Trigger Warning: Freezing, crying, and hair pulling

I do not do well with anger or upset. And I get angry/upset when I'm invalidated or blamed or ignored or told not to speak before I even begin.

I go in my room, hull myself up away from everyone, think of how much life sucks, and stay completely in one position. I'm afraid if I move I will do something dumb like break something or harm myself. I start thinking of attempting suicide and it gets hard to tell myself not to do that.

When is stress or bored, I find that I twirl my hair and rip it out. I don't tend to do that much when really upset/angry because I don't move. I just feel empty.

I'm wasting my life. I sit and play video games all day. I have no friends locally. I have a family that consistently invalidates me. I have a brother who is purposely disrespectful. I have no therapist because they never call back and they're hard to find in the first place. I have no job. I am lonely and unproductive. Nobody knows how much pain I am in.

I'm scared. I just want to be something. I'm so tired of being walked all over and feeling like I have to bottle my emotions up because if I do not I will just get told they're wrong. It is so hopeless. I cannot keep living like this but I don't know how to get out. I'm stuck. I cannot move because I cannot afford to. And my mental health is the worst it has been for about 5 or 6 months. I'm scared.

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Do you have a pdoc? It sounds like you need to get in touch with them. And maybe then set a goal of contacting say 2 therapists a day until you connect with someone? It sounds like you really need someone to listen and be kind to you. Could you pdoc or family dr suggest a therapist?

I don't have one right now. And yeah that is exactly what I need.

I just broke down completely tonight and it seems like my Mom is finally going to help me find someone. I need to get in somewhere fast and she had an idea of where-hopefully without me having to go inpatient.

She said I should see my regular doctor too because I was on Prozac for a bit and didn't stay on it and she thinks I should ask him to get it back.

I'm glad your mom is helping you. I hope she or you can find someone quickly. I know it can be really hard; I drive an hour each way to the city I lived in in 2003 so that I haven't had to try to find someone else (and because I really like my therapist and don't want to change). And it gives me a day out every week which is good for me. But it's kind of extreme. I know around here I would have a very hard time finding anyone.