But being prepared for both is important so that things get treated as quickly as possible. This time the first thing we tried didn't work well. So now I have a 2nd AP in place and that will be easy to adjust up for a long time since I'm on a tiny amount compared to the max dose.

This is like when I went from having been suicidal but in control of it to having been dangerously suicidal. From then on I'm treated differently because my drs feel that I'm at a very high risk for being very lethal if I ever attempt so making sure an attempt doesn't happen is a big part of my treatment now. I hate it because I get self-conscious (being suicidal embarrasses me, partly for no good reason and partly because of the reaction of the nurse I chose to share that bit of knowledge with while IP but without anyone realizing what was going on b/c I wasn't telling until I was almost sent home in worse shape than I arrived in) but I also know they are right and that the careful monitoring is important.

I'll deal with this, all of it. It just scares me when the monster gets larger because I've had such trouble responding to meds to begin with. Having it worsen when I'm running out of meds that anyone would ever want to take is frightening. But that's why I have the pdoc and therapist I do; they'll help. Next week will be great fun I'm sure.

[CopperStar]

Well, Zyprexa totally makes me trip a little bit for the first couple of hours after I take it. It makes my head feel light and fluffy and things start to distort when I look at them, but I'm too mellowed out to care.

I don't know if a different AP would do that or not, if it's normal or what. I am adjusting to it still, only been a week and starting at 5mg. So it might be that. Idk.

But what I do know is that you're not alone. IME dealing with BP is like boxing. You get the gist of it and what's going on, but you have to roll with the punches. Especially when boxing suddenly turns into MMA out of nowhere. Or when your referee tuns out to suck at their job and you have to do without one for a while.

But from my ring to yours, you've got this.

[Row Jimmy]

I have things fly by the corner of my eyes ever since I've been taking Depakote. I usually think they're bugs, birds, shadows, or something that flies by like a headlight on a car. It startles but doesn't scare or bother me long term. I also hear my name being called occasionally when no one says anything. I'll say "what" and people will say "no one said anything". I just laugh, take it all in stride. I don't know the definition of psychosis but I don't feel psychotic even though I know I'm not "normal".

[jacky8807]

i had a clear "psychotic break" and then i have had more mild things but as far as i know seeing things out of the corner of the eyes is totally normal
a hallucination to me would be like when i saw the written initials (exactley like on the med sheets at work) of a coworker rising up from cars and buildings because i thought she was out to get me. Or people on tv talking to me ...or is that a delusion idk

[lunaticfringe]

This is an interesting topic. I get corner of the eye stuff daily but think nothing of it. When I start to get concerned is when I see walls and floors morphing and changing shape...but even then I'm sort of like "huh, would you look at that!" because I'm aware it's not really real...most of the time. Unless I'm super manic and thinking that what I'm seeing is a gateway to another dimension. LOL... I guess similar to what CopperStar said my hallucinations and delusions are USUALLY independent of each other...I guess when they start to become one is when I should be really concerned. But by then I'm way too far gone to seek out help.

When I used to be on a high dose of seroquel it caused me to hear voices with extreme fear/paranoia...so yeah sometimes we can have bad reactions to these drugs and they actually make our psychotic symptoms way worse.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Lunaticfringe-how much Seroquel were you on? I was on 1500 mg for a few months and someone mentioned that could cause the problems but nobody seemed to have proof either way. It continued after the dose was lowered so probably not related but interesting that you had that happen. One more thing I should ask my pdoc about.

[lunaticfringe]

I think I was on 600mg! 1500 is a lot!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Yep, it is. It's one of the only drugs that has ever helped me so my dosage has crept up over time. 1200 is my normal; I'm hoping that the 2nd AP that was added will let me back down to 900 or even 600 eventually when I get the 2nd one high enough. 1200 has never been a problem except that I gained weight (but never past a certain point; I seem to have a stop point with the weight gain although it is far too high, 90 lbs from where I started meds 13 years ago) but 1500 was unpleasant. I was sick and it was hard to pee and I just couldn't stand it. My pdoc says she occasionally uses up to 1800 mg and I cannot imagine tolerating that. 1500 was enough for me and I am so glad to be back at 1200 and will be even happier to be down to 900 if that happens. Treatment resistance makes for some interesting meds...