[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've had a dose increase to the highest Seroquel I can tolerate so my meds are maxed out again. I may feel a very tiny bit better but I also find that my suicidal thoughts are much more specific than before which is worrisome. We sort of expected that to happen because I have a history of feeling very numb when really depressed and then the suicidal stuff increases when I get a little energy back. But I'm controlling it and if I just keep improving I might make it without going back in.

I'm going to let my therapist decide. I'll go to my appointment Tuesday with a packed bag and will return that way on Thursday if necessary. He is not going to like the thoughts I've been having at all. But I'm controlling them which is something and I'm just 2 weeks from seeing my pdoc. I need to see if I can move that up a bit as well as an alternative. I think that he would call my pdoc before sending me in and I really want to know what she thinks is the next best move because the hospital dr. would be choosing an AP for me and we're down to the bottom of the barrel in many ways. The hospital pdoc will call her before doing anything big as long as I'm on my usual unit but if I'm not I can't be sure that will happen.

I'm trying to make the decision out of my hands. I can't make it. I'm just not capable right now. But I do not want to stay out so long I become a true danger to myself. I've already done that once and it was awful.

I just dread the whole thing. The psych er wasn't my favorite place and while most people go up within 6 hours I don't want to find out I'm there for 30 again. I was by the nurses' station and I heard too much of nurses ignoring their jobs and making fun of a patient who was hallucinating and saying the same 2 paragraphs over and over which was so sad b/c it was about losing her kids to the foster system.

But I know being home and even verging on unsafe isn't good. I just wish tomorrow weren't a holiday and I was seeing my therapist on schedule. The extra day feels eternal even though I saw him Thursday.

I'm scared. Better to go back than to wait and suffer longer. 9 months into this episode I"m sure of that. But my treatment feels so vulnerable right now. In a way I want to say I give up, stop the Seroquel so we can start clozaril since I'm headed that way and anyway and with medicare days it's better to do that while I'm in my "no co-pay repeat" zone. But the idea of that is so scary. I'd be in there a while and clozaril is so final. My pdoc said 1-2 more tries before it but I'm wondering why bother at this point. Which is why I really want to try to see her sooner.

I just don't know....

[cakeladie]

Can you call your doctor now? Can someone come stay with you?

Please stay safe

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I am safe. My mom is right across the driveway if I need her and I have no intention to hurt myself, just thoughts that I shouldn't be having about how I might do that. Been there, done that, I'll be fine. I just have to get through tomorrow and my therapist will treat me with exactly the right amount of caution that is warranted right now.

I didn't mean to sound all dramatic. No emergency, just things aren't right and I don't know how to fix them.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm so sorry you're still having all these thoughts. Putting it in the hands of your therapist is probably best. That's what I always do...I very rarely go to the er of my own volition. But I always wait until it gets so bad that I'm an immediate danger to myself too. Maybe too long. So I'm glad you're seeing you're therapist on Tuesday. Hopefully it all works out. I hope you can get the med thing sorted out. It really seems like seroquel isn't working for you. I know clozaril is super scary. I hope you can find a compromise or at least some peace with the med change if they do one.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've waited too long also which is why I'm letting him decide. I just really feel strongly that if I could see my pdoc sooner I could do this OP and I'd really prefer she chooses the med because she knows me so well. But I have never asked to move an appointment up and have no idea if it is possible. She only sees patients part time and does other work the rest of the time and to add to this next week is a Jewish holiday and she'll be off work for at least part of the week. Which means my chances are not great unless she is able to squeeze me in somewhere this week which I'm sure is extra busy because of next week. I just don't know. And maybe I can make it 2 weeks with my therapist's support. I don't feel quite as awful as a week ago with the last change in dose.

The Seroquel is tricky because it is working, lowering the dose was horrible, but it is only working at really high doses and I can't tolerate a dose higher than this one. I need a 2nd med but because I need patient assistance for the newer ones and therefore need to start with samples which my dr isn't allowed to have unless specifically requested for a specific patient (and last time she requested nobody came through with them) and so that leaves the older drugs which are risky for me with the same stuff I just went through.

It's a big old mess and I have no idea how to solve it.

Also I haven't done my counseling homework and that's not good. Hopefully he won't ask....

[wiretwister]

(((((((((hugs)))))))) ...

[Capriciousness]

Hey BTR, I'm so sorry this is happening with you. I hope you find a good solution with your Pdoc. You sound like you are being really aware about everything. Hugs