[loophole]

Yep. That's what my wife told me. Pretty cool (sarcasm... I'm full of sarcasm so read at your own discretion) I've been IP once I've been IOP once I've seen a therapist for a year and a half...

Sorry I may offend some people. I'm honestly not doing it on purpose here... just my own personal experience with therapists and my belief (maybe I'm ignorant) ok rant on!

All a therapist does is say the ****ing obvious. Am I dumber then a box of rocks? Do I not know wtf to do.. ?! The problem is doing the right thing. Not knowing wtf the right thing is. Duh.. Am I right or wrong here? Rant off.

Anyway my wife told our marriage counselor this not to long ago.. So I plan on getting a therapist... Sit there and be point blank honest.. "Im only here because my wife said she'd leave me I didn't. But this is just a waste of yours and my time"

Good Will Hunting anybody?

**** it.

Discuss

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I feel ya. Yea, I'm a man. I know nothing about relationships, feelings, etc., etc. My therapy feels
like I'm just shooting the bs because that's all I know how to do. But do it man. The world is a cruel and lonely place without family, dude. You don't want to lose them. You think your mind is off now. Wait until you have nobody but yourself, and realize you can't get along with yourself. Now I don't know why your wife put out the ultimatum, but if you still love her, I guess you'll have to go. If you tell the therapist what you stated you would, perhaps they can figure out what your wife is concerned over. Heck, maybe ya'll need to go together.

From the Red Green Show :
I am a man
I can change
If I have to
I guess

[CopperStar]

Maybe a therapist can provide you with a safe a place to discuss your marriage issues without worrying about what your wife will think or say. You don't have to just focus on BP issues, you don't have to focus on anything. I mean, if you're going to go, make it about whatever you want. It's a paid service and your free time being spent, so it could be an ironically good situation, if you think about it. Back in the day I went to a therapist to talk about my anxiety issues, because my anxiety issues were ruining the relationship. She helped me realize that my relationship was causing me anxiety because it was unhealthy, and then I broke it off. You never know.

[~Christina]

I think I would be angry when given an ultimatum like that.. that is a normal reaction.

As for seeing a Therapist.. You can try one out/interview and if you don't click then find a new one to interview.

My T is not one to say the obvious.. We work together to help me figure out ways that are going to help me manage day to day life and put lots of ugliness and abuse from my past to rest. My Therapy is very "goal orientated" We set goals and I work to meet and exceed the results I desire.

It's hard to want to do Therapy if your being forced... I'm sorry she is tossing threats around

[Chickenkicker]

The Bad: I reached out for help the first time in 1982 when I was 29 and had seen enough of my pattern of dysfunction. This creep therapist told me just to go outside and beat a baseball bat against a telephone pole for relief. Yeah. I don't know if that was the common thinking back then, or if he was just a dumbazz. Saw in the paper he was convicted and sent to prison for abusing two special needs clients in '08. Saw scores of therapists during the next 15yrs. They all missed my diagnosis until '97 and a lowly Marriage/Family Therapist said I had depression after all the Phd's and MD's failed.

So I continued to be misdiagnosed and mismedicated by psychs, and no therapist sounded the alarm either for the next 14yrs. As we know now giving an antidepressant alone to someone truly bipolar is a mistake. This by far was the most dysfunctional period of my life even though I was 'treated'. That antidepressant without a mood stabilizer shot me into orbit.

Finally I crashed in '11 and went IP. Only then did I get the correct diagnosis. All the divorces, $100's of thousands of inheritance dollars spent, opportunities missed, jobs quit, relationships ruined, substance abuse, terrible decisions and wasted time I'll never get back could have been treated 30 years before...but the psychs/therapists missed it.

The good part: after successful treatment 'medically', I had crippling guilt and regret over my actions 'mentally'. It was heavy, and terrible, and all encompassing. The woman that checked me into the ER the day I crashed was a therapist, so I started seeing her after release from IP. I'm forever grateful to her for teaching me how to shitecan all those negative thoughts that had me nailed to the floor. She taught me about 'realistic expectations' when you have this disorder. I could live again. I could move forward again. My money was safe in the bank for once, my substances gathering dust in the pantry...my wife happy at home.

Is everyone ganging up on you? Do you feel like you're the victim? You've got to own it: You've been IP...something's up, no two ways about it. This disorder doesn't lessen, and it doesn't go away. Yes, therapy can be like someone attempting to drag you with a rope through a mud pit. So stand up, start walking, start pulling and stop fighting the people trying to help you...get a death grip on that rope...start slogging out of there...be part of the solution instead of being the problem. If this wife bails because of your inaction...the next one will too...I can guarantee that because I carried my dysfunction through two wives, thinking everybody was wrong but me! Nothing changes...if nothing changes.

I'm telling you, man...there ain't no pain like feeling the terrible regret and guilt decades from now, when you stare back at the corpses of missed opportunities scattered alongside the road you've traveled. Its a fecking killer. Adjust your attitude to realize therapy is 'FOR' you. You ARE wasting time if you aren't onboard with the Big Picture of what all you, your family and your team is trying to accomplish here...but keep going until it makes sense to you. At the end of the day, therapy can plod on and on. But one day your therapist will say something....and its magic! It will change your life!

Lol I'm a little passionate about this as you can probably tell. I've had that ultimatum that was delivered to you...delivered to me. I'm proof there's a solution out there. Good Luck!

[loophole]

Chickenkicker beautifully written and I say thanks and I do agree with you some.... Really do... My marriage counselor has slammed his fist on the table at me because I made him so pissed off.. And yeah sometimes I can be a ****. I'm sure that's not just me. But what everyone basically says.. Is that I should be a door mat, and that, I refuse to be.

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[Chickenkicker]

If you are seeking help you aren't a 'door mat'. Thinking that is a purely defensive thought. You are honest enough to realize you have issues, and that's about 40% of dealing with them. Remember when you were taught to ride a bike? Remember that little 'push' you got when they let you go for the first time? The realization and owning of your issues is that 'push'. Now keep going. Its just as foreign a concept to pedal and balance the bike as it is to reach out for help and wrap your head around the fact that you haven't been able to do it right yourself...yet.

Try lowering your dukes long enough to learn some new behaviors, and treat your disorder. I mean, your stubbornness got you to this place, right? How's that working? I'll say it again: nothing changes...if nothing changes. If you keep the same behavior, you're gonna get the same results. It isn't like anybody is trying to force you into whacking off in a broken bottle. They're trying to help you change whatever behavior is keeping you from thriving in your life and relationships.

Change is hard as feck. Women stay with men that beat them because the fear of the unknown is worse than the abuse...they think. You very well might be in the same boat, that your present dysfunction is troublesome yet 'comfortable' and that changing that is terrifying. You are paddling upstream for no other reason than somebody told you to paddle DOWNstream.

Make yourself a deal. Say you're going to relax, try to learn and get something out of therapy for six months. You can always go back to being a dieck! Lol

[Edgar's Mom]

Therapy should not result in your being a doormat... On the contrary-- it should help you to find your own truth and empower you to live your life according to that truth.

Therapy shouldn't be about assigning blame. It should be about recognizing what things we can take responsibility for so that we have the power to change them.

It is about taking charge of your life.

In my opinion a good therapist doesn't say the obvious. They don't yell you what is wrong. They ask you the right questions so that you can discover and identify it for yourself. They help you find your truth but do not dictate it to you.

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[Crazy Hitch]

I don't know what to make of all of this really ... other than to say I think there's a hell of alot of frustration coming from both sides if your wife is going to be bold enough to throw out such a statement ... she's probably felt like she's reached the point where there is absolutely nothing left that she can do to help you and if you are going to receive help it needs to be from professionals ...

[loophole]

I'm not that bad of a freaking person... I wish you people could see my wife in action.. 0 compassion for me and she will admit that

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[Edgar's Mom]

I'm sure that no one here thinks you are a bad person.

I'm reading between your lines here but I'm wondering if you see that therapy for you might be a weapon for your wife to use against you? That somehow you going to therapy will validate all of the things she says/thinks? That it will be like admitting you are all wrong and she is all right?

If that's the case, with a good therapist, nothing could be further from the truth. They will help you figure out the things you can take responsibility for and change and help you build a plan to implement it.

Your wife might get more than she bargained for if she is hoping for your therapist to come forward and say that she is right and you are wrong and it is all your fault. More likely she will have some surprises as you learn what things to take responsibility for and which things you don't.

When that happens you can set boundaries and deal with the things that are in your power to change while simultaneously leaving her with her own stuff. The fact that she has no compassion for you troubles me.

I might be waaaaay off. I just wanted to throw that out there in case.

[loophole]

The problem is my wife always wants to "ship" me off when it's time to get help. She doesn't want any part of changing her ways or be a part of me getting better. Just out source me to some professional and ship me back "good as new" so she can continue life as she has it planned for herself

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[Edgar's Mom]

Marriage should be a partnership and she should be a crucial part of your team. I'm very sorry you don't have any support from her. It sounds like she needs the therapy more than you do.

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[~Christina]

Maybe you should talk to that T about the state of your marriage and whether its healthy for you to stay in it.....Or maybe you need to make a decision to end it.

just a thought, Seems like since we met on here she is always flinging threats about ending the marriage. Have you called her bluff ???

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Therapy takes time to really work because you have to build a bond with the therapist and until you do it can be a little stupid. I have a therapist I see when my own is away and is worried I won't be safe for 2 weeks. We don't know each other well so we always have the same conversation about my history and how strong I am (I do not believe this).

I've had a history of stopping therapy before getting a relationship with the therapist. When I started with this one I had a friend agree to help keep me accountable that I needed to see him 3 months before I could quit. 9 1/2 years later I can't imagine life without him. And it took about 6 weeks to feel like we were on the same page, not 12. But I was glad that I had decided to stick it out for a while because I would have stopped the moment he didn't get something that seemed obvious to me otherwise.

[loophole]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Maybe you should talk to that T about the state of your marriage and whether its healthy for you to stay in it.....Or maybe you need to make a decision to end it.

just a thought, Seems like since we met on here she is always flinging threats about ending the marriage. Have you called her bluff ???

We separated for 3 months back In late October... If we didn't have kids she already would of divorced me by now if I had to guess.

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[~Christina]

Yeah I remember that

I hope you and her can come to an understanding , having a threat always swinging above you head is no way to live.

[loophole]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Yeah I remember that


I hope you and her can come to an understanding , having a threat always swinging above you head is no way to live.

Thank you and yeah it sucks. What sucks even more though is that I'm pretty used to all of this at this point

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[Chickenkicker]

Yes. I've -had- that kind of wife! Eager to point fingers anywhere but at herself. She's probably trying to deflect most of the problems of the relationship off on you. Once I started therapy and medication around '97 my 2nd wife knew the days of her crazy ADHD behavior were numbered. She begrudgingly reached out for a psych at my insistence -once- and that was the end of that. I'll never forget her walking in the door that night saying 'that SOB diagnosed me attention deficit. Neither he nor anybody else is going to break my spirit'. She never took one more step toward dealing with her obvious problem.

How bad did she want to continue her behavior? 3yrs later after constant therapy and med experimentation, I was doing well...and she hated it. Instead of dealing with her shite, though it was easier to destroy the relationship. She took my autistic son, 4 month old daughter and hit the road.

I kept going through all that chaos, understanding I needed to find a better coping mechanism for my life whether I was with her, in another relationship, or alone. It took years...because you don't sort out 45 years of dysfunction in a few months...but I wound up in pretty good shape...a shape I hope you'll get to!

[loophole]

Originally Posted by Chickenkicker

Yes. I've -had- that kind of wife! Eager to point fingers anywhere but at herself. She's probably trying to deflect most of the problems of the relationship off on you. Once I started therapy and medication around '97 my 2nd wife knew the days of her crazy ADHD behavior were numbered. She begrudgingly reached out for a psych at my insistence -once- and that was the end of that. I'll never forget her walking in the door that night saying 'that SOB diagnosed me attention deficit. Neither he nor anybody else is going to break my spirit'. She never took one more step toward dealing with her obvious problem.

How bad did she want to continue her behavior? 3yrs later after constant therapy and med experimentation, I was doing well...and she hated it. Instead of dealing with her shite, though it was easier to destroy the relationship. She took my autistic son, 4 month old daughter and hit the road.

I kept going through all that chaos, understanding I needed to find a better coping mechanism for my life whether I was with her, in another relationship, or alone. It took years...because you don't sort out 45 years of dysfunction in a few months...but I wound up in pretty good shape...a shape I hope you'll get to!

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like your an older wiser version of myself or something

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[loophole]

The last therapist I seen I went to for 6 months every week. Every time he called me back to his office he'd say "hi Phil" which is NOT my name. I finally quit correcting him. Went that long and he couldn't even get my name right... I'm not a big believer in affirmations. I journaled for a while. Hated it. Completely useless for me. I'm a black and white type of personality. I still see it as pointless.. My wife hasn't brought the therapist up again but I'm sure she will the next time we see our marriage counselor

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[Edgar's Mom]

If you decide to continue with your own individual therapy you might want to consider finding a therapist who can at least remember your name. Wow. Once a week for 6 months?

It would be hard to feel some someone really cared and was present in your session if they couldn't bother to remember your name.

What about looking for another? It would be nice for you to have someone supportive in your corner but the trick is finding the right one.

Good luck :-)

[BrandonAK]

Originally Posted by loophole

The problem is my wife always wants to "ship" me off when it's time to get help. She doesn't want any part of changing her ways or be a part of me getting better. Just out source me to some professional and ship me back "good as new" so she can continue life as she has it planned for herself

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Yeah... My ex wife tried doing this. The problem was that I got manic and decided I could live without her.. Ugh, six months and counting.

At least you know what you have. My wife thought I was a sociopath.. You have to evaluate if it is worth being with someone who isn't going to support you through treatment (not while manic )

[Empossible1]

There should be way more of talking therapy offered to go along with all the medicine, in my opinion. It may offer a different perspective that helps you heal . A lot of us are carrying around unresolved pain we've collected in our lives and the stress builds as we age contributing to psychological and physical

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