[tamcat]

I have been married for 12 years, and have had an emotional affair with another woman for the past year. During this year I also had a melt down and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for three weeks. I love my wife (but it feels like I love her more as a friend, not really as a wife anymore). The other woman is putting huge pressure on me to proceed and finalise the divorce my wife and I have been discussing for some time now. Thing is... I am up and down about whether a divorce is what I want? One day I am certain, the next day not at all and I just want to fix my marriage. We have gone for counselling, and I see my psychiatrist and psychologist very regularly. I am also on meds. I feel that I have emotionally detached from my wife, and sometimes, my son. I just want to be happy, and to be honest, I know that, if I give up my marriage and go with the other woman, I'll be emotionally detached from her as well, after a while. My marriage is not abusive, and we don't fight. Should I stay and fight for it? And if so, how the hell do I do that, when one day I want my wife back, and the next day I couldn't be bothered??

[Victoria'smom]

Romantic love takes effort. A bubble bath here, a night out there, trying to be in the mood. We use this for ideas.

Are you intrested in anyone because it could be your meds? Days I feel I couldn't be bothered is the days I show my husband the most affection. More to remember I love him then accually for him.

[raspberrytorte]

Stick it out with your wife. You mentioned you have a son too?

I don't mean to be mean, but I don't have very much respect for women who are home wreckers, like the woman who is pushing for you to have a divorce. No respect at all.

[Edgar's Mom]

There are two separate issues here. The first is whether or not you want to be with your wife. The second is whether or not you want to be with the other woman.

You cannot possibly make a decision about whether or not you want to be with your wife with this other woman hanging around and actively trying to break up your relationship.

In all fairness to your wife I think you should get rid of the other woman and focus on your relationship with her for a period of time. Perhaps a year. During that time, really make an effort, explore the ups and downs in your relationship and possibly go to marriage counselling. Then, after all that, if you don't want to be with your wife.....leave. But don't do it because of another woman urging you to now.

If you do that you might be trading down. In fact, you probably would. On the one hand is a woman who has presumably stuck by you during your illness and has given you a son. I'm guessing she's made of some pretty great stuff.

On the other hand you have someone who is so selfish, that she wants what she wants regardless of who she hurts. She's willing to break your son's heart to get what she wants. She doesn't care at all for your son, your wife, your wife's feelings-- or even yours for that matter. Leaving your family could be the worst thing for you to do for your own good and your own mental health. But she doesn't care about that either. All she wants is --what SHE wants. Do you want to be with someone like that? Really? She certainly doesn't sound like someone I'd have much respect for...

Finally, why are you having an emotional affair? The answer to that question will help you get to the bottom of what you feel you are missing and hopefully you can take steps to fix it. Rarely do these flings actually end up meeting the needs they promise to do so with in the beginning. What I mean, is that this "other woman" is probably not your answer. She might be a short time thrill but I'm guessing she's not made for the long haul and her shine will tarnish quickly.

I saw one of those sayings on Facebook today and I'll write it here:

Buddhists say...

If you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, and your knees go weak, that's not the one.

When you meet your "soul mate" you'll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.

[tamcat]

Thanks guys. Sorry. Just to give you more back ground. My wife is a recovering alcoholic. It took years of seeing her get pass out drunk before she finally admitted that she is, after my break down and realising that I'm most likely leaving. And she realised that there's someone else. Each time seeing her that drunk has broken the respect I have for her. We're in a same gender marriage, and I'm our son's biological mother.

The other woman is someone with whom I had something with 16 years ago, but I was scared of commitment, and I left before anything could develop.

[Victoria'smom]

That is different. If you have lost respect for her there's no fixing that. I don't believe you should jump into another relationship though.

So has she gotten sober or is she still off and on the wagon?

[tamcat]

Originally Posted by jupiter3

So has she gotten sober or is she still off and on the wagon?

Jupiter, she's been sober for eleven months now. However, she went on holiday on her own a few weeks ago, visited her alcoholic (but now apparently clean) brother, and had a few beers. I am not too phased, as she is a grown woman who can make her own choices, and because it was not in our son's presence.

[Edgar's Mom]

Are you depressed when you feel like you can't be bothered? For me depression can feel a little like that. I'm just wondering if it's when you are depressed that you feel detached from your wife.



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[tamcat]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

Are you depressed when you feel like you can't be bothered? For me depression can feel a little like that. I'm just wondering if it's when you are depressed that you feel detached from your wife.



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I'm depressed because I feel no attachment to my wife, and there is absolutely no spark left. We have become best friends, raising a child and sharing bills.

[Edgar's Mom]

You have some tough decisions to make ... I feel for you. One thing I want to say is that if you aren't ready to make a decision, you don't have to right away. You can give yourself time to think and talk it over with your therapist. You shouldn't have to rush a decision like this.

Give yourself the time you need to think. I would suggest telling your gf that you need some space if you need it... It's a huge decision that impacts lives.

Good luck... I don't envy you a bit :-/

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[tamcat]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

You have some tough decisions to make ... I feel for you. One thing I want to say is that if you aren't ready to make a decision, you don't have to right away. You can give yourself time to think and talk it over with your therapist. You shouldn't have to rush a decision like this.

Give yourself the time you need to think. I would suggest telling your gf that you need some space if you need it... It's a huge decision that impacts lives.

Good luck... I don't envy you a bit :-/

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Thanks. I have been discussing this extensively with both my psychologist and psychiatrist, and they both have advised that we get the divorce behind us, so that we can both carry on with our lives, and I can get better, as they share the opinion that external factors are part of the reason why I don't fully stabilize.

[Edgar's Mom]

Then that's what you need to do. You have to look after yourself and if your relationship is keeping you ill, then you need to end it for your own good.

((((((((Hug))))))))))



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[neverending]

I was married for almost 33 years. He emotionally abused me and we fought a lot. I was in a PHP program plus saw pdoc and psychologist, all of whom were advising divorce. Finally he lost all of my money and our house. Before that for 10 years we were more like just friends living together not husband and wife.

The financial ruin precipitated the divorce. A couple months later I had a very bad accident after which I died. 2 weeks in icu on life support I have no memory of and 6 weeks in a rehab hospital. I am sure all the anxiety I was under caused the accident.

My daughter moved me to Florida and I am doing much better as compared to before. That part of my anxiety is gone. I do still get anxiety with the bipolar and take ativan but it's not as bad. The divorce was good for me.

[Melan.cholia]

I bet that if you can rekindle your spark, your wife and son are totally worth it.

[tamcat]

Originally Posted by Melan.cholia

I bet that if you can rekindle your spark, your wife and son are totally worth it.

It's not a matter of a spark. There is no emotional connection left there.

[Sesiley]

You have never lived with this other lady...from experience, I got emotionally involved to another and moved in. It wasn't what it seemed...you are right....it does go away that's why it's called the honeymoon phase. What you have in common is what lasts in the end. You probably have more loving and many memories with your wife and the relationship isn't unhealthy.

You have to cut ties to one...but your sons mom will always be there...so no matter what you may find yourself having feelings for your ex wife forver....

My opinion, don't give up what yo u built up all of those years with your wife. Cut the girl off, so your heart can be fully involved with your wife...that's why you are staying confused...I did this too and ended up having a huge break down and hospitalized! It's not worth it...then before ya know you will get her pregnant and you will be stuck with both and feelings for both....

My experience

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[Sesiley]

Try a seperation before fully making a decision ok?

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[Edgar's Mom]

Tamcat, did you not mean that your psychiatrist and therapist both want you out of this relationship?

There really are two separate issues here. As I said, the first is what to do with your wife, and the second is what to do with your girlfriend.

The trouble is having both of those decisions being mixed up with one another is confusing.

What would be important to know is if you would leave your wife if this other woman hadn't come along. If you decided not to pursue a relationship with this other woman and told her to go away, would you still leave your wife anyway and be single, rather than stay in the relationship?

The part that feels icky is the other woman waiting in the wings. She's pressuring you and probably adding to the confusion.

You said you have no emotional connection to your wife but you also said she is like your best friend. That is an emotional connection, albeit a much quieter and less intoxicating one...

It's not surprising that you feel numb to your wife with this affair going on. Those intoxicating feelings can take over, leaving you unable to feel any connection to your wife, especially since she is "old hat" and probably not exciting to you.

The only way you can really know for sure is to end the relationship with the other woman and give yourself the time and space to figure out how you feel. If you still want to leave your wife when there is no possibility of a relationship with that woman then you will know you are making this decision for the right reasons.

Otherwise why hadn't you already left your wife before this other woman came along? And why is it only now since she's come along that you're wanting to do this?

You can't do that (make the decision) with the other woman crowding you and pressuring you.

I still say she is a very selfish person. The right thing for her to have done would have been to step back when she realized your friendship was crossing the line, knowing that her behaviour was going to harm an established relationship with a child. A family unit.

The right thing for her to do now is to step away and allow you the freedom to process and make this very big decision because it's right for you... Not her. If she truly and unselfishly cares about you, she will want you to do what's right for you. But it sounds like she wants what's right for her. If she is the type of person who has no problem destroying a family, she is probably out to serve herself and I personally wouldn't respect someone like that enough to have a relationship with her. What makes you think your relationship with her would be sacred?

It may be that you need to end things with your wife. But running from one relationship straight into another is rarely the answer. You need time to process and heal. Even if you are the one ending the relationship, there will still be a great deal of grief, especially since you have history together.

So two issues. Do you want to be with your wife? Only you can make that decision and know what's right for you. What we say doesn't matter. We are not in your shoes, nor will we live with the decision you make. You will.

The second is whether or not you should go with this other woman?

My opinion is that it's shabby to use one relationship to get out of another. If you are ending the relationship with your wife she will be hurt enough. Bringing another woman into the mix just adds insult to injury. I'm guessing she deserves a little bit better than that. And I believe so do you.


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[Quodnomen]

Not to sound too much like Dan Savage, have you spoken to your wife about opening your relationship? Obviously, she might not be thrilled or willing to do this, but if you do indeed have a strong friendship with her and are comfortable with co-parenting and co-habitating, it seems like being honest about your desires might be an important step to resolving the situation. She, too, would then be permitted to pursue other "sparky" options.

Of course, if you don't respect her, that's another problem, as others have said.

[Melan.cholia]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

Tamcat, did you not mean that your psychiatrist and therapist both want you out of this relationship?

There really are two separate issues here. As I said, the first is what to do with your wife, and the second is what to do with your girlfriend.

The trouble is having both of those decisions being mixed up with one another is confusing.

What would be important to know is if you would leave your wife if this other woman hadn't come along. If you decided not to pursue a relationship with this other woman and told her to go away, would you still leave your wife anyway and be single, rather than stay in the relationship?

The part that feels icky is the other woman waiting in the wings. She's pressuring you and probably adding to the confusion.

You said you have no emotional connection to your wife but you also said she is like your best friend. That is an emotional connection, albeit a much quieter and less intoxicating one...

It's not surprising that you feel numb to your wife with this affair going on. Those intoxicating feelings can take over, leaving you unable to feel any connection to your wife, especially since she is "old hat" and probably not exciting to you.

The only way you can really know for sure is to end the relationship with the other woman and give yourself the time and space to figure out how you feel. If you still want to leave your wife when there is no possibility of a relationship with that woman then you will know you are making this decision for the right reasons.

Otherwise why hadn't you already left your wife before this other woman came along? And why is it only now since she's come along that you're wanting to do this?

You can't do that (make the decision) with the other woman crowding you and pressuring you.

I still say she is a very selfish person. The right thing for her to have done would have been to step back when she realized your friendship was crossing the line, knowing that her behaviour was going to harm an established relationship with a child. A family unit.

The right thing for her to do now is to step away and allow you the freedom to process and make this very big decision because it's right for you... Not her. If she truly and unselfishly cares about you, she will want you to do what's right for you. But it sounds like she wants what's right for her. If she is the type of person who has no problem destroying a family, she is probably out to serve herself and I personally wouldn't respect someone like that enough to have a relationship with her. What makes you think your relationship with her would be sacred?

It may be that you need to end things with your wife. But running from one relationship straight into another is rarely the answer. You need time to process and heal. Even if you are the one ending the relationship, there will still be a great deal of grief, especially since you have history together.

So two issues. Do you want to be with your wife? Only you can make that decision and know what's right for you. What we say doesn't matter. We are not in your shoes, nor will we live with the decision you make. You will.

The second is whether or not you should go with this other woman?

My opinion is that it's shabby to use one relationship to get out of another. If you are ending the relationship with your wife she will be hurt enough. Bringing another woman into the mix just adds insult to injury. I'm guessing she deserves a little bit better than that. And I believe so do you.


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I second all of this. Actually, I've been in your wife's shoes... I can firmly tell you that your issue isn't to do with bipolar disorder. It's to do with you.

...but this response here above is brilliant. Hits all of the nails on the head, from my experience. My partner and I were able to work things out, and although I still fantasize about absolutely destroying the girl who distracted him from our relationship (*while* I was pregnant with his child)... I've forgiven him. We're both happy together now. We had always loved each other. Things just got really weird for a while. Nothing we weren't able to recover from.

Not to sound harsh, but you need to decide what's important to you: Your family or your girlfriend. You can probably already tell that from an objective perspective (most of the responses that your thread is getting), it's a no-brainer that you should try to work things out with your wife. She agreed to marry you, she had your son... dump your girlfriend, dude.

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